Everything's On Fire

Eighteen months earlier; December 26th, 2011

I smiled, curling further into John's chest as he ran his hand up and down my back. The fact that he was able to be home with me for Christmas was something I was more than happy for. Two nights before, on Christmas Eve, while I was home alone with my dog, Marley, he surprised me by walking in the door. I wasn't expecting him at all, because he was on tour for the time being. He was off for Christmas, but they were supposed to be in Florida, unable to make it home.

John pulled me closer to him, which made me face him. He pulled my face closer to his, pressing his lips against mine. "I love you, Lorainne Dawson, so damn much," he murmured.

My hand went to my neck, feeling the necklace he had gotten me for Christmas sitting there. I grinned up at John, kissing him again. "I love you, too, John."

He suddenly frowned at me. "It's good to hear your voice again, baby."

I frowned at myself. John had been on tour for two weeks and in that two weeks, I had only spoken to him three times. It was too hard for me, to be away from him. I didn't know how to handle it, so I ignored it. When he called or texted, I wouldn't reply. I had no idea why I did, but I just couldn't bring myself to face the fact that he was gone and not with me.

"I'm sorry," I said lowly. "You know I love you."

As I said that, his eyes changed along with his whole face. I frowned, reaching up to touch his cheek, wondering what was wrong. He took my hand, pulling it from his face. "I uh... I made a mistake, Lorainne," he mumbled. "I was... I was drunk and you weren't answering your phone and I missed you... I missed you so fucking much. And I was drunk... very drunk," he started. My eyes widened at what he was saying, hoping that he was going to end his story by saying he started gambling or something. "I'm so, so fucking sorry, baby."

"What?" I asked, my voice barely audible.

He sighed shakily, making a wavered breath. "There was this girl, she just reminded me so much of you and we uh...," he trailed off, not bothering to finish. He didn't need to, I had a pretty damn good idea what he was saying.

In disgust, I pulled away from him. My mind immediately began to roam through images of John with another girl, one that definitely wasn't me. Tears sprung like a leak in my eyes, falling right away. My body rose from the bed, not able to be next to him.

John stood up, reaching for me, but I backed away. How could he do that to me? How could he cheat on me?

He managed to grab my arm, pulling me towards him. I shoved his chest, tears still falling. There were so many things going through my mind, but I couldn't focus on a single thought. My mind was racing, way more than it should've.

In that moment, it literally felt as if my heart had dropped and shattered in my stomach. I loved him so much and he did that to me.

But it was all my fault. If I hadn't ignored him or if I answered the phone, that wouldn't have happened. It was my fault that he cheated on me. All I had to do was answer the phone or text him back. I couldn't even do that.

"Baby, I am so sorry, I'm so sorry," he told me over and over again.

"It's my fault," I murmured, mostly to myself, but of course he heard. "It's all my fault."

"What?" John asked, his eyes wide. "No... it's not your fault, Lorainne, it's nowhere near your fault."

I shook my head, pulling my arm from his grasp. I went to sit on our bed, John didn't follow. "It's my fault."

~

"He uh, he told you?" Kennedy asked, laying next to me later that day. John had gone to his parents, but I didn't feel like going anywhere. To keep me company, Kennedy came over. We were lying in mine and John's bed, when he asked me. I nodded. "And uh, what did you say?"

Shrugging, I turned on my side to face Ken. He was already looking at me. "I don't know, I just... I froze. Am I dumb to still be with him? I love him so much and I know that he loves me just as much. So am I dumb?"

I watched as Kennedy thought for a moment. He finally pursed his lips together after a moment and then shook his head. "No, I guess not. But I don't think I'm the right person to get advice from... I cheated on Gabi and she took me back, remember? Look, everyday I regret what I did to her, but I can't change it. And John can't change what he did. I know he wishes he could, but he can't. You should've seen him on the bus after. He was just so depressed and sullen. I would say to give him a second chance. You two deserve it. But like I said, I doubt I'm the guy you need to be taking advice from."

Kennedy was right. John did deserve a second chance, we owed it to ourselves, I think. I made a mental note to talk to Gabi, ask her how she dealt with it and how she handled the situation.

For the next couple hours, Kennedy and I avoided the conversation again. We just hung out, like we used to. It seemed like forever ago that we dated and it kind of was. When we were together, it wasn't real together. We were young and naïve and stupid. The physical part of our relationship never went past making out. We were thirteen for goodness sakes, that was good enough back then.

Even though we were young and dumb, I of course loved Kennedy, who had been John Franklin Trotter at the time. I don't think I was ever in love with him, because let's be honest, I was only thirteen. I didn't know what love was then. But I did care about him. I loved him a lot and even now, of course I love him like a sister loves a brother. He's one of my best friend.

I loved just hanging out with him. We rarely got to do that anymore. They were always either on tour or he was with Gabi or I was with John or they were working on something for the band or it was just at a party being held. It was nice to just hang out with him again.

After John got home, Kennedy stayed for only a little while longer. The three of us ate together and watched a little television before he left to go home to Gabi and Kota. There was a party that night that we were supposed to go, so we had said we'd see him there when we left. I wasn't up for a party though. I didn't feel like going out.

By the time it was time to get ready for the party, John stood up, asking me if I wanted to shower with him. I declined, which I knew upset him, but I just couldn't do that with him right yet. He walked off slowly, without even kissing me.

I felt bad instantly, as the door shut. Sighing, I stood from the couch and made my way into the bathroom. I quietly shut the door before slipping my clothes off soundlessly. My hand pushed the curtain aside, seeing John's back to me. I wrapped my arms around his back, making him slightly jump. My lips pressed against the skin on his back a couple times.

Finally John turned around, his hands touching my sides. I kissed his chest, kissing the multiple words from his tattoos. My arms snaked around his neck as I kissed his lips. John's mouth responded to mine after a second. His hands wrapped around my thighs, pulling me up and around his waist.

He pressed my back into the wall, his lips moving down to my neck. As he kissed my body, my body trembled. I felt like I was going to cry. John slid his body against mine, murmuring over and over again that he loved me. That was when I really thought I'd cry.

Despite everything John and I had been through, I knew we could get through this. I knew this would be just a minor rough patch in our relationship. We could make it because we loved each other more than life.

I was hoping that the water droplets from the shower would disguise my tears, but John knew better. He kissed my tears away before kissing my lips. I could taste the salt in the kiss.

"I'm so sorry," he whispered to me. "I never meant to hurt you, baby, I love you so much."

Our bodies worked together once he entered me. I continued to waver and tremble under his touch, not sure why I felt the way I felt with him. His kissed me again. His hips held me against the wall as one of his hands reached up to push my wet hair out of my face.

As we continued to share our bodies with each other, I couldn't help but feel like I did the right thing. I loved John. What we had was amazing. Our love was something I probably couldn't find again. It was worth it, all of it, just to be with him.

We ended up not going to the party. Instead, we dried ourselves off from the shower and went to bed. We made love the whole night, since I knew John had to leave the next afternoon to go back to his tour. We stayed wrapped in each other and I honestly wouldn't have wanted to be anywhere else.