Something Borrowed, Something Used

Seb called me today, he wanted to know how I was ‘holding up’.
That made me smile, I wasn’t aware I was breaking down. Leave it to Seb huh? I was fine, am, fine.

At least till I get into work, it was 5 pm so the place was a little jammed. It was open play night, it’s like open mike night for poetry slams, except those are pretty lame. The people who mope over ‘lost love’ are better off moping alone. Trust me, you get pathetic after a while.

Brendon was busy at the counter so I stepped in to help him. He looked a little startled to see me, I didn’t know why, till he couldn’t meet my eyes and couldn’t stop brendoning .
After the open play started, things calmed down. Bren headed for a smoke break, I grabbed his hand as he started out the back door

“What is it?” I asked, I guess it came out wrong because he just gave me a look, and then slipped out the door pulling me with him.

I waited for him to talk as he shook his cigarette box. Marlboros weren’t any good. It was always Camels or Cloves; he was a snob about his cigarettes, it was kind of cute. He cleared his throat a little and asked why I hadn’t told him that’s I’d seen you. It wasn’t demanding, he just wanted to know. I shrugged

“What’s to tell?” I asked “and how’d you know?”

Brendon was trying to light up but he couldn’t seem to, his hands were shaking some. I rested my hand on his back and took the lighter from him, clicked a flame and offered it. he had some anxiety stuff going on, along with some slight OCD now and then…

”I went over to Brian’s and he was there” he told me

“Yeah?” I hated being eager to hear about you, Brendon knew it too, he sighed,

“I went over last night, Brian wanted to hang out,” he paused to exhale a cloud of smoke “when we were watching a movie he came in the door, Brian got up and kissed him, like it was normal, so I figured since he’s back that you’d seen him,” he paused.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” He asked me.

Because it wasn’t important.
Because I couldn’t care less.
Because I couldn’t face it, face you being back.
Because, just because.

“I don’t know,” I answered “he was walking down 5th it wasn’t a big deal.”

”Liar,” Bren smiled “bet you were struck shitless.”

He didn’t make me say anything.

“Hey,” He reasoned “he’s only been gone for a fucking year, then shows up fine as ever, no better, kissing Brian and kicking back asking me ‘What’s New’ like it’s only been a few weeks. Little Prick.”

Bren took a drag, a long one, then we were quiet a moment, then he said

“No, he looked good, really, no wonder you’ve been thrown this week.”

Have not” I elbowed him

“Oh you have.” He put out his cigarette and we both looked at the sky for a few minutes, silently. Brendon knew, he knew how bad I’d hurt, he knew you were an addicting flame, he understood why. He was almost like a little girl who watches her older sister get ready for a date, putting her lipstick on, knowing she was irresistible, but the little girl knew that she was going out to smile and fool around and break another heart.

There’s a sort of admiration there that keeps away the hate you might feel.
How do you do that to people?
You treat them like shit and they worship you.
They only end up hating themselves but you could care less.
Just like I lie to myself…
…saying I could care less about you.