Set Fire to the Rain

“Ughh! Sometimes I really hate fucking technology. Why does he have to call me? Seriously, I don’t want to answer the fucking thing. Especially since it’s not the guy I really want to call.” I said to myself sitting in my room on my bed staring off out towards my window. I decided to ignore the asshole’s phone call. That was just something I was NOT ready to deal with, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it on my own or not. Besides I couldn't bother Jake, he was getting ready to run out the door. John and Scott were on their way to pick him up then off to get Ari. Part of me really wished I was going with them. I knew it would be a bad idea to do that too soon though. Home is where I needed to stay, at least for now. Tomorrow after all, was another day… At that precise moment the tone for Skype went off and I knew it was Mags and Julie.

Walking over to grab my laptop, I brought it back to the bed and lay back with it on my lap as I answered the call and placed my face in the screen area and looked upon the face of my beautiful girl. The second she came into view, I could feel the smile across my face spread.

“Hey ya Mommy. How are you feeling today? The bruises are looking a bit better.”

“Yeah, I guess I’m doing alright.” I said looking down at my hands that now held the Sand dollar in my lap.

“Bullshit woman! You are so not doing ok. What is wrong?”

“It’s nothing. Not a big deal really, you don’t need to worry about it honestly.”

“Uhhuh. I don’t fucking believe you, so you had better spill it now! If you don’t I will come over to see you instead of going to the show tonight, and personally drag it out of you. So start talking.”

“Now that would be doing something stupid, and totally not worthwhile! You are going to that show with your amazing roommate young lady!”

“I love you Ms. C!” I heard Julie calling from somewhere in their dorm room. “Be nice to your mom MJ.”

“Exactly, be nice to your mother!” I had to smile at that. Sometimes Julie just had no clue who she was messing with, and she just didn't care.

“Mind your business roomie! Now, you…” She said pointing at the laptop, and said “start talking.” Mags sat back in a large chair folding her arms over her chest and sat quietly just waiting. Nope, she wasn't giving in.

“Ughhhhh. You are so fucking stubborn!” I took a deep breath and thought about if I really wanted to get into this with her especially tonight when she was going to the show. But I also knew that if I swore her to secrecy she won’t say a word, so maybe I could kill two birds with one stone. Get some feedback and get her off my case. Here goes nothing right?

“Ok, so basically, the other day when Shannon and I were at the beach, he told me that there was something between us and I of course said that he was imagining things and that I only wanted to be friends with him. I told him that I only believed there were friendship type feelings between us. And that we were better that way since he lives on the other side of the country and he would be leaving me behind anyway to go home and live his life in LA and work in LA. I mean really, who the hell would want to deal with a woman and her 2 teenagers who have a psycho ex lunatic? I can tell you, no one does, I can guarantee that! Then Shannon is going home to LA with tons of hot chicks and night clubs, a huge night life, where there is no shortage of very hot young models without any baggage/issues, and I will only be a distant memory. Some damsel in stress he helped out for a little while. Then in a few months he won’t even remember who the fuck I am or that I ever existed. Or that he was just a damned fool for considering a girl like me. So I will be left here to pick up the pieces of my broken and shattered heart and soul from all over the universe and try to put myself back together again, as if that would ever be possible. To keep him from feeling obligation or pity, I told him that I only felt a friendship towards him, nothing more. Apparently he believed me so. Now here we sit, completely and totally awkward and estranged and I hate it. I haven’t heard from him in 2 days, and it’s killing me.”

“What’s the truth mom? The fucking truth please for once in your life, no one is going to beat you for speaking your mind and saying how you feel .”

Tears started to roll down my cheeks slowly, and I quickly whipped them away hoping she didn't notice. “I have been trying very hard to keep the brick wall that has been safely in place around my heart and soul intact where Shannon is concerned. However, he keeps managing to find ways to make small cracks and chips that I never thought possible. I am feeling things with him that I have never felt before, and it scares the shit out of me and I don’t know what to do. He makes me feel things and want things and envision things I didn't think I ever would again. Mags, he makes me smile, really smile! The man makes me laugh, and makes me so fucking happy, I can’t stand it, but in a good way.”

“What’s so wrong with that then Mom? Why would you want to push him away and only want to be friends when he wanted to be more than that with you?”

“Because… Your dad is going to come after someone, whether it’s me, Shannon, Jared, Tomo, you, your brother, Jack, Kym, Errik, Scott, or John. He will come after one of you. Your dad knows that by going after the people I care about, he is coming at me in the worse way possible. If anything happened to any of you, it would kill me. I wouldn't forgive myself, or survive it, if I lost any of you. And he knows that. I would give my life up for all of you, anytime, anywhere, no questions asked.”

“Mom, that’s the dumbest and sweetest fucking thing I have ever heard. But shit woman, you are so frustrating sometimes. Just so you know!!! Seriously, think about this. You are letting that asshole win, you know that right. You have got to stand up and say fuck you, I want and deserve to be happy. It’s worth taking a chance to be happy with someone I care about and who cares about me. Oh and here’s an idea, why don’t we file charges and put his ass in fucking prison! Then he can’t come after you or anyone else ever again! It’s the least he deserves don’t you think for all the fucking shit he’s done to all of us. I will tell you one thing, if he comes anywhere near you and lays a single hand on you, I will be the one filing charges on his disgusting abusive ass. No questions or arguments.” I knew from the look on MJ’s face that she was completely serious and meant business. The other thing was that deep down, I knew she was 100% right, and a part of me couldn't help but feel a huge amount of shame and guilt with that. If only… If only I had said and done so many things so long ago. Things may be so different for all of us.

I looked away from my daughter, slowly hanging my head, shaking it ever so slightly. This is where I still struggled with myself on a daily basis. How I had failed my children so many times. Had I failed my children by staying in a relationship that was horrific, and doomed from early on, had I brought all this pain and suffering upon the ones I held closest to my heart, the ones that I loved most in the entire world, the very people that I would admittedly give my life for without a second’s hesitation. In essence this was all my fault and I did nothing but consistently let them all down by not stepping up, despite my best intentions and the desire to what I know is right, fear always seemed to win out in the end. Yet my child would gladly do what I have not been able to do after all these years.

“Don’t go there mom. I know what you’re thinking, and don’t you fucking dare.” She said softly pulling me from the dark path my thoughts were starting to go down. “You are an amazing mother, and you have always put us first, done what is best for us. I have never been more proud of you.”

I lifted my head and looked into the computer screen back at MJ with a questioning look. She knew immediately what I was getting at, and she shook her head at me, wagged her finger at me, (yes she actually wagged her finger at me) and said with a bit of humor, “Ok, well maybe a few of your recent decisions have been a bit um, fucking stupid, but I still love you and I am still proud of you. Though you do need to figure out exactly what the hell you are doing in the sexy drummer department. I am going to have to find myself a chiropractor if you don’t figure things out soon from the case of whiplash you are giving me. I do believe Katy Perry sings a song about this. Hot and Cold or something like that. ” She was laughing at me and making fun of me now, but she did have a point.

“So are you saying that I am being a dumb ass and that I should go to Shannon, beg forgiveness and that he should forget I ever opened my big stupid mouth and uttered the horrible word ‘friend’.”

“As entertaining as that might be, no, that isn't what I was saying. I think what you need to do is take a few days, or however long you need to do it, and figure out exactly what it is you really want. What your feelings for him are deep down. How do you really feel about him when you are with him? How do you feel when you are without him? When you think of Shannon going back to LA and not being around, and not being able to see one another, how do you feel? And if he were around more, how would you feel then? What are the things you like most about him, what do you dislike about him? If you have to write it all down and look it over, do it. I hate to say it because I know how much you hate this, but make a list. Where do you see him fitting into your future? Do you see him in your future? Because mom, you are working towards a future, whether it’s alone or with someone at some point, there is a bright, amazing, fun, free future for you to experience that you haven’t had a chance to even begin to tap into yet. This is just the beginning mom, and I would really hate to see you go along the journey ahead of you completely alone because of the asshole from your past. It’s time to put him to rest, don’t you think? You are home from work the next couple days and you have the weekend, so you have plenty of time to really think this over. I know I may have said this to you before, but Shannon seems like a great guy, and he also seems to make you truly happy when you are together. That’s just my opinion. But this isn’t about me, Jake, Shannon or anyone else. This is about you and what you want and how you feel.” MJ sat quietly looking at me through her computer screen waiting patiently for a response, but allowing me to think over everything she had said.
The silence stretched on for a few minutes before I took a slow deep breath and looked up at her and spoke. “You know, I haven’t heard from him at all since the beach. Well, other than a couple of text messages and even those were clipped. But I haven’t actually spoken to him, heard his voice. And to be perfectly honest, I hate it Mags. Now I send him a text and I don’t hear from him for what feels like hours, even though it might not be. It’s all just so…..different. It makes my fucking heart hurt, it physically hurts. How is that possible… I really screwed up when I said the ‘f’ word to him didn’t I?” Mags briefly disappeared from the computer screen; she then was back in view. I could hear voices in the background, probably Julie, her partner in crime.

“You only said what was in your heart at the time right? So how could that be wrong? Unless it wasn't really what you wanted to say and you were being stupid. Ok, you see this is why you need to figure things out, and not worry about everyone else. Think about you for a change. Ok, mommy I hate to do this, but I have to get ready to go ok. If you need me, call or text me ok. Do you want me to come down to your place and hang with you tonight?”

“No, no, no. I will be alright. Y’all go to the show and have fun. Tell everyone I said hi. “My voice tinged with a bit of sadness.

“I will mom. Take some Advil and get some rest, you’re looking really soar and tired. I will talk to you tomorrow ok?”

“You can count on it. I love you sweetheart.”

“Love you more!”

I went to respond, but MJ was already disconnected from Skype and I was sitting in front of a blank screen. I did have a lot to think on, so taking my daughters advice; I decided to go into the kitchen and take a couple Advil and grab a little something to eat. Then I would go to sleep and rest my body for a while. JT came in to say goodbye and tell me that the guys were almost there. They were going to pick Ari up and head out to get dinner on the way to the show. I asked him to video tape it so I could watch it when I was ready. Jake knew what I was really asking him and agreed to do this small favor for me. At least I wouldn't completely miss the show. I thought about sending Shannon a text, but changed my mind, feeling this need to hear a voice. I was really missing that deep gravelly beautiful sound. Shit.

I dialed the number on my cell phone, and waited while the other side rang a few times. Voice mail picked up, hearing his gorgeous voice I melted on the inside, and once I heard the beep giving the ok to leave a message, I said, “Hey Drummer Man. I know it’s the first night of the Church shows and I won’t be there, though I wish I was. My family will be. Anyway, I wanted to call and say I hope you have an incredible night. I already know it’s going to be amazing, and you will do great, because it’s just what you do. Know that I am thinking of you, and hoping your safe. Maybe I will talk to you soon. Ok…………. Um………………. well, I don’t want to keep you. Talk soon. Ok… Bye…..” I whispered softly to him. I really didn’t want to end the call, but there was obviously no other choice. Begrudgingly I pressed end. I only hoped that I heard back from him. I missed the gravely sound of his voice, his booming laugh, the sparkle of his eyes when something made him happy.

Hearing his voice in a recording just wasn't cutting it. I put my phone down on my nightstand, lay down on my bed placing my head on my pillow pulling Freddy into me closely, feeling something odd happening in my chest, an ache, a pain, it hurt. My heart was breaking and felt like it was falling in the very depths of my soul into a place where something was missing and I wasn't exactly sure what it was, but I had a pretty good idea. I do believe this is what heartbreak feels like. It’s insane to be feeling like this over someone I hardly know and haven’t even dated for fucks sake. Isn't this how I ended up in the mess with David for as long as I did? I didn't listen to my brother when he warned me about him from day one and offered to do the background check. I had told him to fuck off, that David was an upstanding citizen in the community, a successful guy, had money and connections, he wanted to take care of me, and he had proposed to me not long after we started to date. David had lavished me with expensive gifts and said I would never have to do a thing. All of it, Jack had picked up on as huge red flags and I had completely ignored them, falling in love with love, wanting to be pampered and taken care of. Who wouldn't want that right? Maybe, but not to the extent that David had taken it to over the years, because a large part of it wasn't something I liked to look back on. Everything had changed the day we came home from the honeymoon. Literally the honeymoon was over and reality was a cold wet towel to the face. When I made the decision to marry David I was very young and very naive. However I would never change the fact that I had my two amazing kids at the end of all of this. Now, obviously, I know that Shannon is absolutely nothing like David. I knew that the second I met him, even without him being in the public eye the way he is, I just knew. They are good people. Even Jack, my fucktard of a brother, can attest to that. The Leto brothers are a unique pair and have been nothing but perfect gentleman. Their mom did an amazing job raising them, and any woman would be incredibly lucky to have them in their lives. Yes, I know the stories about Shannon being a womanizing man-whore, who had a girl in every town at every hotel and would fuck them and leave them basically. He wasn't the relationship kind of guy. He just wanted to have fun and have no strings attached with anyone, anywhere. And maybe that was a big part of why I was holding back with him and not letting myself really open up to the possibility of being with him. I have already lived through one heartbreaking relationship, I wouldn't survive it again. The thought of Shannon with someone else, holding his hand, kissing him, it made my stomach churn, and my heart broke into a few more pieces. Is this my heart or my head trying to help me answer my constant questions for me? I don’t know. With my heart aching and thoughts of only the hazel eyed, muscled drummer, my eyes closed slowly, falling into yet another night filled with unending nightmares.