I Love You More Than I Can Ever Scream

After that, I started cutting myself away from the rest of the guys.

And literally cutting myself.

It was so stupid of me, I realize that now.
But I also realized why I did it.

With every slice of the razor blade on my tanned arms, I felt closer to Andy.

That's why I didn't hang out with anyone, just stayed in my room. I didn't want anyone finding out.
But I'll never forget the time when someone did....

It was some time in the middle of June when I got a text.

"New Message (1) 'Jeffree <33'" The screen of my phone flashed at me.

"Heyyy bitch ;) U wanna hang out? Park 20 mins? X"

To be honest, I didn't wanna see anyone, but Jeffree always knew how to cheer me up. Besides, he would be a nice change. As much as I love the guys, I get sick of them every now and then.
"Hey Divaaa :P Sounds cool. C u l8tr. X" I pressed send and pulled on my boots.
Abi was hanging out with Jinxx and CC, so I left her a note in case she came back early.

The walk to the park was so refreshing. The clean air filled my lungs and for once I felt at peace.
Until I realized I forgot my jacket, meaning my scars were all on display.
I pressed my arms close to my body in hopes of hiding them.

I looked around a bit and saw Jeffree sitting on one of the swings.
I smiled and walked over to him.
"Aren't you cold with those tiny ass shorts on?" I laughed sitting on the swing next to him.
"Nah gurl I'm fine." He smiled back, slipping his phone back into his purse.
"Sooo..."
"Ashley show me your arms." He looked at me with a worried look in his bright purple eyes.
I sighed and held out my right arm slightly. He gently pulled it closer to him. I could feel his long, pink glittery nails digging into the red raw skin. I winced in pain, even though his nails weren't even digging in that much, it still hurt like a mother fucker.
"Ash--"
"No Jeffree! Don't even try and lecture me on it!" I shouted at him. "I know it's stupid! But you wouldn't understand!" I tried to stand up, but the firm grip he had on my arm pulled me back.
"Ashley." He calmly replied. "I understand. It makes you feel closer to him, doesn't it?"
I nodded. "How... How do you know?"
He smiled at me before unzipping one of his spike and stud covered high heeled booties and placing it on the floor next to him. He grabbed his ankle, lifting his leg up in the air and pulled the leg of his shorts up slightly. Sure enough, his inner thigh was covered in small scratches and scars.
"Do you remember Nate?" He sighed, running his fingers over the scars then putting his leg back down and slipping his foot back in his shoe.
Again, I nodded. I vaguely remembered him.
"Well, I never told anyone this, but... We were gonna get married." My jaw dropped and he just nodded slightly. "Yeah. When I found out he was with some slutty ass hookers nearly every night, I had a major fucking bitch fit and broke up with him. It destroyed me. So I wanted to destroy myself. But then I realized, hurting myself wont bring him back." He looked directly in my eyes when he said that last bit.
"Hurting yourself wont bring Andy back, babe. What would he say if he saw you now?"
Tears flowed down my face. Jeffree pulled me into a hug and I had a sudden realization.

Jeffree was right.

After that day, I never cut again.

Jeffree saved my life.

Sitting on the bathroom floor, razor blade in hand, turning the cool metal over in my fingers.
Should I?

I tossed the blade into the bin as I shook my head.

What would Andy think if I did?

I've learned from my mistake now, I'll never do it again.

~oOo~

Everyone was 'round Jake's house later that day.
They were all drinking (except Sammi and Abi for obvious reasons) and just having a good time.
After a while, I started feeling un well so I decided to silently slip away and go home.
Thankfully no one had noticed I had left.
It was about 7:30 by the time I got home. The sun was just about to set, making the sky different shades of blue, pink and orange. It was beautiful.
I suddenly remembered all the times me and Andy would go out into the back yard and just lay on the grass, watching the sunset fade into night.

Those were the good times.

I walked back into the house and upstairs to my room.
As I sat on the window seat, I felt a hand on my shoulder. I didn't turn to see who it was at first, I just looked at a beam of sunlight bursting through some clouds.
I hadn't realized I was crying until they told me to stop.
"Hey Ash. Don't cry.... That's just Andy smiling." Abi grinned, making me smile.
After a few more minutes, she went back into her room and I was once again my own.

Then I remembered Sammi wanted her lipstick back.

I walked over to Andy's side of the bed and pulled out one of his giant make up boxes.
I flipped open the latch and lifted the lid. I then rummaged around until I found a little black lipstick case with a piece of paper saying "Sammi's" taped to it. I was about to shut the lid when I saw it.

Another piece of paper in the shape of a heart.

With a shaking hand, I pulled it out of the box.

Ashley...
What can I say?
I love you.
I loooove you!
You mean everything to me, my whole entire world.
Ashley... Now words can describe my feelings for you.
You gave me the best life I could possibly wish for.
You're everything I ever dreamed of.
Thank you for everything.
I hope you never forget me, 'cause you can be
sure as Hell I'll never forget you.
Please, always remember that I love you.
Do you see a little red box?

I looked back in the case. Sure enough, there was a little red box.

Open it.

I opened the box carefuly. Inside was a blue heart shaped sapphire on a silver chain.

I want you to wear this necklace. And whenever you do,
I want you to think of me.

Forever yours,

Andy. Xxxxxxx

I slipped the necklace on around my neck.
It was so beautiful, it reminded me of Andy's sapphire eyes.

I turned on the radio randomly. Some station was playing The Mortician's Daughter.
That was always my favourite song, but I never knew why.

"No dust will ever grow on this frame, a million years and I will say your name. I love you more than I can ever scream..."

But now I know why....