Fight for Something

I was lucky to be here, I knew, but some part of me thought it was a bad idea.
Did homeless girls go to concerts? No. Then why had I come? People had looked at me funny as I smiled and sang along, dressed in ragged worn out clothes.
As I stood, keeping to my awkward self at the smoke pit with no jacket and only a half dog that I smoked to the filter.
It wasn’t right. A 19 year old girl should be at a concert with all her friends in a huge group. She should buy all the merch she can and get drunk as fuck down on the floor and just have an amazing time with her friends.
Instead, I was only here for the music. The music that kept me going.
Three weeks ago, my drunken father kicked me out. I had been living with him and my thirteen year old brother – mom passed away giving birth to him. Mom’s death turned dad to drinking. And eventually had me looking for a way out.
Weed, booze, and cigarettes. Dad never cared. I’d come home high at least three times a week and he’d buy me munchies. He’d boot for me. He’d buy me smokes. He was to drunk to even comprehend I wasn’t nearly old enough for that stuff until I actually was.
My nineteenth birthday he kicked me out. Said I was out of control and my little brother was catching on. Trevor – my brother – had started smoking apparently. And Dad blamed me. He said I was a bad influence and kicked me out. Said never to come back. Yeah, like I’d ever go back there.
Lucky for me, three weeks prior to my birthday, Dad had given me my gift. Two tickets to see my favourite band live in concert. Marianas flippin’ Trench. I had never seen them life before, but I always loved them.
I sold the other ticket for money to keep me going till the concert, and I planned to commit suicide right after.
This moment was right after the concert. I still hadn’t decided how I wished today, so I thought I’d think it over. I managed to shove past my awkward and stutter out asking some random guy to bum a smoke.
I leaned on the wall at the back of the venue. No jacket, hair greasy with ripped up clothes, I probably looked like a bad prostitute.
I hadn’t eaten in a week. Hadn’t showered in two. And I was freezing without a jacket. I rubbed my arms and looked around for some inspiration on death.
“Aren’t you cold?” A voice asked me.
I was shocked. Josh Ramsay stood in front of me. He looked tired, but genuinely concerned about my wellbeing.
“Doesn’t matter.” I mumbled and took a drag of my smoke. I was nervous, talking to him. So I did my turtle thing. I awkwardly retreated into my shell.
“Of course it matters, you could catch a cold or something.” Josh laughed. “Here.” He peeled off the leather jacket he was wearing over another sweater. I could understand that, it was about -5 outside in this ‘wonderful’ Albertan town. Not.
“T-thanks…” I took his jacket and put it on. What the fuck? What was an attractive man doing talking to me? I was disgustingly ugly and greasy and I looked like a skeleton. What man would talk to me?
“I’m Josh.” He introduced himself. I nodded in reply and took another drag of my smoke. “What’s your name?” He asked me.
“Ayrianna.” I mumbled out. I took another drag for good measures.
“Those things will kill you, Ayrianna.” Josh told me.
“Your one to talk.” I didn’t mean for it to be a joke, but Josh laughed.
“True.” Josh smiled at me. I tried to smile back, but my face just didn’t know how to display emotion anymore. “Hey, chin up.” Josh smiled at me. “Life gets better.”
“So you say.” I mumbled. “You don’t even know me.”
“No. I don’t. But I saw you in the crowd tonight and thought to myself ‘that girl down there…we’re all she’s got.’”
I looked into Josh’s eyes. “How the hell could you tell that from just looking at me?” I asked him.
“The look on your face. The way you carry yourself. The scars on your wrists.” He emphasised the last.
I looked back down at the ground. “I’ve got nothing to live for anymore, so why should I live?” I whispered.
“Because people care.” Josh said like it was the simplest thing ever.
“’If we are born to die and we all die to live then what’s the point of living life if it just contradicts.’” I quoted.
“Because you’ve got someone, somewhere that really does care about you.” Josh cupped my chin and forced me to look at him. “How old are you, 20?”
“19.”
“You’re only 19, you’ve got so much left ahead of you.” Josh told me. “Don’t you throw that away Ayrianna.”
“My dad threw me out. My mom is dead. My brother is becoming just like me. I’m too shy for friends. I’ve been living on the streets and I’m disgustingly ugly. There is nothing left ahead of me.” I told him and stepped away. “So why do I keep living?” I asked both him and myself. “Am I looking for some miracle to come along? Did I think, that maybe I’d come to this concert and you or one of the other guys would like, fall in love with me from the stage or some fairy tale shit?” I laughed at myself, because I knew deep down that’s what I was hoping would happen when I came here. “Nothing amazing ever happens to me because I’m not amazing.”
I turned on my heel and walked into the dark streets. I was still wearing Josh’s jacket, I really didn’t care. It smelled good. Like a mixture of smoke, and sweat, but somehow the way they mixed together made me feel lightheaded.
My last smoke was long gone, and I already wanted another one. “God dammit.” I sighed and sat down on the curb I now stood at. What was my life anymore? Why was I even alive right now?
Getting hit by a truck…that would take me out, wouldn’t it? Like a big ass semi straight on. For sure, I’d die. I’d probably suffer to; that’s what I deserved right now.
Semi’s often took this route to get to they’re semi club house or wherever they went. I’d just have to wait for one to come around, and run in front of it. Catch the driver by surprise. Maybe he wouldn’t even see me.
Headlights came into view. This is it. I thought to myself. I stood. I was going to die in ripped sweat pants and Josh Ramsay’s jacket. Great. Doubt Josh would want this back now.
I took a deep breath and placed my right foot on the ground. Three steps to death, and I’d make them when the truck was almost here. I didn’t want the driver to be able to stop or even slow down.
“I’m sorry.” I uttered my last words. And took another step.
“Don’t you dare!” A voice screamed. The air left my lungs as someone grabbed me around my waist and pulled me back on the sidewalk just in time for the truck to zip past, honking loudly.
I didn’t even think as the person who had grabbed me pinned me to the ground. “What the fuck!” I screamed and started beating at the now obviously male body. “Let me go! Let me go!” I screamed.
“Ayrianna!” The voice yelled at me, now pinning down my arms and legs with his own body. “Stop it!” He yelled.
I opened my eyes to see Josh on top of me. Holy mother of god. Was all my mind could register. What was going on right now?
“Thank you.” Josh whispered. “If I let you go…do you promise not to do anything like that anymore?” I nodded. Josh slowly released me, and then sat on the ground beside me. “What was that all about?” He asked me as I sat up myself.
“I don’t want to live anymore.” I told him straight up. “I just want to die. Like I said, nothing amazing ever happens to me, so why bother waiting?”
“Because maybe nothing amazing will happen to you, but that’s part of life. You’ll find someone you love and it’ll be okay. Depression is just something you’ll have to learn to deal with.”
“I don’t think I can.” I tear fell from my eye. “I dream too much and my dreams never come true. I’m not pretty enough for people.”
“Ayrianna, you’re beautiful.” Josh told me, whipping the tear from my face.
I decided to change the subject. “Why are you here?” I asked. “Did you follow me over here?”
“I have to answers to that.” Josh said. “My reason and the reason that convinced my reason to act.”
“Oh yes, that makes sense.” I said sarcastically. Josh and I laughed in unison.
“Just let me finish. The reason that convinced my reason: You have my jacket.” Josh pointed out.
“I realized that. I really didn’t care.” I smiled genuinely for the first time in months as I looked up at Josh. I felt comfortable around him I’d know him for ten minutes and already he’d seen me at my worst.
I wished he wasn’t ten years older than me. I knew I liked him. Like, really liked him. Before it was just a celebrity crush, like everyone has. Now it was legitimate. I knew him now. As a person not just Josh Ramsay.
But my wishing was stupid. He would leave tomorrow and I’d never see him again. To him I was just another fan. I would never mean anything more to him.
“My second reason.” Josh cut off my thoughts. “Ayrianna theres just something…about you…the second I saw you in the crowd with that big smile on your face, looking up at me like I was the only person you saw in that huge crowd…I couldn’t get you out of my head. I was singing to you that whole night. And then, when you were standing outside…I knew I had to talk to you.” Josh shook his head. “it sounds idiotic, I know…and when you ran off, I couldn’t just let you out of my life so soon as when you came in.” He laughed at himself. “Like you’d ever think that way about me.”
Holy sweet shit. This wasn’t right. It’s like I was in my dreams. I had to be dreaming. I was still at home, sleeping in my warm bed with my little brother in the next room. None of this happened.
I pinched my arm. “Fuck.” I said when I didn’t wake up. I tried again, this time pinching so hard it drew blood.
“Ayrianna, what the fuck are you doing?” Josh asked, taking hold of my wrists so I couldn’t do that again.
“Trying to wake up what does it look like!?”
“You’re awake.” Josh said to me. Looking straight into my eyes, I looked back at his. Was this really happening?
“Great.” I feel back, another thought hitting me. “My celebrity crush dreams come true and guess what? He has to leave tomorrow. And I’m right back to where I started from.” I lay back down on the pavement.
“…that puts a downer on things doesn’t it?” Josh said thoughtfully.
“Ya think?” I replied sarcastically. Josh lay down on his back beside me.
“You could come with me.” He turned his head to smile at me. I just stared up at the stars, thinking.
It would solve a lot of my problems.
“Where would I stay…like, when your tour is over?” I asked, still staring up at the countless stars.
“With me, of course.”
“What would I do to earn my keep on tour?” I asked.
“Merch monkey.” Josh laughed. “We’ve never had our own personal merch salesman.”
“Saleswoman.” I corrected him, smiling.
“So you’ll come!?” Josh sat up quickly.
“Of course.” I sat up beside him. “I need out of this town. I need some brightness in my dark life…maybe you’re it…” I smiled at him.
Josh took my face in his hands and kissed me. I felt like I was flying. My dream was coming true. My most ridiculous dream was coming true from before my eyes.
“Were you really thinking of me on stage tonight?” I asked him.
“Yes. I didn’t even know your name and I was. I kept looking back at you in the crowd so I didn’t lose you.”
I laughed. “What?” Josh asked.
“I noticed that. I thought I was going crazy.”
“Crazy is good.” Josh kissed me again.
This was it. Twenty minutes and I had myself a celebrity boyfriend and a new outlook on life.
Maybe they were right…maybe life really does get better.