I Got Your Picture I'm Coming With You

LEXIE'S POV

I sat in the car, closed the door, lay down on the backseat, got out a blanket and cried. I just cried. I couldn't stop. My heart was torn in two. I wanted him to be hurt, I wanted him to be clutching at straws, like I was. And then I hated myself for wanting him to go through that. How could he sit there? How could he be so calm after he'd done that? How could he not have torn himself up three years ago? How could he be happy?

I know Alex said he did get torn up...but I just don't understand how he can still be so calm! I know, I'm being too sensitive. It was three years ago. It had nothing to do with me. So why did it hurt so fucking much?

I just let myself cry and scream until I had no tears left and my throat was hoarse. After about an hour and a half of that, I curled up on my side clutching at my hair and gritting my teeth. It hurt so much. How could something cause so much physical pain? It felt like he had ripped out my heart and crushed it into smithereens. Then again, who cares? Who would give a damn about me? No one had before...well before Jack that is. And I wasn't being honest with him, just like he hadn't been honest with me. But our circumstances were different. He would never understand.

I heard a tapping at the window, and looked up to see a concerned Rian. When he saw I had been crying, he opened the door and sat in the car with me. I shuffled so he could sit down. I never looked at him.

"I already know the answer, but are you okay?" 

One simple question. One simple question and I broke down. Again.

Rian, without saying a word pulled me to him and just sat with me. Holding me. After a while my raw sobs turned into sniffles. 

"Why are you here?" I eventually cracked out.

"Well Jack was getting worried about you and they were gonna play Remembering Sunday, but you weren't there so twinkle toes tambourine was sent to fetch you as I'm not essential to acoustic sets."

I managed a little laugh. "You're the heartbeat of every song though. You're the drummer. And you do back up vocals."

He shrugged. "Someone had to come find out number one fan." I smiled at that. It didn't feel like I was a fan anymore, not at all, more like I was part of something. Of course, I still had my moments, but I loved them a people I knew now, not just admired and respected or loved as a band that saved my life. "So?"

"So what?" I asked.

"Are you okay?"

I shrugged. "I'm...better. For now."

Rian furrowed his brow. "What do you mean? For now?"

"I mean I'm going through shit right now that none of you know about, not even Jack. And I really don't want to tell you guys. Because then I have to properly face up to it, and I'm still in denial. Last year I was so close, but you guys, your music, it saved my life. But now something's happened to bring that all back up again, and I don't know if I can make it through this time, even with you guys."

"And you're not going to tell us why you needed saving?"

I shook my head. "Sorry. I just can't."

"Even though we could help?"

Smiling weakly at the floor I whispered "No one can help me."

Rian rubbed my back a little then headed out the car to go back to the set and leave me with my thoughts. I guess he knew I needed to be alone a little while longer. It would be finished soon. And then I would leave. It would all be over soon.

I took out my little diary from it's hiding place in the car. I opened the first page and was confronted with the one thing I hated to see. "I miss you," I wrote on the next free page and dated it. Then I stepped out the car to listen to the end of their set. Tonight would be eventful.