I Got Your Picture I'm Coming With You

JACK'S POV

No. No. God no, this couldn't be happening.

My hands were shaking. I felt so helpless. Lexie was barely breathing. I couldn't hear her breathing. I couldn't see her breathing. Why wasn't she breathing?

"Lexie! Lexie hold on! For gods sake please hold on! I need so much. Don't you dare fucking leave me Lexie, please don't you dare. I promise I'll never hurt you again. Please just stay with me Lexie, just stay with me. Just fucking breathe!" I screamed through the tears and sharp stabbing pain in my chest. 

Some part of my brain had recognised the fact that the driver had  rang for the ambulance, and in a matter of minutes they had Lexie out of the car and was doing some sort of small patch job on her right there in the middle of the road. Crowds had started to gather, and barriers had been put up. I couldn't take my eyes off her. They asked me her name and somehow I managed to answer.

"OH MY GOD, IT'S JACK BARAKAT! I LOVE YOU JACK, COME TAKE A PICTURE!" someone yelled and was cheered on by a few people who'd heard of us. 

My blood boiled and I saw red. I turned to face the ecstatic fan, but when she saw my face, hers fell. "SHE'S FUCKING FIGHTING FOR HER LIFE! SHOW SOME FUCKING RESPECT!" I screamed back. I know I shouldn't have, it wasn't nice and it wasn't that fans fault, but I was just so shaken up right now. I was scared and I didn't know what to do. This fan was just here at the wrong place in the wrong time. Just like Lexie.

I felt a tap on my shoulder, but it felt like a painful slap. My nerves were on fire right now.

I turned to see a sympathetic looking paramedic. No. If it was bad news, I didn't want to know. Let me live in ignorance, just for a moment.

"We were just wondering if she has health insurance? It's just we can't find her card."

God, people knew how to piss me off at this moment didn't they? "Her insurance? You want her fucking INSURANCE?! She could be DYING right now and YOU JUST WANT HER FUCKING INSURANCE! SHE'S HERE WITH A VISA FROM ENGLAND ASSHOLE!"

The guy flinched. Actually fucking flinched. What the hell did he have to be scared about? I was the one who could lose the love of my life. Not him. Douchebag. "I'm sorry sir, but we really can't do much without proof."

I sighed trying to calm myself down. He was only trying to help. Man the American health system sucked. "Look, I don't care, she probably has something to cover her while she's here but I would really appreciate it if you could just do your job and keep her alive. Please. I need her. I don't care what it costs, I'll pay anything. I have the money, I'll just pay for all her healthcare. So you don't need to find any insurance. Just please save her, please," I begged, knowing full well it could already be out of their hands.

The guy gave me a small smile, one that he probably had to use every single day of his work. "We'll need you to fill out some forms in the hospital."

I nodded and went back to watching Lexie. Just watching. That's all I could do. They put her in the ambulance and I sat with her. Holding her hand. They told me to keep talking to her, to give her something to hold on to.

When they said that...I froze. Give her something to hold on to? That meant she was slipping away, didn't it? I couldn't have her leave me. I couldn't have her slip away. So I did the only thing I could. I spoke to her. But I didn't have the words to say. I just kept begging her to live, pleading to a god I didn't believe in.

I didn't know where all the tears were coming from. All I knew was that my heart wouldn't stop bleeding.

I was still shaking, gripping her hand for dear life. "Please Lexie, don't leave me," I whispered. "I only just got you back." And then I broke down. 

We got to the hospital, and in a rush she was taken away to a room immediately, and I saw the swarm of people attack her with a defribulator. Her chest rose, lifting her body before it collapsed again. This happened several moments as I watched from the window. Oh god, this couldn't be happening. Not now. Not when we were getting on so well. We had finally talked about what had happened, how we really felt, and how we would take things now. I needed her. I needed her so much. I really did. I hated that I couldn't do anything, that I couldn't just walk in, smile at her, hold her and make everything okay. What if it was never okay again?

After a few stressful minutes that felt like hours, they'd stabilised her and moved her to a private room. On a life support system.

I just sat right by her side, eyes never leaving her face, hand never leaving hers. She was so beautiful. Maybe she wouldn't be in pain like this, just sleeping. But it must be so hard for her, so exhausting to have every part of you fighting. If she was fighting.

What if she gave up? What if she gave up on me? I don't think I could live with myself if that was the case.

I spent the night there, I just fell asleep crying, stroking her face, holding her hand, encouraging her to come back to me. Trying everything I could to get her to make a movement. 

When the nurse tapped my shoulder, and I opened my eyes, I could feel they were sore. I knew I looked a mess, and my breath probably stunk. But I didn't care. Nothing mattered apart from Lexie. "I just need to run a few tests," the nurse told me. Stiffly, I nodded, and got out of my seat so she could move around the bed more easily.

The beeping was a constant pace. Normal. Lifeless. Well, she was still alive but it was robotic. Like she was empty, there was no evidence of the war waging in her body. The peace hid the malicious intent. I suddenly felt stifled, like I couldn't breathe and as much as I wanted to stay with Lexie, in that one moment I had to leave that room. It was too much. I wasn't going to leave her, I just needed a minute outside.

When I escaped the confinement of those walls and recognised the fresh intake of the outside air, I closed my eyes, breathed out slowly, gathered myself together and checked my phone. It was twelve in the afternoon. I had a missed call off each of the guys and Vienna. Shit. I was supposed to take Millie out today. Fuck. I couldn't leave Lexie! And I couldn't bring Millie to a hospital. Damn it.

I called Vienna to let her know what was going on first. She was going to tell Zack so he could tell everyone else. She understood, said her condolences and offered to bring Millie up to see me anyway. I refused, I didn't want Millie to see her dad as a mess. I had to be strong for her, but right now I was so weak. So I just had to distance myself for a while. It shouldn't be too long right? Lexie would wake up real soon, wouldn't she? She had to. I couldn't think any less because then I'd lose everything.

The guys came over. Alex sang some songs and Zack played guitar for her. Their way of trying to get through to her I suppose. But after three weeks they gave up. I guess they thought it was useless. I wouldn't stop. I had to believe in Lexie. I had to believe she would get better.

Millie even came over with Vienna because she needed to see me apparently. She kept crying. But I didn't want to leave. I hadn't left the hospital for weeks, just looking after Lexie in whatever way I could. Millie kept drawing crayon pictures of Lexie as an angel. It upset me and when I cried the little girl put her hands on my face and said "She'll be okay daddy, she found you for me. She's my angel, and my angel won't leave me when I still have wishes to make."

I smiled at that. "I think you're confused with a fairy godmother."

"Why can't she be both?" Millie asked, and I didn't have an answer. I just knew if Lexie was an angel, it would mean she'd die. And I couldn't have that. Then Millie whispered something to Lexie that I couldn't hear and her mother had taken her home.

I hadn't showered in a month, I'd barely eaten, and I hardly ever left Lexie's side unless they had tests to run on her.

I couldn't say I love her. I don't know why. It wasn't like I didn't, because I did. I think it was just if I said it while she was like this...well she wouldn't be able to say it back. And that would kill me.

But what if this was the last chance I got to tell her?

So I leaned in close, my lips a centimetre away from hers, and pushed away all my fears that she may never say it back.

"I love you Lexie," I murmured and kissed her lips lightly.

I felt a small pressure on my hand.