My Heart Can't Tell You No

I woke up suddenly, wondering where I was and wishing the bright sunlight would go away so I could sleep in peace. In my just-waking state I barely registered shallow breathing next to me and the bare, muscular arm wrapped around me.

I groggily turned to face him, suddenly remembering everything. Kendall. I'd taken that first step, strode up to him and kissed him as he wrapped his arms around my waist and dug his fingertips in, run my fingers through his hair, pulled his shirt off, let my hands roam around that chiseled stomach, let him kiss me back, let him fist his hand in my hair... "Oh God," I whispered. "Oh crap." Yes, I loved the feeling of this more than anything, of sleeping beside someone, wrapped in his arms. But this was unacceptable. There's a difference in messing around, making out a little bit (okay, a lot) and falling asleep together in that innocent state, spooning, unconsciously cuddling... The first step in letting the heart get attached, that kind of closeness. If this was going to continue, falling asleep together could NOT become a habit...

I sat up, gently removing Kendall's arm so as not to wake him up and scooting out of the bed. I quietly made a beeline for the bathroom, suddenly feeling sick as everything hit me. What I was doing to him was unfair and he didn't deserved it; he deserved someone who could really love him, not just want what he could give physically, someone who would treat him like he deserved. His feelings for me were much deeper than solely lust, but here I was, toying with his heart, stomping it into the ground, all because I thought he was sexy. Something I swore I would never ever do to anyone. Especially not someone so sweet who also happened to be one of my best friends.

I knelt in front of the toilet as the bile rose. I hadn't eaten since yesterday evening, but I felt like I was about to puke up whatever little there was. I wanted him now more than ever, the freaking stupid tease, and that made me even more sick with myself.

I didn't care if he said he was fine with the fact that I would always be in love with his best friend and would never feel the same way about him. I wasn't fine with it. I wasn't fine with satisfying my purely physical wants and needs while stabbing him in the heart.

"What is this?" I asked angrily. James took my phone out of my hand, and his perfect face fell as he read the screen.

"I can explain," he said, handing the phone back as if it had burned him.

"I really don't want to hear it," I said, but we both knew I couldn't resist. I'd never really said it, but I was pretty sure he knew how much I really cared for him, how much I needed him, my drug. "But I'll give you three minutes."

"Look, it's nothing--"

"Wrong answer. Time's up." I turned around to walk away.

"Kier," James said desperately, using my nickname. He grabbed my arm, and I couldn't have fought against his brawn even if I'd wanted to. And I wanted to. But yet I didn't.

When he knew he had my undivided attention again he let go of my arm and tugged at his brown hair. "I should have told you."

"Ya think?" I retorted with as much sarcasm and venom as I could.

James sighed. "Halston is nothing to me, okay? She's a just friend."

I held out my phone. "Apparently not. At least, that's not the impression she's under. How many other 'friends' do you have all starry-eyed over you, huh? Is that all I am? Is that why you fed me all that crap about--"

"Listen!" he interrupted me, raising his voice. I couldn't remember a time that James had ever raised his voice at me, he was always so smooth, so collected. And that shocked me into frozenness, into not yelling back or walking away. "It's a publicity stunt." He was the picture of calm again. "Halston is going to be on this new Nick show, their 'next big thing', and since I'm already big..."

"I get it. I understand. Okay. I know how it works. But you know, communication before hand is always nice. But maybe this is best. Maybe I need time to think for the duration of your little publicity stunt relationship."

He placed his hands on my shoulders to keep me there because he knew I was about to walk away. "I still care about you.You're still the one I want to be with. You're probably right that now's not the best time, but once Nick is satisfied..." All business again.

I didn't say anything. I didn't have to. I believed every honey-dripped word. Then.

"Just... I need to think. I need some air."

"Sometimes you think and dwell on things too much," I heard him mumble. That really pissed me off. He was in the wrong. Not me.

That was when I first ran to Kendall's arms. Literally.

I really did need fresh air. I walked calmly out of the hall and when I made it to the den where James couldn't see me, I let my defenses go and started running to the back door.

I ran into someone. "Whoa," Kendall said, catching me in his strong arms."Where's the fire, Kieran?"

I didn't say anything. He looked at my pissed face, and he knew. "Damn," he murmured, running one hand through his now short blonde hair. I was only vaguely aware that his other muscular--and he was wearing a tank top of all things--arm was still around my waist.

He blew out a breath. "I'm assuming you found out about Halston. Shit." Kendall and his foul mouth. I was still furious at James, and now I looked, really looked at Kendall for the first time. His closeness was suddenly alarming, something foreign, and I wondered why I'd never noticed that he was actually super gorgeous; he was the absolute polar opposite of James, fair where James was tan, blonde where James was dark brunette, green eyes to James's sultry hazel. Kendall had just gotten really buff over this past year, and those muscles were certainly drool-worthy (not as much as James's, which are down right to die for, but still)--I could picture him shirtless, and I told myself not to go there, but I'm only human and a hormonal female at that, and I couldn't really help myself...

I also realized I'd just been comparing every single thing about him to James. He was not James. He was Kendall. He had the deepest, cutest dimples I'd ever seen, the swoon worthy kind, and eyes the most gorgeous shade of green I'd ever seen in my entire life...

GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, KIERAN!

"It's whatever," I said, twisting out of his grip.

"K," he said softly. He had always been the only person to ever call me just 'K', and I realized I kind of liked it, a lot more than 'Kier'. "It's not 'whatever'. It's okay to let yourself feel, you know." Funny, James had not 5 minutes ago accused me of the opposite, of feeling and dwelling too much. He wasn't fooled. I didn't know if Kendall really was or not, if he could see right through my tough facade and was just saying that to get me to actually open up. "I should have told you. I'm so, so sorry--"

"Oh, spare me, Kendall," I said, stepping around him to continue to my destination. I couldn't believe the thoughts I'd just had about him. I mean I could, but I was under emotional duress, that had to be it. This was Kendall, my best friend Kendall...

"I'm always here," he said quietly, but not to the point where I couldn't hear him. "If you ever need to talk or...anything."

I walked outside, hiding my face.

I dry-heaved. That memory would choose the most opportune moment to vividly surface when I already felt sick enough about my life. Always there, Kendall sure was.

There was a soft knock at the bathroom door. "Kieran?" Kendall's voice came through, muffled. The voice I would recognize even if I was dead. I dry-heaved even harder now, feeling more sick than ever, but nothing coming out. I reached over and turned on the shower-tub faucet so the sound of running water would drown everything. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, Kendall," I called back, a little shaky at best to my own ears, not offering anything else. My hand was still on the faucet, waiting for him to leave. He stayed by the door for what felt like forever--he was silent, but I could still sense his protective presence. "Really," I called finally. Again, I offered up no more information.

There was a shift; I didn't physically feel him by the door anymore. I knew he was gone.

I waited for a while until I heard the front door close, waited a little longer just in case, until I was sure he was finally truly gone. I drew in a breath. Deep down I was actually kind of hurt that he didn't try harder to draw me out like he normally would have. Maybe he sensed my uber uncooperative, stubborn mood.

I finally shut off the shower-tub. I got up off my knees. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror as I unlocked the door. I hated what I'd let myself become.

I stopped short in the doorway.

James was standing there, casually leaning against the hall entry that was directly in front of the bathroom doorway, facing me.

"We need to talk."