I Got Your Picture I'm Coming With You

JACK'S POV

(The letter)

Dear Javk

When I am 18 in 17 years, let's be friends.

No sorry, still a fangirl over here. And honestly I will never be able to watch that again without crying. And yes, it's my fault, I realise that. But it couldn't be helped. I need to explain myself. 

Right now, you're asleep. You and the rest of the guys. And I know where Vienna is, I did a little research but of course you'll be with her now because I won't leave until you've found her and your daughter, and you can be happy. You can be a family.

And that's my problem.

I love you so much Jack, I really do. You're everything to me. I'll still listen to your music, unfortunately I have a feeling it will be the only thing that gets me through. Maybe I'll learn to play some of your songs. Who knows? But it's not your job to care anymore. You're not supposed to care about me. You need to care about Millie now. And Vienna. 

Take care of them both. I know you will, but I feel like I have to remind you. I know you're sorry about what you did to her. I know you love them. Make sure to show it every single day, because you almost never got that chance. You really are beautiful in your sleep. I love watching you sleep. But I can't stand to watch you as I write this anymore, so I'm gonna go outside somewhere.

It's pretty nice out here actually. It's cold, but the sky is really clear. It's beautiful. I wish our relationship was clear. But it's not, is it? I wish to god it was, but it never will be. Yet it doesn't even matter anymore because you have Vienna now. And I hope you'll be happy with her...well I know you are because I wouldn't leave unless I knew you were happy. So you wouldn't be reading this unless I knew you were happy. That gives me some piece of mind, some calmness it what I was doing. Some consolidation. I just can't stop hurting. I can't stop thinking about us.

And the worst part is that you don't even know you ruined it. No, that's not fair. It's my fault too. You weren't honest with me, just like I was never honest with you. I should have been. So I'm sorry.

Don't you think that was the fundamental flaw, that we couldn't trust each other?

You couldn't trust me to tell me that you asked Vienna...no, tried to force her, in your own words, to have an abortion. You accidentally rang me when we were in Illinois and you were talking to Vienna's parents. I heard the whole conversation. I know you're sorry. I know you feel bad. But you shouldn't have tried to get her to do it anyway. Yes, you were desperate. That doesn't mean anything. You know how many people dream that they could have children, but they can't? And you asked her to abort one. Did you even take her views into account? No. I bet you didn't. 

So I should explain how I was so hurt by this. Guess what? My mom tried to make me have an abortion. So did the guy I was with at the time. I dropped the guy, but I couldn't drop my mom. I put up with her anger. He became calmer and stopped trying to get me to abort in the end. But I don't think she ever accepted it, not really. I went through the pregnancy, all fine and normal. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. I called her Jasey. I've always said I'd call my daughter that since I listened to your bans. I was so happy. I held her warm body in my arms and I've never seen anything as beautiful.

12 hours later, she had a problem with her heart. I was a mother for 12 hours, 36 minutes and 8 seconds.

There's a six word story written by Ernest Hemmingway. "For sale: baby shoes, never used." A critic said those were the six most sad words he had ever read. It is said to be his best work. I read it by chance, and thought of Jasey. I still have her baby shoes. Never used.

Do you understand? Do you understand why I found it so hard to love you as though nothing was wrong? Can you see how hearing you say you tried to get Vienna to have an abortion could be hurtful to me? Could be painful when I'd had motherhood taken away from me...I had no choice.

I don't get my child back. You do. So please, don't screw up. Look after them, look after yourself. I wish you every happiness in the world.

I really do hope you stay happy, then maybe I have a chance at trying to be happy too, though without you I doubt I could. It's okay though. It's okay, I understand. I love you. 

I was sixteen. Today would have been Jasey's second birthday. That's why I had to leave today. Cherish every moment of fatherhood. Being a parent...I'll never have another shot at it. At least not with Jasey. She's gone now. So you tell Millie you love her everyday, give her a hug, a kiss, watch her sleep, be there for her even when she tries to push you away, make memories. I wish to god I could. Do it for me.

I love you Jack. But I can't be with you again, not now you have Vienna. I can't see you again. I'm so sorry I didn't say goodby properly. I'll have given you a hug and whispered it, but I don't want you to hear me because I don't want you looking for me.

This isn't your fault okay? It's mine really for not telling you everything. But you never told me everything either. It's Vienna all over again, you hurt me first. You pushed me away first. I really hope I didn't break your heart, because I promised Alex I wouldn't, but Vienna can heal it for you.

You were the best part of my life. My last regret. Don't let this memory fade away.

I think those lyrics are needed here. They say everything I can't. Please, don't forget me Jack. Move on, fine. But don't forget that there was a fan called Alex, dubbed Lexie, that once, for a short time, you were in love with. To quote Taylor Swift, "If you have children someday, and pass the pictures around, please tell them my name, tell them how the crowds went wild. Tell them how I hope they shine." 

Tell Millie there was a girl called Lexie who found you for her, and then she left.

That's it. Oh god, I can't believe I'm doing this. Oh god, it hurts so much. I'm so scared. Jack...I love you.

Goodbye.

Forever yours, Lexie

(end of letter)

I stared at it for a moment after reading.

Did she really think I wanted Vienna? That just wouldn't happen. She was like a sister to me if anything. Not a lover.

I knew what I had to do though. I had to find her. And I would. No matter how long it took. I'd found Millie, how hard could finding Lexie be?

I forced the tears back, making myself keep it together. How could I not know? I had hurt her so bad. Why wasn't I just honest with her? Than maybe she would have been honest with me.

I looked out at the ocean as the sun set in LA. "Oh Lexie, why didn't you tell me?"