Kiss the Lips Of Evil

I’m such a slut. I can’t believe this shit. I was curled up in my bunk wrapped in this black blanket my Mom bought me for my last birthday. I had gotten Ash in trouble, then to top it all off I kissed Ben. I was willing to have sex with Ben last night, but then Ash showed up. If Ash hadn’t showed up I would have had sex with Ben. I would have woken up on his tour bus, in his arms, not on our tour bus and in Ash’s arms. He probably would have kicked me off in the middle of nowhere.
Why did I want that? Why do I want Ben? Why can’t I have him? Because I’m with Ash, that’s why. I’m in a relationship with Ashley and I can’t help that. I don’t want to cheat on him again. I can’t bring myself to cheat on him again, but why did I want to kiss Ben? What’s wrong with me?
I turned on my back and looked at the ceiling of my bunk. There was a little DVD player attached to it that I hadn’t used in forever. I pushed the button to open it and Sweeny Todd was stuck in there. I closed the cover and hit play. The movie started and I already wasn’t paying any attention to it. I couldn’t help but fantasize about what my life would be like if I was in Sweeny’s position, happily married to Ashley with a baby. That’s what I wanted. To marry Ashley and then have a family after I’m done with the whole rock scene.
As the movie progressed, so did my thoughts. Someone steps in and falls in love with Ashley and I get torn away from him tragically. Years of waiting will make me a bitter man and I come back to my ‘home’ just to find that Ashley is dead, our child is gone and I’m stuck with Ben. A man I don’t really want, but am willing to settle for (who is a widow because Danny died). We go on living this elaborate lie and then towards the end I find out that Ashley didn’t die and I’ve killed him on accident and I did all this crap with Ben that I can’t take back so I kill him. Then some little asshole kid comes and slits my throat.
By the time the credits were rolling I was already curled up in a ball, rocking back and forth crying. I pulled out my cell phone and brought up the text messaging window. I sent a text out to Ash:

‘Come get in my bunk.’

A couple minutes later I heard him pull open my curtain and climb in, wrapping his arms around me. I turned to face him and wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him close to me. I never wanted to let him go. I don’t want our lives to end up like in Sweeny Todd.
“What’s the matter baby?” he asked when he saw all the tears.
“Nothing, I was just watching Sweeny Todd.” I wiped my face and wrapped my arms around him again. “Ashley, I love you so much.” I mumbled into his shoulder. I had to tell him. I knew how much it would hurt not just him, but me too.
“I love you too Baby. More than life itself.” He pulled my hips closer to him and started to rub my back.
“Baby, I know that you’re going to be mad at me, but there’s something I have to tell you.”
“What is it?” He asked stopping his hand from moving.
“Last night, before you showed up, when I was with Ben, I uh…” I trailed off hoping that he wouldn’t make me say it. I didn’t want to tell Ash anymore, I didn’t want to hurt him.
“What did you do Andy?” He asked looking at me. His eyes were cold; he looked like he was already in pain. Please don’t make me hurt him. He’s my Outlaw. My Ashley, after having this really big crush on him for so long I finally got what I wanted and now I’m about to screw everything up.
“Please think rationally before you do anything Ash, but last night Ben kissed me. I know it was wrong and I’m sorry and I didn’t want to do it, but I-“ I stopped myself. Ash looked hurt and it was all my fault. “I’m sorry.” I whispered. He had already let me go and was pulling away from me.
“No, I’m sorry. Sorry that I trusted you.” He started getting up, but I grabbed his arm.
“Ashley please, forgive me. I promise you that nothing else like this will happen again. Just please forgive me.” I was already crying. Ash pulled his arm out of my grip.
“I’ll think about it.” He walked off.
I put this on myself. He’s going to leave me, I know it. I didn’t want to lose him, after it took this long to get him. I really don’t want him to leave me. The tears fell on their own silently with the occasional whimper and sniffle escaping me. The thought of Ash leaving was enough to make me do drastic things. Already I was clawing at my arm, wishing I had a razor of some kind to tear open my skin. I wanted to cause myself the same kind of pain that I cause Ashley, but I knew I probably couldn’t.

It was hours until I worked up the courage to leave my bunk. I walked to the front room. Ashley and Jake were asleep on the couch, Jinxx was reading a book at the table and CC was nowhere to be seen. I sat at the table across from Jinxx. He put his book down and looked up at me.
“Hey bright eyes, haven’t seen you since yesterday. Are you just now getting up?” he asked smiling at me.
“No Jinxxy, I woke up earlier this morning with Ashley, you were still asleep. I’ve just been in my bunk watching movies and stuff.”
“Hmm. You were drunk off your ass last night too. What happened to you? Ben came back without you last night.” I felt a wave of heat wash over me.
“Nothing; I got on the bus and went to bed.” I felt bad about lying to Jinxx like this, but I had to. I wanted to tell him everything, that Ash and I hooked up and that we spend an amazing night with each other, but I didn’t know whether or not Ash and I would still be a couple when he woke up.
Jinxx grabbed at my arm and rolled it over. “Andy, please tell me this isn’t self inflicted.” He said with a sad tone in his voice. I didn’t realize how bad it actually was. Red lines down the length of my forearms standing out against my pale skin, some of them bleeding.
“No. I don’t know when that happened.” I lied again. I didn’t like lying.
“It’s OK. I’ll go get the first aid kit.” He got up and disappeared into the bunk room.
While Jinxx was gone I looked over at Ashley on the couch, leaning on Jake’s shoulder asleep with Jake resting his head on top of him. I was jealous of Jake. I didn’t want him to touch Ashley. Ashley was mine, or so I think foe now.
“I love you you know.” Ashley said. He leaned up off of Jake and looked at me.
“What?” I asked when he stood up.
“You heard me right.” He got up and went into the bunk room, probably to continue his nap. What did he mean by that? I was feeling really confused.