I Got Your Picture I'm Coming With You

LEXIE'S POV

They asked me to spend a few months in America just writing and recording for an EP, then we would do Reading and Leeds. I'd told them I still wanted to do some covers, and they were cool with that. They let me cover whatever artists were signed by Hopeless, which was pretty cool too. I'd asked if I could record Actors by you know who...I didn't want to say their name to much. Dan had been told to check with the band, but I'd told them not to say it was me who wanted to sing it.

I was just chilling in the studio, listening to myself back and writing some more stuff, figuring out the right chords, when a very nervous Dan interrupted the conversation I was having with one of the producers.

"Erm...Alex, there's someone here who wants to speak to you."

Oh god, no, not him. Not him please. "Don't you fucking dare tell me it's him. I told you not to let any of them know, you promised me."

Dan laughed a little. "Errm...no...well it's not HIM...it's a different...him. They...well they just wanted to talk so...erm..." He really didn't know what to say. He looked at the producer and motioned him to leave with him. Dan looked back at me as he exited the door. "We'll leave you to discuss the track..."

And as he left, lo and behold, Alex fucking Gaskarth walked in, cool as a cucumber.

"Hey, I'm Alex, and you're the one who keeps requesting to record our songs," he said smiling. So, he didn't remember? Well why would he? It's been over a year now. And I did look kinda different. My hair was shorter, I guess. And the lack of All Time Low merch...well when I knew them I would always wear All Time Low merch no matter what, I was a huge fan girl. i guess now...I just more so appreciated the musical genius of it all. I ignored who it was, focusing on what it was. It helped me forget a little about Jack.

I returned the smile, but it was smaller. "Yeah, uh, I guess I'm mainly a cover artist, but I write my own stuff too. I just think if people are gonna listen to me, they'll wanna hear songs they know."

"But aren't you like one of the top hits on YouTube?" My eyes popped.

"I am?"

Alex laughed. "Yeah, they didn't tell you? God dammit what is up with them? That's the only reason we let you cover so many songs, Hopeless keeps telling us the kids love you on YouTube, and they love it when you do our songs. I guess at the same time it's a little self promotion for us."

"Right...well...erm, can I record it? Actors I mean? I know you guys didn't officially release it but..."

"Well that song...it's kinda personal to the band. So I need to hear and watch you play it, to see if you can get the right emotion across. If you can't...well I don't think we can let you."

I nodded and smiled. "Yeah, I understand. That's fine. You wanna hear it now?" He nodded so we sat down on the couch, I got my guitar seated on my lap and started to play.

I could feel every emotion I had ever felt since leaving Jack with that song. Every heartbreaking moment. I had had to hide myself away, be someone different. I was afraid to break down. But I knew I would have to sooner or later. And at the same time that Jack had caused all these awful moments, moments that caused me so much physical pain in my heart, he was the only person that could save me from myself. I was hurting, breaking. I knew it, but I was scared to be so weak, because then I had to admit my feelings for him. I couldn't do that. Loving him just hurt so much, but god I needed him. I couldn't pretend to be okay anymore. It was just to much, a lie I would never believe, not fully. Everyone saw through it, even my aunt had started to see through it. She just didn't say anything. But thing was, now I knew it was my fault, and I was finding it so hard to accept that.

I felt all of that as I sang and played. And I didn't hold it in. For the first time since I had cried in my mothers arms that one day, I let myself go and I let the walls fall down.

When I had finished I had to take a moment and try not to let a tear escape. I gulped it back and opened my eyes. Alex was staring at me with a funny kind of look on his face, which was making me a little bit nervous.

"So...was it okay?" I asked, holding onto my guitar for dear life.

Alex continued to stare a moment before answering. "How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"That...all that...emotion. I saw it. I heard it. I never thought anyone could get all that across, I didn't think anyone would be able to sing it as it was meant to be sang. No one that I've heard cover it has been that good."

Oh. Well Alex, I had plenty of reason to be able to sing it like that. I just shrugged my shoulders. "I've been through shit."

He looked at me sympathetically for a moment. "Yeah, I can see that. You know, you're voice sounds kind of familiar."

Oh shit. "Really? Well I guess I sound a lot like other artists. They told me I was original...I guess not."

Alex shook his head. "No, she wasn't even famous. She'd never sang for a crowd before. But you sound just like her. She was a fan. But you sound much better, she never really got all the emotion of a song across."

Wow. So now I could? Great, nice to know getting screwed and screwing up in turn would do wonders for a musical profession I hadn't really wanted in the first place. If I was honest, I was only going through with all this because last week I'd had a letter that said a couple of my songs that had been put up on YouTube had saved this girl from doing something she would regret. I was doing this for her. And people like her. People who needed music to heal them, just like All Time Low had healed me. "Well maybe she hadn't had the right experience yet." Let's face it, after Jasey had died, I had never really accepted it. I just thought I could bottle it up. It took going through that shit with Jack to push it all out and force me to acknowledge what had happened.

"Maybe...but she was...well I don't know...she was happy. She didn't have anything to worry about. Until she left that is." He had a thoughtful look on his face. Like he was trying to figure out why I had left.

"Maybe she lied. Maybe she wasn't happy," I said quietly. Trying not to give myself away, although if he asked my name, that would be it.

"No, she was. She had to be, he made her happy. They made each other happy. He hasn't been the same since she left."

"He?" I asked, pretending not to know...but I had to be sure. Was Jack really not happy without me? Because I wouldn't have left if I knew he would be unhappy.

"You know, Jack. Our lead guitarist. I thought you would have known. You cover so many of our songs I assumed you were a fan. And all our fans know, even the ones who only like a few songs. Jack had a thing with a fan, he loved her. I guess he thought she loved him too. We all did. I guess she was a good actress."

Oh god. I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again. Okay Lexie, just tell him. "I failed at acting. Epically. I thought I was good at pretending I was okay, like I wasn't about to break down, but when I heard Actors I knew I wasn't fooling anyone. The cracks were starting to appear and I realized I had to admit that even though Jack was the one who crushed me, he's the only thing that can make it right again."

I looked through my eyelashes at Alex, who had his head cocked to one side.

"I thought it was, you know. I thought it was you. I YouTubed you, I requested to see you today just to see. To be sure. And if it was you, to see if you still needed Jack as much as he needs you. I guess I just got my answer," he finished with a small smile at me.

I but my lip. "He can't know," I barely choked out.

"Why not?"

"Because he's better off without me."

"No, he's not, he's really not."

I breathed in deeply. "He has Vienna now. Vienna and Millie. They're what's important to him now. I won't take that away from him."

"Lexie, please, he's not happy. Vienna doesn't matter to him. She's a friend, I mean, for god's sake she-"

"Alex please! Just leave it! I can't...I can't do it. I can't be reminded everyday..."

"But you just said-"

"I know what I just said but just because he's the only one who can fix me doesn't mean I can be happy. Not really. It won't help me forget."

"Forget what?"

I locked eyes with him, tears shining now. I didn't have it in me to hold them back. "Forget the one thing that tore my life apart. And it wasn't Jack. Jack just reminds me too much of that event."

I think Alex gave up after another half hour of trying to convince me.

"Will you at least come see us some time? Like when we're over here?"

I shook my head. "No. I can't see him Alex, it would hurt too much."

"Well the rest of us then. Hell, just me! Just so we can still be friends. You were a good one, still are. And we miss you."

I stared into his brown eyes. "Fine, but not Jack. Anyone but Jack."

Alex smiled and hugged me before I left. "Oh and Alex?" He turned around. "Please don't tell him," I whispered.

For a minute I thought Alex would argue, but he didn't. He just nodded. Still frowning though. "You're a good kid, Lexie. And you have talent too. Of course you can do that song. How could I say no to you?" My smile became huge when I heard that. "I just think you oughta know something..."

Alex got some kind of look on his face before he started again, like he felt that maybe he shouldn't be telling me this.

"I didn't write that song. Jack did. He wrote it about himself. And to some extent...about you."

He rounded the door with that, leaving me alone in the studio with my thoughts.

What the fuck had I done to the guy?