We're Slightly Less Screwed

I was tired. I was ridiculously fucking tired. Exhausted, I was exhausted.

Sleeping through the night was fucking impossible. Every night I had either a memory play itself back as a dream or a nightmare, always involving Casey. Some were a combination of the two. Each time I would wake up and find myself unable to go back to sleep.

I tried to continue on like I was fine, after all a few nightmares were nothing to get anyone else worked up about.

The thing was for as much of a bitch as I was to begin with. I was a good twenty times worse, when sleep deprived.

“BLAKE!” Ratchet bellowed, storming into the command center.

I turned in my chair to glare at the mech. The normally yellow bot was now purple.

I should’ve laughed. It was actually hilarious looking back on it. I simply couldn’t must up a fuck to give though at the time.

“Wasn’t me,” I said flatly.

“Really?” he asked. “Why did I find you’re DNA in it?”

“Because someone put a fucking strand of my hair in it!? Because I’m all over this fucking base, and my essence is everywhere?! I don’t know! Just fuck off! I can’t deal with this shit today.”

I got up to leave, but was pushed down back in my chair by Slater.

“What-“

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” she asked.

“Not a God damn thing.”

“Bullshit!”

“You’ve been a complete and total cunt for the past few weeks. All you’ve done is locked yourself in your room unless your needed, and when you do come out, you are just obnoxiously bitchy.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at her.

“You should’ve found that funny as hell, but instead you went straight to pissed off. What is your fucking problem?”

I felt Ratchet’s scanners on me.
“Oh really?!” I yelled at the medic.

“You’re sleep deprived,” Ratchet said. “I should’ve noticed it earlier. Blake, you need to rest.”

“I’m fine,” I said through my teeth.

“You clearly-“

“Let it go!” I snapped, releasing a blue wave. All of the small electronics in the room that didn’t even have a trace of All Spark Energy came to life. “FUCK!” I swore, storming out.

Slater kept talking walking behind me, not once shutting the fuck up.

I stopped and turned so that I was right in her face. “Leave me the fuck alone for five god damn minutes, before I really start to lose it,” I growled. There must’ve been something in my tone or maybe my eyes that showed how close I really was to the edge, because she backed off.

I ventured away from base, until I was once again sitting up by myself, looking at the stars. My solitude was ended by the arrival of Sideswipe. Unlike the other times I felt the need to come and sit in the clod ass desert, I wasn’t dressed for it, so when the bitter chill began to set in, I felt it.

I didn’t say anything, but Sides picked up on it, because he transformed down and opened his door.

I picked myself up, dusted myself of and sat in the driver’s seat.

“Why haven’t you been sleeping?” Sides asked me, getting straight to the point.

“Memories, dreams, nightmares. All about Casey. They all wake me up in the middle of the night, and I can never go back to sleep afterwards.” I surprised myself with how easily the words flowed.

“Good dreams?”

I nodded. “But then I wake up, and he’s still gone.”

“And the memories?”

“Some are good. Some are not so much. Some are funny, but I can never stop thinking about the afterwards. If things had been different… If we had changed our plans, left later, earlier, if we walked out in a different order, if something then he could still be here. I could be gone. I could accept that. That-“

“Shut up!” Sideswipe snapped.

I glanced down at his dash.

“Tell me, what would you say, if I ever told you how I wished that it was me instead of Sunny that was missing.”

I stayed silent.

“Well…”

“I’d probably tell you that you’re stupid, that Sunstreaker would probably hit you for saying something like that, and there would probably be liberal useage of the word fuck.”

“I may not have met Casey, and I’d doubt that he’s hit you, but I believe that he and Sunstreaker would have a similar reactions in this case.”

I hated that he was right.

“You keep clinging on to these memories and the guilt. You don’t allow yourself to grieve and move on.”

“I had to see it!” I yelled. “It’s not something that a few tears and an he’s in a better place get you through!”



”Case’ll be home soon. Moping isn’t going to help anything,” my mother said looking at me. I wasn’t sure if she was trying to be positive or if she was in denial. I was going with the latter. My mother was never good with any serious emotions. “Go see Slater,” she said. The Hunts’ suite was across the hall from us.

I sighed and got up, knowing she wouldn’t relent. I changed into real clothes for the first time in days and walked to the door. I made sure I had my key and pulled it open.

Blood. That’s all I could make out at first, the puddle of red. Then as my eyes trailed forward, the pale flesh of an arm caught my attention. The scream that escaped me was enough was the half choked call of a banshee. I fell to my knees.

“Blake!” my dad came running over. He looked down, and quickly pulled me up and over to the couch, before calling the police.



“I found him, outside of our room, naked, in a pool of his own blood. They’d slit his throat. He was covered in bruises, cuts and fucking burns. Burns! Who the hell does that?”

Tears slid down my face. I wiped at them, before they could hit any part of Sides’ interior.

“I’m never gonna unsee that. It’s never gonna go away. When it first happened, for the first few months, I was bad. I was terrible. I didn’t eat. I didn’t sleep. I was catatonic. I didn’t do anything. I sat curled in a ball, crying occasionally. They were never sure if it was the grief or the sight that did it to me, as if the combination alone was too far of a stretch. They locked me up. Put me in a mental hospital, and it worked, sort of. I didn’t get better, but it was so easy to act as if nothing had happened. There were no traces of him of anyone. It was just blank, so I allowed my mind to follow, and once I pushed the memories back, ignored them it got easier to function. I could be a snobby bitch, and no one questioned it. They always call me shallow, and I am, because it fucking hurts to go any deeper.“

A hand on my shoulder, caused me to jump. I looked to my right, and my eyes widened.

“You got a holoform?” I asked, surprised.

He didn’t say anything.

“I switched focus from parties, cars and vacation homes to autobots, but then I heard you were landing, and it started to come back. I’ve been forcing myself not to push it all away this time. I want to deal with it. I just don’t know how. I want to see you and Sunstreaker reunited. I want that for you, so badly. You know have a bond, an actual thing that makes you closer than anyone. I can’t imagine losing that. I won’t let that happen.”

“Thank you, and I want to help you. There’s nothing I can do to bring your brother back, but if you need anything, come to me,” he said.

I nodded. We lapsed into silence. My tears stopped flowing and my breathing started to return to normal. That was the first time I had explained that to anyone.

I took a moment to observe the holo next to me. He looked sad, but he wasn’t giving me pity, which was something I appreciated.

He was tan with dark hair that had a silver patch in the front. His eyes were like those of all the bots, bright blue that nearly glowed. He appeared to be tall, and was most definitely built. He had an angular face with a strong jaw line. He wore a pair of dark wash jeans and a grey t-shirt that read “I don’t break the rules. I just bend them.” I’d put my fortune that it said “a lot” on the back.

“What made you agree to a holoform?” I asked, breaking the silence.

“Huh?”

“Just there was a comic, and you were absolutely disgusted by the fact a decepticon pretender would disguise herself as a human, and I mean I know this is different, but I didn’t think you would agree to a holoform.”

“It’s not the same,” he agreed. “Honestly Ratchet drugged me and installed it. You humans are very weird creatures,” he said, looking at his hands.

“You have no idea,” I said.

I yawned. “You need to recharge. Time to go back.”

He started to drive back, but I fell asleep before we got there.