Set Fire to the Rain

Waking up from a very unsatisfying night’s sleep at around 8:30 am Friday morning, all I had done the night before was have night terrors and horrible dreams that I don’t really want to think about right now. They were extremely unpleasant to say the least. I pray I don’t have another night like that anytime soon. Carefully I stretched my body out before I began moving, the soreness was beginning to ease slightly, but it was still there, I knew it would be. It was going to take a little while to heal from what David had done, it always had. Last night JT got home at around 3 am. They had hung out with the guys and the crew after the show. I had told him that I thought it was great that they had been able to spend time together, yet I also felt a slight ache in my chest at the thought of Shannon being there with everyone and I still had yet to hear from him. Jakey told me that Jared personally escorted Mags and Julie back to their dorm room and made sure that they were safely inside before he left. I really appreciated him doing this for us. It was above and beyond for anyone, especially a man as busy as Jared. It meant a lot to me that he was doing this, and I know it meant a lot to Evan.
I picked up my cell phone from my nightstand and started to go through my messages only seeing a couple from MJ, and Kym, but nothing from Shannon. I began feeling that ache in my chest and the twist in my stomach again. Honestly I don’t know how much more of this I can take. Whatever was going on with Shannon, I didn't like it one bit. I sent him a text to see how he was doing and how the show went. Surely I would get an answer to that right? It’s what a friend would do after all.

I sat and typed out a simple message and sat patiently waiting for a reply, alright, maybe not all that patiently, sitting with my phone in my lap as my foot tapped the floor and my hand played with the ends of my hair nervously.

E—Hey crazy ass drummer man! How was your show last night? :)

I sat waiting for almost 45 minutes before I had any kind of response from him. It wasn't much of a response at that. I couldn't believe what I saw before me…

S—Great show. Gtg, Cya.

Really! I waited 45 minutes for that! What the actual fuck! Knowing I couldn't actually say that to him, I replied the only way I knew how. I was just too stunned for anything else. Or maybe I was brokenhearted…

E—Okay. C ya.

Umm, ok. That was all we said, and I left it at that. Suddenly i became pissed and I threw my cell phone across my room, out of pure frustration, immediately regretting the action. I felt the shot of pain in my arm the second I threw my phone. Thankfully my cell landed in my laundry basket, so I know it didn't break. The entire situation was starting to completely freak me out. This man was driving me crazy. Talk about hot and cold. Alright, it feels more like boiling and freezing! I mean seriously, going from one extreme to another! I wish he would make up his mind already. Shannon had said that he was alright with being friends, and he couldn't imagine me not being in his life. So what the fuck is up with giving me the cold shoulder? After I sat and thought about it for a while, it dawned on me that I had been doing the same exact thing to him, and that it wasn't fair to him in the least bit. I really had to make a decision and stick with it, but deep down I knew it was easier said than done, given everything that had happened, and what lie ahead.

I needed to relax my mind and let everything go for a while. I was beyond stressed and my muscles were screaming. I needed to sketch. This was one of my private therapies that David never knew about. I don’t even think the kids know about it. It was something I kept just for myself when I needed a private escape. In the years with David it was never easy to do because he knew everything and would go through all of my personal belongings. So I never had much of a chance to draw when we were together, well basically never. However, the second I left him, I went and bought myself supplies at the local art supply store and kept them in my nightstand for when I needed to relax. Walking to my nightstand I stooped over and opened the drawer pulling from it my sketch pad and pencils. Taking them with me, I walked down the hall into MJ’s room, sitting on the window seat with the light streaming in the window. Opening the pad to a clean page, I leaned back with the pad resting on my thighs and clearing my head of all thoughts and frustrations, I allowed my hand to move freely and begin to sketch whatever came to me. Not really paying any attention to what I was putting down on the paper in front of me, I looked down at the sheet before me, realizing that I had just spent the majority of the time drawing out Shannon’s eyes, and the outlines of his face in shadow, all from memory. Smiling at the unfinished picture that sat in front of me, I bit down on my lower lip and shook my head slowly. I was beginning to think that Kym had been right; I am so totally and completely fucked…

Pacing around my room in circles for the last hour, I slowly walked over to my vanity and sat on the chair. Reaching down to the bottom drawer I pulled it open and took the manila envelope from inside placing it in my lap running my hand lightly over the top of it, hoping maybe it would speak to me. I don’t know, or give me an answer to my unanswered questions maybe. I slowly began to unclasp the flap with shaking fingers and opened the envelope in my lap. Taking a slow deep breath, I reached inside pulling from the contents a single paper ticket for tonight’s final NY Church of MARS show. Resealing the envelope, I placed it back into the bottom drawer of my vanity. I sat back in the chair and held the ticket in my hands just looking at it. The ticket was for GA seating. My guess was that when Shannon had sent the tickets and passes over, that he figured we would use the passes and tickets together, but that wasn’t what I had planned for tonight. This was all completely crazy and I have never done anything like this before in my life. I am honestly a bit scared as to how things are going to end up at the end of the evening. All I want is to just see him. I need to see him. I have no intentions of Shannon or any of the others actually seeing me there. I want to be invisible. This was strictly for me to be there for him and for it to hopefully help me figure this whole mess out, without dragging him back into it. Whether I can actually pull that off I don’t know. I guess the only way to find out is to try. I know that everyone has been on my case about going out in public alone with David on the loose, but I am feeling this pull, that I can’t explain and not even the threat of David being out there, will keep me from going. Yeah, I know I will catch hell for it later, but I know that if I don’t do this I will live with the regret and question of ‘what if’ forever. And how can anyone live with that. I have lived with what if’s for my whole life, and I refuse to do it any longer. I am going to stand up for me now, and do this. Am I telling anyone that I am going? Fuck no. I am still not talking to Jack and Kym would have my head on a platter, so this is something I am doing by myself and I am not telling a soul. Now, it was time to get ready, and I wasn't going to tell anyone where I was going. Because if I did, I knew they would either spill everything or I would end up with an entire entourage of people going with me and I would no longer be invisible. No harm no foul. I hope…