Downpour

I tapped my foot on the ground, impatiently. I was sitting by the vending machines, my brain going over the last conversation with Rain in my head. The doctor had pulled Tayden to the side to explain everything to him. Tayden had told me to stay sitting down, he’d just come talk to me after. Something about how doctors weren’t always friendly while breaking bad news. And knowing Tayden, he didn’t want it to stress me out any more than I already was.

Rain’s parents were on their way home. They happened to be away for the weekend. And of course it had to be this weekend that something of the sorts would happen. Tayden had explained he was her cousin, practically her brother, and the doctor nodded then ushered him away from us. Patrick was sitting across from me, his eyes staring at the wall. He was barely moving, he’d been sitting in the same exact position for a while now. I’d offered to get him something to snack on or drink, but he simply shook his head slowly side to side and continue to stare off.

I glanced towards Tayden and saw him shake hands with the doctor before looking back at me. He walked towards Rain’s room and I glanced back at Patrick. I watched as he picked at the end of the seat, probably not even noticing he was doing it. I watched his Adam’s apple bob up and down every time he swallowed. I watched him finally look away from the wall and his eyes met mine. We kind of just looked at each other for a few seconds before I looked down at my belly. I placed my hands on it, rubbing it slowly.

The thing I wanted most in the world right now was to hold my baby girl, and then to let my best friend hold her before her time was up. The seat next to me sunk in and I looked up, watching as Patrick slid into it. He leaned back and watched as the few people who came in sat down in the seat he had been occupying. He leaned forward, his elbows pressing into the skin just above his knees. As he ran a hand through his hair he looked at the floor and just paused in that position.

As I looked around at the mother and two children who had just walked in the room I heard him sniffle. I was long past crying by now, I was numb. But Patrick and Tayden? Neither of them had shed a tear. I know if you’re male and you cry, they say it makes you seem weak. But why is that? How is sheltering your feelings inside of you and not letting others know how you’re being affected by problems make you tougher than someone who does? To me, that’s weak. Shutting people out is weak, because it takes a lot of guts to be able to let someone in.

I placed my hand on his back, rubbing it slightly. He jerked up, almost crushing my hand between his back and the plastic of these horrible chairs. His eyes were red and there was a tear running down his face. “I fucking love her.” He mumbled to me, glancing at me through the corner of his eye. “I can’t lose her…” he said, wiping another tear. I nodded, fighting back tears of my own.

“Trust me. I understand.” He looked towards me, then behind me and rubbed his eyes again. He stood up and offered his hand, helping me up. I noticed Tayden standing at the corner of the wall by Rain’s door, looking at us. I couldn’t read what was on his face, his emotions were on lock down. He just gazed at us as if we were mindless shadows on the ground.

“She wants to see you.” He said to Patrick, and Patrick nodded before turning to me. “I think we should head home.” It was getting dark outside, and visiting hours were almost over. Rain’s parents wouldn’t make it in until late tonight so they were just going to come over whenever they got back. Hopefully the hospital would understand and let them see her before morning.

He gave me a quick hug before doing the same to Tayden. “I’ll see you guys tomorrow.” He said, and I nodded before sliding my fingers into Tayden’s. Tayden walked slowly with me down the hall towards the dimly lit exit sign above two doors.

We walked slowly across the parking lot, to where Tayden had parked the truck after he dropped Rain and I off at the Emergency entrance. We each slid into our respective sides, and when he turned the truck on the radio that none of us bothered to turn off on the way here blasted through the speakers. It was too much, and I flipped the radio off, oddly liking the complete silence. I couldn’t listen to anything at the moment, and when Tayden didn’t complain I knew he felt the same way.

As we drove down the highway I reached over and laced my fingers with Tayden again. We stayed that way until we pulled in the driveway and had to get out the truck. If it were nine months earlier I probably would have kept holding on and slid out on his side. But with my giant belly I doubt it would have been easy to fit between the steering wheel and the seat.

He unlocked the front door to our house and I walked in, kicking off my shoes and throwing my purse down on the ground. Tayden emptied his pockets before slipping his shoes off too. We both walked quietly to the kitchen. I pulled out some left overs and warmed them up for both of us even though I knew neither of us could eat at a time like this.

When it was bluntly obvious neither of us were touching our food Tayden got up suddenly, walking into the bathroom and slammed the door. I sat by the kitchen, my head in my hands, and felt something tickle my leg. I looked down and noticed Copper just standing there, not knowing what was going on, and probably hungry as hell.

I fixed his bowl with food and another with water then watched him eat his food until it was all gone. He moved onto his water bowl when I heard the bathroom door open then a popping sound. I got up quickly and walked in the hall, only to see my boyfriend on the ground with his head on his bent knees. A hole was visible directly across from the bathroom door, and at the sight of his hand it was obvious he’d punched it with everything in him. The anger, the hurt, the sadness. It’d all come out onto the wall. He wasn’t just crying, he was sobbing, and I bent down as best as I could to squeeze his shoulder.

“Tayden…” I trailed off as he started to rock himself back and forth like a little kid would do. His face was red, his eyes bloodshot. I’d never seen him so vulnerable in his entire life. “Tayden please stand up, this hurts my back.” I said, wrapping my fingers around his. He looked up and then did as I asked.

“She’s- She’s going to d-die Bay. And there’s nothing I can do about it.” He said, his eyes looking at the floor for what seemed like forever before flicking up to mine. I knew I was crying too at that point. His hands balled into fists until his knuckles were white.

“Tayd-“ I started, but was cut off as he punched the wall again. I grabbed his arm, squeezing it softly. “Calm down, please. You’re scaring me.” I whimpered.

He looked to me then placed his bleeding hands on each side of my face. He lowered his head and kissed me so softly on the lips I barely felt it. “I’m so sorry Baylin. I’m just so sorry. I love her so much it hurts to know that one day I won’t be able to tell her that anymore.” I nodded, lifting my hands to his unshaven face. His stubble prickled my hands as I rubbed my thumbs under both of his eyes, wiping away the tears that were there.

“I know Tayden. I love you.” I said before pulling his face down so I could give him a quick kiss on the forehead. “Take a shower, you might feel a bit more relaxed. Then come to bed, I know you’ve got to be tired.” He nodded, pulling me so close to him I could barely breathe. But I didn’t complain, being the slightest bit close to him made me feel a little better. And I knew that if we could work through this together, we could work through anything.
I opened my eyes slowly, feeling the bed shift as Tayden climbed in. He laid perfectly still after that, not bothering to turn and wrap his arm around me to my stomach like he normally did. I flipped over instead, curling up to him, and it was as if then was the first time he’d realized I’d been in the bed all this while.

His arm wrapped around me and he pulled me into him, and I found myself feeling more at ease just by his scent. I reached my arm up and played with part of his hair. I knew neither of us were going to get any sleep that night.

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I opened my eyes to the sun shining brightly in them, and just for those few moments I basked in the beauty of the morning. I watched the man I loved, which was what had actually woken me up, sneak around the room in search of something. I let my eyes dance over his partially naked body, taking in every ounce of skin he showed off. This man was the definition of perfection, even if he didn’t see that himself.

He turned to walk to the other side of the bed and caught my eye. He stood up straight. “Shit, I woke you up didn’t I?” I nodded slowly, not moving an inch. He walked to the bed and sat by my hip, his arm coming to my blanket covered shoulder. “I’m sorry. All my stuff is in random places now.” He laughed but it never reached his eyes or his face, it was more along the lines of just a scoff.

“Can’t find anything?” I asked, snuggling into my pillow deeper. If I could stay just like this forever I would, but I knew I had other things to do today. More important things, like go to the hospital.

He shook his head, “I was going to make us breakfast, you really need to eat so you can keep our baby healthy.” He ran his hand down my arm and looked at me sadly as I nodded to agree. “But I can’t find my jeans, any of them.” He looked down and a small smile came to my lips.

“That’s because they’re all in the laundry room. You washed them yesterday morning remember?” his eyes lit up and he kissed my cheek before walking towards my bedroom door.

“What would I do without you, Bay?” he said behind him. And as he walked out of my eyesight I made a wish. One that would hopefully come true. I wished he would never have to be without me like he’d have to be without Rain. I wished he could be with me until he was so fed up with me he was about to throw me off a bridge.

And as he walked past the open bedroom door again, his jeans hugging him nicely, I wished time would freeze. So that Rain could live forever, and neither Tayden, Patrick, Rain’s parents, or I would ever have to live without her. Because then, and only then, would my life be perfect.