Shielding Nothing

We ended up deciding not to leave sunny California because we couldn't find a good apartment space to rent.

Instead we just moved into a small apartment in LA.

It was quaint but when I stepped inside with Cristian's arm wrapped around my shoulder, it felt right.

"Something to get used to isn't it?" he asks.

"It feels right." I said a bit unsure, his Cristian's hand squeezes my shoulder in a comforting way. I smiled.

We were unpacking our things, we had two rooms and one bathroom along with a small kitchen.

We decided to make our living room a bedroom, we bought a king sized bed. This was where we would sleep at night…. well for the meantime me. I think Cristian is mad at me. I've been a real stickler about this whole ordeal.

Honestly it wasn't even a big deal… it was just my big deal and it sucked.

Cristian understood how I felt and he took the couch but I knew he was mad at me… I felt a little guilty since it's my fault I was the one who was uncomfortable with us sleeping together, I knew Cristian was disappointed but he wouldn't say it. He never says it, and that makes me a bit mad. I mean he should be himself around me... I mean we're living together now. I mean if he farts or goes poop I understand, I was never one of those frilly girls who were uptight about shit.

I lived with my father in a tour bus… with his band… trust me I don't give a damn about farting or the smell.

I know you're wondering why would this girl who lived in a bus filled with men and rock concerts everyday be afraid of sensuality?

Heck, I don't even know. But when I told Cristian about my worries, he was surprisingly okay with it. I spent the next few months with him being very suspicious if he was cheating on me because me being very knowledgable of men didn't think he can do without sex. Other guys would either leave instantly after my confession or pay prostitutes to do them but after 8 month of my spying and everything none of it happened. I was shocked and I ended up asking him truthfully one day, it kind of took him aback.

He was really shocked and I guess he was mad because that whole date night he was quiet and cold to me.When we went back to my place I held him back. I told him I was worried because… my life didn't have much trust in it. I can't even trust my best friends nor my father… it was hard for me. I kind of also cried so he succumbed to my girl tears.

I also made out with him because I really loved him… and so that also succumbed his disappointment of me.

It was the dead of night and I was in bed thinking.

I was angry and guilty, thoughts and worries were going through my mind.

I felt sad that Cristian wouldn't be real with me.

I remember what my grandma said, 'Never go to bed angry.' I got off and out of my bed and wrapped a blanket around me.

I went down the hall to his office of where Cristian slept in on the couch we placed in there. I crept into the door and went to the couch. I kneeled down and placed my face in front of his sleeping one, I then poked his face. He groaned and continued to sleep.

"Wake up." I said and I continued my poking. His eyes fluttered open and his brown eyes stared at me with intensity. I was on the spot now, and sadly I was speechless.

"Yes ma'm?" he asks me while rubbing his eyes.

"I... Well... Kind of... You see." I dragged... What do I say exactly.

"Please... I'm tired." He said tiredly.

"I can't sleep..." I said honestly. His eyes opened fully and faced me while tucking his hands under his head. He looks like an innocent handsome angel.

"Why not?" he asked groggily and tiredly.

"Because....My grandma alway said, never go to bed angry with your loved ones." I said and slumped into the ground.

"Your grandma is a wise woman." he said. "So, what are you angry about?" He asks me.

"Why aren't you real with me?" I asked.

"What do you mean?" he asks me confused.

"You don't tell me what you really feel. I know you're upset and angry with me." I said truthfully and slumped down.

"You want the truth?" he asks me. I nodded.

"Yes." I said eagerly.

"I'm just disappointed. I didn't get to lay with you." he said cheekily. "I don't get to hug you or hold you." He said. I sighed. "But you're not ready.. So I'll wait." he said. A smile was on my face.

"Why do you waste your time with me?" I asked while stroking his face.

"Because... I know you're worth it." he said I smiled.

"Scoot over." I said.

"What?" he asks confused.

"Scoot over... I'm tired." I said. He looks at me strangely and scoots over. I laid in the bed and my face was near his. It was a bit awkward...

"You can hug me you know." I whispered and assured him. He was reluctant.

"Tell me to do so." he whispered timidly.

"Hug me." I said, he then wrapped his arms around me and dug his face to me shoulder. I felt his breath… I was breathless now. It felt a bit awkward, with his arm wrapped around me… but it felt so comfortable and nice.

I like it… alot.