Capsized Erring On The Edge Of Safe
*** Cincinnati
"He's coming to pick you up again?" Deanne asked me critically.
"Yes, do you blame him for wanting to see me all the time," I said smirking.
"No... Ann I need to talk to you about something," she told me in a serious tone.
I didn't like the sober way she told me so I just waited for her to say something. We just sat staring at each other waiting for each other to speak.
"Anberlin, I'm moving to Cincinnati. This is my last day working for your dad," she said finally.
I recoiled in shock and suddenly found tears welling up in my eyes. My best friend.
"You're - but I thought - we're," I spluttered but I couldn't breathe.
I ran from the room, down the hall and slammed the bathroom door behind me locking it. Deanne pounded on the door and yelled my name, but I covered my ears and curled up in the bath tub.
"Fuck Cincinnati!" I screamed back.
***
A crack of light permeated my perfect darkness and I saw a familiar eye looking down at me. I turned and burrowed my face deeper in the dozens of clean white towels I had put around me in the bathtub.
"Come here babe," Demi said scooping me up out of my bed of linens.
He took to me to my bed and laid with me talking but I wasn't listening. You know when a baby just screams and screams till they eventually fall asleep from screaming with every last bit of their energy? Now imagine that baby is 19 years old and locked in a bathroom.
"Don't go," I whispered when he moved his head an inch away from mine and he told me he wouldn't.
"Your dad didn't tell me what happened. Do you want to?" he asked gently.
I shook my head and pressed my face to his chest listening to his heartbeat. He seemed to decide that instead he would just tell me what information my father had divulged in hopes that I would fill in the blanks as he went along.
"So I got here and rang the door bell like ten times until Fiona fianlly came to let me in. And then I went back with her to where all the comotion was. Your dad was trying to take the door knob off so I uhh... helped him,” he paused thinking I was sure about previous transgressions, but he recovered “and once we had your stupid key lock off it was like no one knew what to do. So I… I just went to dig you out and they let me. It was the only thing I could think to do.”
“Thank you,” I mouthed but I’m pretty sure I didn’t make any sound.
While we were laying there my dad came in to check on us and so did Fiona (except she brought food). In the morning Deanne came over but I wouldn’t talk to her and Demi finally asked her to let me be.
And he stayed with me, and he stayed with me, and he stayed with me. And then he had to go to work so he texted me every five minutes (except when he was in the shower). And so was the routine for a week.
“Okay Anberlin Jean, cut the crap. Have you been off your medicine?” my dad said bursting into my room one day as I lay there like a lump once again.
In our language my silence was as good as saying ‘yes’.
“I’m not having another repeat of last time. You have your medicine for a reason, so you need to get back on it and work out this thing with Deanne,” he said and left the room without a backwards glance.
Right. Medicine.
I rolled off my bed and slouched off to my bathroom with it’s now dismantled door handle. There was a panel of glass on the mirror that pulled forward to reveal a medicine cabinet filled with old prescriptions and over-the-counters. I grabbed the most recent orange bottle and after struggling with the childproof lock, dumped an indiscriminant amount into the palm of my hand. I didn’t even bother to chase them down with water.
So he wants me to take my medicine… I thought to myself.
And an unexplainable fury, and anxiety, and sense of helplessness suddenly swirled up inside me till I could feel the heat in my face and seemed to lose control of my appendages. I started to grab all the bottles and shoved them into my pockets, my waist band, my shirt, and everywhere handy. I strode back to my room and began to empty the bottles into my bag and pulled my shoes on.
“I’m going to Demi’s,” I muttered walking past my dad’s office.
In the driveway I choked down another half bottle of Adderall from back in the days when my dad was convinced I had ADD. Here lies the danger of old drugs just lying around the house.
Are you happy now daddy I thought backing out of the driveway, I’m taking my meds and getting out of the house!
At the stoplight the handful of Vicodin from when I tore out my knee went down much smoother than their predecessors. My ears had started ringing and I wasn’t embarrassed about taking two parking spaces outside Demi’s apartment. One time at his apartment was enough for me to remember where it was.
“Demi are you there?” I said stumbling over my tongue.
So I sat and ate them one by one like a child’s favorite candy, meant to me savored as long as possible. And then he was there in all of his pale trembling glory yelling words that I couldn’t hear. I wasn’t the least bit phased.
“Don’t tell,” I said giggling like a child, eyelids fluttering.
"Yes, do you blame him for wanting to see me all the time," I said smirking.
"No... Ann I need to talk to you about something," she told me in a serious tone.
I didn't like the sober way she told me so I just waited for her to say something. We just sat staring at each other waiting for each other to speak.
"Anberlin, I'm moving to Cincinnati. This is my last day working for your dad," she said finally.
I recoiled in shock and suddenly found tears welling up in my eyes. My best friend.
"You're - but I thought - we're," I spluttered but I couldn't breathe.
I ran from the room, down the hall and slammed the bathroom door behind me locking it. Deanne pounded on the door and yelled my name, but I covered my ears and curled up in the bath tub.
"Fuck Cincinnati!" I screamed back.
***
A crack of light permeated my perfect darkness and I saw a familiar eye looking down at me. I turned and burrowed my face deeper in the dozens of clean white towels I had put around me in the bathtub.
"Come here babe," Demi said scooping me up out of my bed of linens.
He took to me to my bed and laid with me talking but I wasn't listening. You know when a baby just screams and screams till they eventually fall asleep from screaming with every last bit of their energy? Now imagine that baby is 19 years old and locked in a bathroom.
"Don't go," I whispered when he moved his head an inch away from mine and he told me he wouldn't.
"Your dad didn't tell me what happened. Do you want to?" he asked gently.
I shook my head and pressed my face to his chest listening to his heartbeat. He seemed to decide that instead he would just tell me what information my father had divulged in hopes that I would fill in the blanks as he went along.
"So I got here and rang the door bell like ten times until Fiona fianlly came to let me in. And then I went back with her to where all the comotion was. Your dad was trying to take the door knob off so I uhh... helped him,” he paused thinking I was sure about previous transgressions, but he recovered “and once we had your stupid key lock off it was like no one knew what to do. So I… I just went to dig you out and they let me. It was the only thing I could think to do.”
“Thank you,” I mouthed but I’m pretty sure I didn’t make any sound.
While we were laying there my dad came in to check on us and so did Fiona (except she brought food). In the morning Deanne came over but I wouldn’t talk to her and Demi finally asked her to let me be.
And he stayed with me, and he stayed with me, and he stayed with me. And then he had to go to work so he texted me every five minutes (except when he was in the shower). And so was the routine for a week.
“Okay Anberlin Jean, cut the crap. Have you been off your medicine?” my dad said bursting into my room one day as I lay there like a lump once again.
In our language my silence was as good as saying ‘yes’.
“I’m not having another repeat of last time. You have your medicine for a reason, so you need to get back on it and work out this thing with Deanne,” he said and left the room without a backwards glance.
Right. Medicine.
I rolled off my bed and slouched off to my bathroom with it’s now dismantled door handle. There was a panel of glass on the mirror that pulled forward to reveal a medicine cabinet filled with old prescriptions and over-the-counters. I grabbed the most recent orange bottle and after struggling with the childproof lock, dumped an indiscriminant amount into the palm of my hand. I didn’t even bother to chase them down with water.
So he wants me to take my medicine… I thought to myself.
And an unexplainable fury, and anxiety, and sense of helplessness suddenly swirled up inside me till I could feel the heat in my face and seemed to lose control of my appendages. I started to grab all the bottles and shoved them into my pockets, my waist band, my shirt, and everywhere handy. I strode back to my room and began to empty the bottles into my bag and pulled my shoes on.
“I’m going to Demi’s,” I muttered walking past my dad’s office.
In the driveway I choked down another half bottle of Adderall from back in the days when my dad was convinced I had ADD. Here lies the danger of old drugs just lying around the house.
Are you happy now daddy I thought backing out of the driveway, I’m taking my meds and getting out of the house!
At the stoplight the handful of Vicodin from when I tore out my knee went down much smoother than their predecessors. My ears had started ringing and I wasn’t embarrassed about taking two parking spaces outside Demi’s apartment. One time at his apartment was enough for me to remember where it was.
“Demi are you there?” I said stumbling over my tongue.
So I sat and ate them one by one like a child’s favorite candy, meant to me savored as long as possible. And then he was there in all of his pale trembling glory yelling words that I couldn’t hear. I wasn’t the least bit phased.
“Don’t tell,” I said giggling like a child, eyelids fluttering.
♠ ♠ ♠
Okay so I just want to say that this chapter and the one to come deal with some very real issues. I know that they are things that some of us have felt, considered, or even tried and are not to be taken ligtly. Trust me. I know.And if you have had any of these problem and would like someone to talk to feel free to message me.
I'm here to talk to anyone who needs it.
*steps off of soapbox*