Like The Brightest Star, You Shine Through

After I close the curtain in the front window, I hurry over to the couch to lay down on it and keep a low profile. I don’t want to talk to Ronnie right now. It’s nothing personal, of course. I mean, I’ve grown to love him. Like, really love him. That’s why I can’t talk to or see him anymore. I can’t date him because he’ll eventually find out I’m not the girl I want to be, and then he’ll leave and tell every one of his friends, then I’ll be the laughing stock of the school. Again.

What a freak. Is he confused? He’s such a queer. Dyke. Faggot.

I frown to myself and I start to tear up slightly at the memory of all the names I was called, and all the bullying I lived through at my old school before we moved here. The ruined me there. They broke me, they tore me down. Since that day, I’ve never told anyone outside my family about my secret. I thought I could trust my best friend, but she was as untrustworthy as all those all high school skanks that gossip for fun. She ruined my life.

The harsh words and the cruel actions have been haunting me since, and leading me to live in fear. I’d rather live in cautious fear though, rather than being bullied regularly just because I want to trust someone with my secret. Besides, no one needs to know, anyway. The only people who need to know are my family, until my surgery a few years from now. I’m okay with living like a friendless loser until then, if it means coming home without bruises and broken bones, like I did every day at my old school.

I squeeze my eyes shut when I hear banging on the door, and I swallow the lump in my throat as I feel myself shake on top of the couch. The banging continues for minutes and minutes, and I know Ronnie doesn’t plan on giving up. Maybe that’s one of his traits that made me fall for him. He’s determined and motivated to get whatever he wants, and he’ll do whatever it takes to make it happen. So I don’t know why I’m even trying to keep him away. If he doesn’t want to be pushed away, then he won’t be. The only option I have is to be a complete ass to him to drive him away, because trusting him with my secret definitely isn’t another choice.

My teeth sink into my lower lip and I slowly move to sit up on the couch, the banging on the door slightly lighter and more tired sounding. Between the bangs, I hear Ronnie’s voice trying to talk to me through the wood, his voice pleading, hurt, and confused. I stand up off the couch, and slowly start to step towards the door, listening to his voice from behind it.

“Max, please,” he shouts, though it’s a bit softer than a normal one. “Open the fucking door. I just want to talk to you, please.” He pauses for a moment before continuing. “I’m sorry if I did anything wrong, but...I don’t think I did. Can you please just open the door and talk this out with me? I’ll leave when I get some answers, but until I do, I’m staying right here on your front porch.”

I sigh and shake my head as I close the distance between the door and myself, reaching for the doorknob and unlocking the door. I pull it open to look at him, and honestly, he looks like a mess. His hair is matted and sticking out, probably from that thing he does when something’s bothering him, raking his fingers through his hair and pushing it around. His eyes are just a bit puffy, but show no sign of crying. Maybe he was just close to it. But why would he even cry over me? God, if only he knew the truth. He’d be disgusted with me.

Ronnie looks at me and sighs in relief, dropping his hand to his side and looking down for a moment. He peers at me through the thin curtain of greasy hair hanging a bit in his face, swallowing thickly and taking a deep breath. “Why weren’t you there?” he asks, his face contorting in confusion.

Chewing on my lip, I rake my fingers through my hair – a habit I got from him – and look down at my feet, absentmindedly kicking the door frame in my socks. “I don’t want to hang out anymore,” I mumble, and I immediately regret saying those words as soon as they leave my lips.

He frowns at me and stares at me blankly for a few long moments, his head slowly cocking to the side. “I...why?” he asks, his eyes darting in every which direction. He swallows thickly. “I didn’t do anything wrong. Did I? I’m sorry if I did. I won’t do it again.”

I sigh and shake my head, forcing myself to look back at him through my hair. “You didn’t do anything, Ronnie,” I say, clasping my hands together. “It’s honestly not as simple as you think. I just can’t lie to you anymore.” I shrug and let my eyes fall back down to my feet.

Ronnie stares at me in confusion with narrowed eyes and a single raised eyebrow, and I can tell by his stance that he’s not planning on leaving any time soon, at least, not until he gets more of an explanation. I should have known that I was going to tell him either way, but I could have tried a little harder to keep the truth away from him. I mean, I didn’t have to tell him I’ve been lying. Now he’s just going to hate me and be a dick to me all the time.

“Lying about what?” he asks, which I already knew was coming. He crosses his arms over his chest and stares down at me, leaning all his weight onto one foot like a temperamental pre-teen.

I sigh quietly and bite my lip. “It’s...You really don’t want to know,” I mumble, stepping back from the door and reaching for the handle. “Bye, Ronnie.”

I start to push the door shut but he quickly stops it from closing any more, sticking his converse clad foot in between it and the door frame. He grabs it with his hand and pushes it open again, immediately stepping through the threshold before I have a chance to close the door again. He steps close to me and reaches behind him to push the door shut without taking his eyes off me, his face just inches away from mine.

My breathing speeds up slightly and a lump forms in my throat, making it extremely difficult to swallow around it. I can feel my knees wobble and I hope to God they don’t give out before he leave, or that he won’t come any closer because I know for a fact that I’ll collapse if he does. His warm breath hitting my lips and rolling down my neck gives me goose bumps and sends shivers down my arm and spine, but I try my best not to make it too obvious as he’s watching my every move as close as possible.

I have to resist the urge to jerk my arms back when Ronnie wraps his hands around my wrists and gently runs the pads of his thumbs across my skin, causing the hair on my arm to stand up. I force myself to keep my eyes off of him, because if I give in and look at him, I know I’ll do something stupid. I’ve been doing stupid things since I met him. The most stupid? Falling in love with him.

“You know you can tell me anything,” he murmurs, and I notice his face moving closer to mine. I start to pull mine away a few centimetres, but I decide it’d just be better to keep it there. I don’t want to piss him off, or hurt him any more than I already have by standing him up and not wanting to see him. “I won’t judge you, for anything. If it’s family issues, I’ve been there. I’ve been through a lot of things. You can trust me. I promise.”

I swallow thickly and squeeze my eyes shut, feeling my knees wobble more, causing the rest of my body to shake. “You haven’t been through this,” I mumble, shaking my head a bit. “You’re a normal guy. You don’t know what it’s like to be different from everyone.”

Ronnie frowns at me and moves his face even closer, leaving just a few centimetres between our lips and it takes all of my self control to keep myself from taking the opportunity to just close the distance between them. “But I promise I’ll understand,” he whispers, pressing his forehead against mine. I keep my eyes shut and swallow thickly again. “No matter what it is. I’ll understand.” What he says next takes me off guard, and causes me to lose all self control I ever had. “Because I love you.”