Everything's On Fire

His hands slipped across my stomach, tugging my body over his with a quiet noise and movement. We fit together perfectly, something I always loved about cuddling with him. It was always comfortable. We were like the last two pieces of a puzzle, fitting in just the right way after spending hours putting it together.

The smoothness of his previously chapped lips touched the bridge of my nose and then my forehead. He let out a soft noise and I shifted, resting my chin on his chest. The hazel and green of his eyes met my own blue eyes and he pursed his lips together, trying to figure out just what to say.

My name floated between his lips and I suddenly felt terrible. The loving tone of his voice nearly broke my heart, knowing all the terrible things I'd done to him and he'd done to me. We were a mess. A beautiful, awful mess. But we still loved each other, despite it all.

"I'm sorry," he murmured.

"I am, too," I replied, my voice just over a whisper.

He had been on tour with his band, The Maine. During that time, his drunken behavior had gotten the best of him. His honesty was one I appreciated, but for some reason, I felt as if I'd rather not known at all. During the time that he leaves, I would always find myself isolated from him, because I'd rather not talk to him and pretend he wasn't alive, rather than face the pain of him actually being gone.

"I... I don't know what to do, Lorainne," he murmured. "I just feel so... I don't even know. I just know I can't let you go. I'm so in love with you, but all I do is hurt you."

Quickly, I sat up, moving myself so I was sitting on his lap as he lied back. Both my legs were on either side of his body and I ran my hand through my hair, pushing it all to one side. "But I love you," I told him.

He sat up as well, putting his hands on my hips. "I don't know what to do," he repeated.

"Do you not want to be with me anymore?" I asked, my voice soft and delicate. Just as the mere thought, I could feel tears building up in my eyes, ready to explode like a flood gate first rising.

Letting out a sigh, he put his head on my shoulder. I could feel his breath growing heavier and I pursed my lips together, feeling awful over the fact that he felt so terrible. He whispered about how his heart hurt so much and I found myself letting a few tears fall from my eyes. I swallowed deeply and held on tighter to him, feeling like if I didn't, I'd lose him forever.

"This happens all the time, Lorainne. When we're apart, we're terrible to each other. But when I'm with you, nothing else matters. You're the only one I ever want to be with and when I'm with you, I want to make that real. I want you forever and always, through everything - all of it. If we keep doing this, we'll only self destruct. You know that I love you, baby, but..."

I shook my head and placed a hand on his cheek. He stopped speaking and he looked right at me. Leaning forward, I placed a kiss on his lips - one that he instantly understood. "John, it's only ever gonna be you. I'm never gonna let you go. The world outside of us is awful and we know that - we know that we can't survive it apart. But isn't all the terrible things worth this?" I asked, motioning to the very small between us. "We can change, I know we can. We'll be alright."

He shook his head, moving to get up from underneath me. "Don't you get it, Lorainne? I cheat on you and I sleep with other girls while I'm on tour," he said. The tone of his voice was so... ashamed and upset, that I found it hard to believe. "You ignore me for the entire time I'm gone and then we don't talk. What the hell am I supposed to do? I can't let you go, but I refuse to keep doing this with you. But I'll never let you go."

For a moment, I watched him get up and pace back and forth. I could see the wheels turning in his brain, trying to decide what would be best for him to do. Suddenly, his eyes lit up and he looked at me with a smile.

"What?" I asked.

He knelt in front of me and kissed me. "Marry me, Lorainne," he murmured softly. "Marry me and we'll be fine."