Alone.

The sun beamed down on my face. It seemed poignant that the sun was out in all its glory on the day I was going to my first day of high school. Humming to myself, I tried to gather my confidence together, the only thing I lacked. Thinking about everything unsettled me. I swallowed down an anxiety attack and concentrated on making it through the day. I held my locket and counted to fourteen as I waited for the set of traffic lights to change. I reached my destination all too soon.

Wrapped up in my own thoughts. I hadn’t realized how fast I had been walking. Taking a deep breath, I walked through the students gathering in front of the building, obviously waiting for their friends and screeching whenever they saw them, as I walked up the stairs leading straight to the double doors. Adrenalin buzzed through my veins, not even sure what I was feeling but knowing fear and nervousness was among them.

I wasn’t sure how I felt about anything anymore, to be quite honest. I knew I was going to a new school, a place with new people, better yet, people who didn’t know my past. A place with new teachers who didn’t hate my guts, and a place with a new beginning. It felt nice, which was the only thing that calmed my nerves, along with my necklace; my locket that was too expensive for someone like me to possess. It was the only thing I had growing up. A locket that cannot be opened. I tried, believe me. I always wondered what was inside. Maybe I will never know. If it caused pain and sorrow, maybe it was for the best. For now, I will wear it, hiding beneath my clothing, protecting me. All of this clearly personal, finally realizing so and pushed away those thoughts.

I lived my life full of secrets, hate, sadness, but most of all, regret. I regret everything. I regret getting up in the morning and going to sleep at night. I regret seeing my reflection and feeling the way I do. My self-loathed emotions. I regret living, talking, and who I am. I regret smiling when I should have frowned. If I could go back and change it all I would do it in an instant.Sometimes I regret things I haven’t don’t yet, in anticipation of my future failures. I am such a failure, such a freak.“Hey, it’s Mattie, right?” Somebody whispers from behind me, poking me with a pencil. I wince realizing it was the lead end of a pencil.

“Oh, I’m so sorry!”

It’s science class. So far, school beats spending the day at home.

“Um,” I stutter, turning around in my seat to face this person who poked and obviously hurt me. That’s okay. I’ve been hurt much worse than this.

It’s a boy. His black hair straight. Like a mix of surfer and emo looking hair. His soft grey eyes stared back at me, bright and happy. He looked big, tall, strong, and reliable.

“Close, it’s Mathai.” I say.

“Mat what?”

I sigh and take a big breath. “Mat. (Pause) hi.”

“Oh sorry,” he whispers, blushing.

“Can I help you?”

“Yeah. You look smart,” he says.

I want to laugh at him. And I almost do but stop myself too soon. How dare he. He barely knows me. Why would he judge me so quickly, just like that? Most importantly, I looked smart? I was wearing dirty clothes. My hair was tousled, but still kept. My once lively brown eyes, utterly sad now. I couldn’t possibly look smart.

I was okay at science, I understood it, but I never memorized it. Without understanding, memorizing just disappears and gets put away until the next year of school. I liked it to some extent. Chemistry wasn’t my strong point though because it involved math and I hated math.

“I need some help, I don’t understand how to balance a chemical equation.”

Funny enough, that’s how my relationship with Dylan Hannigan started. I’m not sure if it was my stupidity for the question he asked, like I said I wasn’t as good in chemistry as I was to psychics and biology, or if it was our total opposite personalities that attracted us together. But nonetheless, it happened tremendously fast. We clicked immediately. He was outgoing, I was shy. He was talkative, I was quiet. He liked loud techno music, I liked silence. He liked indoors, I loved outdoors. He was rich, I was extremely broke. We were nothing alike, but got along perfectly.

Almost everyday at lunch, me and him would sit together. We would eat our lunches (if I had one) and talk. Just talk. That was it. Then the next day, he would be with his other friends. I couldn’t help but miss him and our bizarre conversations when he was away. In the meantime, I would sit alone, by myself.Sometimes he would wave as he walked past with his friends, but he only did so when his friends were distracted and not looking. The rest of the school year went like so. Nothing exciting. That was my life. But it was still something to do, something better than … home.

All too soon, summer was finally here. I passed, barely, all my classes, which by the way was a breather. June 23rd… Am I happy? Should I? No school. No more waking up early. No more classes. As for Dylan, we were friends, but we weren’t close as you would say. I had nothing to do that summer so I spent it with myself.