Suicide Season

As the months went by the writting process was over and Oli had gone to Switzerland to record for three months. I had plenty of phone calls to start with but tehy began to become few and I'd have to buy a magazine if they were in it just to see his face. There were plenty of ways he could contackt me and we skyped when ever it was possible. In the end we put not being able to get ahold of each other to being busy with stuff for work. My work was involved in a lot of charity work and a big resedual and plan movement so I was always too busy to pick up my phone, every time I rang him back he wouldn't pick up either. I began spending most of my time in the house on my own watching old home videos and ready old letters and text messages. I became very selfconcious and felt like i was loosing him already. He wouldn't do anything too hurt me and I wouldn't do anything to hurt him either. I was still in love with him. I cried one night on the phone to him, saying I missed him that I wanted him home, he told me they had three shows to do in europe now they had finished recording and then he'd be home. That he loved me and would always love me.
After a week he came home and snuck into bed next to me. His smell was so familiar and i cried when he hugged me and i felt his lean body against me. I hugged him closer, hoping to keep him the forever. He was home for a few days before he left for the second part of recording and was doing a week of shows before the few days he had left with me. Oli was so excited and I was excited for him I just didn't want to go back to feeling sad all the time again. I didn't want that depression again. I was left alone again during the week of dates they had in the UK.
I was at Work when Oli came home and Alex had left a magazine on the desk. It was a unknown magazine to me, must be new. I sighed. There was a postit on the front "TURN TO PAGE 16, I'M SORRY, ALY B xx" I flipped to those pages and instantly looked confewsed why would she be on their bus and why would she be sat like that. Why was this happening. Nothing could have gone on or Olii would have rang me and it would have been over. My head screamed this is the last straw and my heart screamed- you know he would't go back there. I walked home with the hidden magazine and welcomed him home with open arms. Although the magazine was always on my mind. By the end of the week there was hardly any conversation between me and Oli and that hurt. He was always out or I was meeting Tom to discuss the magazine.
A week later it was the day before Oli left to go to Switzerland again and I was sat at the table with Tom again with the two week old magazine in front of me. As much as his brother debated it, teh magazine said otherwise.
"He's friends with her brother still, Robyn. I think you're blowing this out of proportion." Tom debated trying to make me rethink what I'd just said to him. Trying to make me realise how unrational I was being, but he was there through all the paranoier, all the heartache, all the worrying. He'd basically seen me become someone I had never been at the fact Oli didn't contact me. I scanned the magazine again and the photo of the band on their recent UK tour that I should have been on with Oli but I had work committments. SJ was sat on his lap, his arms around her waist and that stupid fucking pout on his lips.
"I'm not fucking taking this shit no more Tom. I fucking love your brother don't get me wrong but jesus I'm not being made a mockery of and I'm deffinitly not becoming someone who just waits. I've never been that person before in my life and I'm not going to start now!" I yelled my welsh accent escalating to its peak the angrier I got.
After nearly two hours of Tom trying to make me think this through I had already decided this was the end. I walked into the appartment my heart beging my brain to change its mind this would be harder to do and deal with once I saw him. I closed the door and could hear his sweet voice singing along to Sam's voice on the new Architects CD we had.
"Oli where are you?" I called
"In our room baby. Packing my stuff." I petted Oscar at the door.
"Sorry boy." I had tears in my eyes and the magazine firmly pressed to the page of him and SJ.
Here we go, I thought. I stepped into the bedroomand he kissed me, I held my hand to his jaw and neck, I hardly kissed back. I'd miss those lips, these moments.
"Baby, you seem distant, that's not good, what do you have in your other han-?" he took teh magazine off me. I started crying, "Shit babe, it isn't what you think. I can totally and honestly tell you what happened."
"We need to talk." I sat on our bed, looking away from him, on top of his clothes in his suitcase was a tiny set of photos of us, he cared enough. This was going to hurt him and ruine me.
He sat on the bed and threw the magazine in the bin. He held his head in his hands and shook it. The way his back moved was a tell tail sighn he was crying.
"I love you." I whispered, we hadn't said it in a long time. It needed to be said. I began to cry properly too.
"Then why are you doing this? Is it because I was distant? Did I do something wrong? Me and SJ? We're friends that's it. If the magazine said otherwise it's a lie. I love you! I'm sorry I was distant, don't break this off. I can't do this without you Robyn! I want you forever, No-one will ever live up to you." He was on his knees, holding onto my hands, crying into my knees, begging me to stay here and wait for him, a faint hope glitered in our eyes before it fizzled out of my head.
"I love you too, but I'm not doing this because of you. I'm doing it because of me."
"I don't understand." he shook.
"My heart knows you would never hurt me. The way i've been allowed to sit and think and wait has ruined me. I'm fragile, sensitive and insecure, I can't pin that on you at such an important time in your career. Oliver Scott Sykes, no-one will ever replace you in my heart, but I need time to myself to regain the self respect, confidence and downright Robyn-ness about me. I love you so much, but I need to leave, I'm soo sorry Oli." I rested my head against his and bawled my eyes out.

I kissed his forehead, grabbed my bag and ran out of the appartment suffocating on my own heartache. I ran past Jonah and the guys who were going up for a drink before they left. I ran a whole mile to Tom's flat and collapsed at his door. This was it, I'd done it, I'd broken the things I loved most in life. Me, Oli and our relationship. I probably wouldn't be welcome in the Sykes family anymore, I just cried until I fell asleep.
I woke in the morning on Tom's t-shirted chest. When he registered I was awake he stroked my hair. Didn't say anything just stroked my long black hair.
"I'm sorry." It felt liek all I did at the moment was appologise.
"You can stay. We'll find you and appartment and get your stuff from his while he's gone. Don't ever think you'll be excluded from this family. You're a big oart of it and have been for almost three years. We love you."
I hugged my best friend tighter.
"You're welcome." he hugged mem just as tight as I began to cry again. I was counting my blessings.