Gettysburg: Untold Stories

Still grumpy, I walked into the elevator with a humph and stood as far away from Zak as possible (which was in the corner). He basically scoffed at me and pressed the button to go to the floor we were supposed to be on. When the doors closed, I got completely claustrophobic and remembered why I normally took the stairs. Elevators just made me nervous, and freaking out wouldn't exactly help my "tough girl" act, but...I was scared. I hoped Zak didn't notice my breath getting harder to catch as we slowly went up.

"Are you alright?" I thought I was just hearing things, considering Zak was still turned around and it was mumbled, but it was definitely his voice; not exactly a worried tone, but I didn't want it to turn into one.

"Fine," I slowly managed to get out, and continued to try to catch my breath. It was easier if I closed my eyes, so when I opened them again and he was right in front of my face, I jumped and dropped my bags. "Jeesh, ever heard of personal space?" I muttered, and I almost laughed because it was just like me to crack a stupid joke while I was on the verge of a panic attack. Remembering that I was on the verge of breaking down made it harder to keep my control, and my hands began to shake lightly.

"Bambi, are you alright? Tell me the truth." Zak said a little more seriously, then grabbed my hands and moved them in front of his face to see them shaking a little more now (probably because I was nervous now that he was standing 3 inches in front of me). Dammit, I thought, I gotta get out of here. The elevator made a slight "ding" sound, and I let out a breath that I had been holding since he had grabbed my hands. Pulling my eyes from his and my hands away to grab my bags, I hurried out of the elevator door and ran down the hall to my room. While I was unlocking my door I didn't look back toward the elevator, and when I was inside the room, I slammed it and hoped he wouldn't come knocking and wondering what the hell had happened.

Silence. No knocking, nothing. I breathed a sigh of relief and slid my back down the door until I was sitting on the floor. I really hadn't intended for anyone to find out about my little "issue"--not even Nick knew. It was embarrassing, honestly, and I was scared of being ridiculed. I mean, how many girls are scared of fucking elevators? Not a lot, I'll assure you.

Moving my bags away from the door, I went into the bathroom and stood in front of the mirror. I put my hands on the counter, closed my eyes and put my head down, trying to clear my thoughts. I am alright. The elevator did not stop, collapse, or fall. I am as healthy as a horse Well, physically, anyway. Mentally, I was still pretty shaken up. I took a quick shower and went to lie in bed. There was a knock on the door, and I heard Nick's voice coming through, but I didn't answer. I didn't want to talk, and didn't feel the need to; I just needed to calm myself down and think.

"C'mon, Bambi, I know what happened. It's just me out here, Nick. I brought you some cookies...they're chocolate chip?" Damn, he knew I couldn't resist chocolate chip cookies. Okay, I know that sounds stupid, but they're delicious. I sat up and thought about it before answering.

"Leave them by the door." I heard him laugh and then there was silence. Maybe he had actually left them! I got up to check if he had left, but he was still standing out there. All smiley and cute and brotherly, holding up those cookies like he knew I was looking at him. He smiled widely, right into the peephole, and I knew that he knew I was looking through at him. That piece of...

"You're only gonna get 'em if I get to come in and talk to you. I know you need both the cookies and me. Okay, more the cookies than me, but..." I giggled quietly and unlocked the door to let him in. When he finally sauntered through the door with that cocky grin on his face, I almost pushed him back out, but instead I grabbed a cookie off the plate and sat on the middle of the bed, Indian style. He sat on the edge of the bed and let his feet hang off of the side. Though Nick and I were like siblings, we weren't touchy; that would just be weird.

"Okay, Bam, tell me what happened." He called me Bam because he knew I hated it, but I had gotten used to it. I shrugged because I honestly didn't know how to answer his question.

"I dunno. I've always been a little frightened by elevators," I straightened my legs out across the bed, "they just freak me out, maybe because they're so small and potentially hazardous. I didn't mean to do that in front of Zak, and now I feel like a dork because of it, and he probably just thinks I'm even more weird and--and..." I cut off because I had started to tear up. It wasn't because I had freaked out or because I was embarrassed; I just knew that Zak already thought of me as...well, different, and I had just added insult to injury by basically having a mini panic attack in front of him after we had just gotten into a major fight over nothing. When I realized how ridiculous my reason was for starting the argument, the tears that were stinging my eyes flowed over and ran down my cheeks.

"I'm sorry...Nick..." I started, trying to redeem myself with something, anything, that could make this seem rational, "I just...I know Zak hates me, okay?" Now that was something stupid to say, but sometimes my emotions got control over my mouth. My body started shaking with sobs, and I knew this wasn't just about the Zak situation. It was being away from my family for 2 years straight, and not being in a relationship for even longer, with no love and no affection and no self-appreciation. Then there was being around the guys all the time, and the dream...The dream? Oh shit, why was that upsetting me? For some weird reason, after the recurring thoughts of loneliness and unacceptance I saw that man's (or Zak's I guess) face, and the battle and all the turmoil that they both went through

Okay, I need to focus. Calm down. Nick probably thinks your psycho now, so you need to suck it up and try to explain things to him as best as you can. Nick had begun to look a little worried for me, but thankfully he knew that I was typically a strong person and hopefully he thought I was just breaking from a lot of pressure I had blown off. I took one deep breath and began trying to talk, though I would get little hiccups at weird places.

"I know that Zak doesn't exactly like me, or like having my company all the time. And it frustrates me because we're supposed to be on the same team, and I like him--as a friend--perfectly fine. I just got upset with him when he suddenly decided to give a care today. And it freaked me out because..." I couldn't spit the dream thing out, and I got some kind of gut feeling that I shouldn't tell. It was my business, and I should figure it out myself. Nick was starting to look at me as if I needed to finish my sentence, so I came up with something. "Because I'm used to him ignoring me and I don't want to get involved in something right now. I got freaked out that maybe he had a thing for me." That was a complete lie, but I was also known for being a good judge of character, so I threw in "I wasn't sure though" for Zak's sake. I didn't want Nick to start bombarding him with questions about his feelings for me.

Then I'd be digging my own grave and burying myself in humiliation.

"Okay, okay, I understand." Nick scooted toward me and rubbed small circles on my back while I took a bite of the cookie I had been holding. He pulled my eyes to his by pulling my chin up, and wiped all the tear tracks off of my cheeks. When he finished, I put my head on his shoulder and thanked the heavens for Nick. He always kept me level; he didn't have to say much, but when he did, it helped."I won't say anything to him other than that the elevator freaked you out a bit, okay?" Again, he knows me so well.

"Alright," I muttered, then got up to tell him thanks and goodnight. He hugged me and told me it would be okay again before waving and closing the door behind him. I went to lie down and cried a few silent tears before drifting off to sleep.



"Oh, Benjamin, why do you have to go?" My eyes were sad as I looked toward him, and he looked back at me as if he were afraid to tell me the truth. Grabbing my hand, he sat up in the bed, exposing his chest and making me shiver. I was honored to have married such a valiant, courageous man, but it wasn't bad to have a good partner in bed as well. I blocked that thought out when I realized it wasn't the right thing to be thinking of at the moment. I had all day tomorrow to reminisce about what had just happened between us. Right now it was only he and I and our feelings.

"I could not love thee dear, loved I not honor more." He always quoted poetry to me at times when it seemed he couldn't come up with the words himself. Ben had been raised in a good wealthy family, and had been learned well in poetry and literature. I, on the other hand, had taught myself in spare time how to read and write, choosing not to go to school over staying with my mother and helping to care for my 5 siblings. Benjamin was an only child, you see, and his parents devoted all of their time to him and his learning. When he was at home, he would read poetry to me at night before bed by candlelight, and I would sit and listen with my head on his chest until I fell asleep. My sweet Benjamin, always trying to impress me with his poetry knowledge. If only he knew I loved him no matter what he did...

"I just miss you when you go, is all..." I threw into the silence, sighing and putting my head on his chest. We had spent the whole day together, doing my daily chores in the morning and taking the second half of the day off to talk and reminisce on days when there was no war and no talk of surrender or loss. Of course, Benjamin was the courageous soldier that would never surrender before losing his life, and I was the paranoid housewife that prayed every day that he would come home safe and sound. Surely he was bound to be safe; God would never plague me with the loss of another man in my life.

"Don't miss me. Only think of when I will return, free and victorious. Darling," he tilted my head up so that I could look him in the eye, "you mustn't dwell on death and pain. Only love and brightness. Promise me you will only think of my return and not darkness."

"Yes, I promise..." I couldn't help but look at the candle instead of in his eyes because I knew I would not be able to avoid worrying about my poor husband's well-being...my dear Benjamin's life...



When I woke up, I felt tears on my face and couldn't help but wonder what all that was about. Nothing had freaked me out during the dream, but I had never had recurring dreams, much less ones that came even before we investigated. At least I had the day off and could sit around and decide what those dreams meant.

The knocking on my door knocked me out of my reverie.Who the fuck could that be?

I got up out of bed and ran my hand through my hair, because I was becoming a little nervous. What if this girl was channeling through me? What if it was a possession? Whatever, I didn't have time to think about this right now. When I got to the door, I pushed myself on tiptoe to see through the peephole and saw Zak's blue eyes staring at the numbers on the door. Fuuuck.