Forsaken Dreams

I tried to breathe, but my lungs constricted as if the breath had been knocked out of me. Cold wind buffeted and ripped several strands of hair onto my face. The chill seeped through my pullover and into my bones.

Slowly, the sun inched below the horizon, as I ran past each tree, each house with my scuffed up, wrecked converse. Now I needed all my energy, all my resolve, to quell the sobs threatening to wrack my entire body. My heart wrenched and anger roared in my ears.

I miss you mom. Dad. My friends. Even my stillborn baby brother, who I stopped grieving for years ago. I cried for each person, all differently. Daddy was supposed to be here, protecting me. Mama was supposed to be here hugging me close. My friends are supposed to be here making me laugh and smile. I could never love the world as much as I used to. There’s just no way.

I want to stop trying. To fail. To die. It was too much. My hair is in my face. I couldn't see. My sobs shaking my whole body. I couldn't breath.

I need to stop now. I need to let go. I need to be free.

Instead, I just took in all my surroundings with unseeing eyes feeling cold and empty. Walls I built up became my home. I was used to this feeling, not knowing how to fix this situation or the apocalypse, the emptiness of death, and what to even do with my life now.

A small part of me cringed. Maybe I didn't want to know. Maybe I was better off in the dark, believing now that this is how it was supposed to be. Just maybe, this life doesn’t matter anymore.

No. My anger swelled, blocking the pain, the uncertainty. No one was better off in the dark. Hadn't I learned that when my mother Returned? Hadn't I seen it again when she died? Her death cheated me, and possibly everyone else I ever knew.

I cant just give up. Even though everything is gone now, and that my life isn’t the same anymore. Its still a life. A surviving one.

Its raining now which means I get to slow down. My scent is masked by the rain, the Undead cant detect me now. Although a few do look up but they don’t come after me. Without my scent, they cant tell if I’m food or not anymore. So they just stare curiously.

I however, love this part. The weather. The only thing that stayed the same after the apocalypse. The only thing that keeps me sane. Which makes me feel normal again.

My long blonde hair starts to darken a shade. I can feel it sticking to my face from the water that keeps falling from the sky. My fingertips start to get cold, my whole body starts to feel numb, and soon, I couldn’t feel anything anymore.

Not even the guilt, sorrow, pain, and loss that always stayed right below the surface of my skin.

It felt good.

I smiled. Teeth showing. Tears flowing.

I stop speed walking. I stop and stand. I look at the sky, my face getting more and more wet than it was the second before. Still smiling, I open my arms wide and spin.

Twirling, twirling, twirling, fall.

I lay on the hard, cold cement of a road. Limbs stretched out which shaped like a star. My real smile plastered on my face like a porcelain doll.

No more holding back now. Live freely. Not in fear.