Everything's On Fire

"What drug are you on, Lorainne?" my best friend, Drew, asked me as he and I sat on his couch at his apartment, watching television and eating Chinese food.

My recently waxed eyebrows raised at him, wondering what in the hell he was talking about, since we had been sitting in silence for the last ten minutes as we watched an episode of Freaks and Geeks on Netflix.

When I questioned what he was talking about, he rolled his eyes. "Why in the fucking world would you agree to marry John?"

A loud and deep sigh left my throat and I put down my plate on the coffee table. My body faced Drew completely and he mimicked my actions. "Drew, I wish you would just accept this. He and I... John and I... we love each other. I've been with him for three years already."

"God damn it, Lorainne, you need to fucking face it! He fucks other girls when he's gone! Can you seriously not get that through your head? All the other times that you took him back, I didn't argue with you over it because I thought you'd be smart enough to stop! But you aren't! You can't... you can't marry this guy!"

As he went on and on, I didn't look at him. My eyes stayed low and I didn't listen to the words he spoke. I knew that if I were to fight back with him, Drew would only get more upset, so I let him go, not allowing his words to impact me. When he was done, I still didn't reply.

I let him cool down for a moment before replying. "He's not the only one at fault, Drew, when he's gone, I don't-"

"You don't speak to him? Big fucking deal, Lorainne!" he cut off sarcastically. "At least you aren't fucking random guys! Not once have you ever been unfaithful to him! Even when I drunkenly kissed you at Loren and Lex's wedding, you ran off and told him immediately! Now if you think I'm going to sit back and let you marry this asshole while he constantly and repeatedly breaks your heart, you are sorely mistaken, Lor."

It was hard to not let my anger get the best of me and I thought I was doing really well, considering I hadn't flipped out on him yet. "And what are you going to do about it, Andrew?" I asked condescendingly.

"If you go through with this wedding, I won't be there, Lorainne. I won't be at the wedding and you can sure as hell bet your ass that I won't be around after."

Narrowing my eyes, I searched his face for any sort of bluff. When I spotted nothing and figured out he was serious, my jaw fell slightly. Without replying, I got up from his couch and gathered my things. Walking to the door, I stopped and turned around with my hand on the knob.

"I honestly can't believe that my best friend won't support me. I've never been so disappointed in you," I told him.

"I honestly can't believe that my best friend doesn't see that she deserves so much better than some low life jerk off in a band that cheats on her countless times. If you think you're disappointed, Lorainne, imagine how disappointed I am, in you."

He didn't give me a chance to reply because he quickly got up and walked into his room, shutting the door behind him and leaving me alone.

~

A soft breath left my lips as John's lips worked their way down my throat to my chest. His hands were roaming my body, touching me in all the places that he knew drove me crazy. Delicate little pants left my mouth as he sucked on my collarbone. His left hand held his body up to hover over mine while his right hand worked it's way through the button and zipper on my shorts. The tips of his fingers hovered over me and my hips involuntarily rose, causing John to smirk against my skin.

His lips traveled up to meet mine and he swallowed my moan as his fingers slipped into my warmth. Against my will, my body betrayed me as I squirmed under his touch, falling to pieces below him, but he didn't allow me to. His hand disappeared from me and he used it to pull my shorts and underwear down, leaving me bare below him.

"You are all mine," he whispered lovingly to me. "You're mine forever, Lorainne."

I was his and I always would be. John was who I loved and he was the only person I would ever love. I was only his and I hadn't been any one else's since I met John. But John hadn't only been mine. He had been so many other girl's as well. The thought instantly repulsed me and just as he pushed himself into me, I shoved on his chest, pushing him back. I sat up from the bed and pulled my clothes on, ignoring all the words John was saying to me. I made my way into the bathroom and locked the door before stripping of my clothes again.

John was knocking on the door, but I ignored it as I turned the heat on in the shower and slipped inside, not caring that the scalding water was burning my skin.

My mind was running on overdrive. The thought that John had been with so many other girls made me sick. He was the only one that had touched me and loved me so intimately but I wasn't the only one for him. That wasn't fair to me.

Maybe Drew was right. How could I be with someone who did something like that to me? Not even how, but why would I be with someone like that? Why would I want to?

I was so preoccupied with my thoughts that I hadn't heard the bathroom door open and I jumped as I felt John's hands touch me.

"Lorainne, what... what just happened?" he asked, trying to pull me to close him. When I pushed him back, I could see the hurt in his eyes. He attempted again, but I still refused to let him hold me like I knew he wanted to. "Lor..."

Shaking my head, I turned my back to him, letting the water hit my face, masking the tears in my eyes. "You said I'm yours, John... only yours. I am... but you, you've... you've been with so many girls. You're not only mine."

"Lorainne... you," he paused, thinking for a moment, "you're right. It's not fair of me to do that to you, and then tell you that you're only mine."

I was silent and so was he as we stood in the shower together. The temperature of the water was turning my skin red and I jumped as John reached past me to lower it a little. His hands grasped my body and this time, I didn't fight it.

"Those girls... they were nothing compared to you, Lori. They meant nothing and no one will ever mean anything to me compared to what you do. You are the only one for me and yes, I am yours. I'm only yours and I will only ever be yours."

Everything about me was unresponsive as he tried to get me to talk to him, but I didn't. I stayed still and the only sound coming from me was my breathing. He said my name a few times and murmured random things that I don't remember I finally turned to face him.

He smiled, but I frowned. "Can I just... be alone, John?"

The smile on his face turned to a frown and he slipped his hand under my chin, forcing me to look at him. "Don't do this to me, Lorainne, please...," he murmured. "Don't push me away. I've already told you that I can't lose you."

"No one said you were losing me, John, I just want to be alone."

Leaning down, he kissed me, which I slightly responded to. "You'll still marry me, right? You haven't changed your mind?"

I could see the desperation in his eyes and it made me feel bad. It was dumb because I had no reason to feel bad, but I did, all because I knew how much he loved me and how much it would kill him if I left him. My hand cupped his cheek that was slightly rough with stubble. "Yes John, I haven't changed my mind. I'll still marry you."