I Wish I Could Float Away.

I'm Alex Gaskarth, homewreaker.

No, I'm not that, am I?

Yes. Yes, I am.

I'm the reason my brother is dead, the reason why my family as torn apart. It's all my fucking fault, everything has been. Maybe that's how I ended up here, alone, with no one but my thoughts. Of course I had Sierra, but she wasn't ever here when I needed her, she is always with Taylor Fucking Jardine. That girl has something against me, not like everyone I know hasn't already. I should just kill myself.

"Stop it Alex, you're just pulling yourself down further," I tell myself, but nothing seems to work these days, not even the medicine they give me can keep me from self harm. It's the only way I feel anything these days, my emotions must have short circuited a while back.

I run a hand over my arm, feeling for the gentle bumps in my once smooth skin. The scars jutted out in neat rows over my arms, and I had no fear of creating new ones. The blood from my more recent cuts still stained my bed sheets, ruining the perfect white fabric. Sierra is going to be mad at me, again, she always was when I would just sit in my own blood and filth, she gets madder when she realizes that I have new cuts bleeding all over my body, unclean and at the risk of becoming infected.

I hear a familiar voice call out to me, "Alex, Alex," they call but I don't respond. I stay still in my bed, wallowing in self-pity.

"Alexander William Gaskarth, open this fucking door, now," the voice demands from just outside my door. I don't respond again.

Why should I? They don't want to help me, Thomas was the only one who had a chance, but his chance left when he decided to kick the bucket. He never thought about me, I was the one who had manic depression, not him, so why the fuck did he have to leave me to fight it on my own? Huh? It's not fair.

I hear footsteps. They're leaving me, the faint echo of the door opening and closing shudders my bedroom walls. I shiver, I wish I had opened my door now. I just want someone to tell me it is alright, even if I don't believe it, it might help me get through the day.

It is then that I hear the front door open again, the same footsteps making their way to my door. I hunch over in my bed, cradling my frail body, my thin frame was unnatural. My bones poked out at every angle, I was a hideous sight. I'm not bulimic, I just can't sand eating anymore, it makes me feel sick. Sierra manages to force the occasional fast food meal down my throat successfully a few times a week, but she barely ever succeeds anymore. I'm wasting away, even I can see that, but I don't want to change anything. I deserve this.

"Alex, open the door before I get it knocked down. Then you wont be able to hide from me anymore," I made a whining noise from annoyance, couldn't they just leave me alone? "C'mon, Alex, you need to eat, I know don't want to.." The voice stopped, and I heard the other just outside make a tiny sob. Were they really upset, over me not eating? No, it was fake, "just open the door Alex, please," They said after a few seconds, their voice had become frail, it wasn't fake. It just wasn't over me.

I crawled over my bed, bringing my bed sheets around my shoulders so they wouldn't see my fresh cuts, and opened the door hesitantly, as if expecting a monster was going to claw their way through a tiny crack and manage to tear apart my structure.

That's when I saw her face, Sierras face, she was crying heavily. I'd never seen her like this. It wasn't the Sierra I knew. Sierra was so bubbly and happy, why was she crying? Maybe Tay broke up with her, yeah, that's it. Tay was a heartless kind, she never thought about anyone except herself. I managed to croak "Sierra," out to the girl, and she looked up at me, her eyes already swelling from crying, "Sierra," I repeated, more powerfully, and she wrapped her arms around me. For some reason, I felt like everything was going to be okay for a few seconds, but the feeling was never to last.