Caught Up In You

March 31st, 2012
Saturday Morning
Hallway
8:23 AM

I was in the hallway when I began to panic. My fingers were shaking so sporadically that I could barely even get the key in the lock. My breath was ragged and shaky, and it took me several seconds to pull myself together.

I don’t even understand why my emotions were so delayed. Just by looking at the door to our room set me on the verge of tears. What was I going to tell Pacey? He surely wasn’t going to believe anything I said.

After all, Pacey predicted that something would occur.

He knew that something was there, and that if he wasn’t standing in the way, we would be together. I don’t understand how he knew, because I had no idea until the night prior.

Was it really that obvious that we both had feelings for each other?

All of these thoughts were flooding through my mind, and I couldn’t take it. The pain, the confusion, the despair. These were the overwhelming feelings that engulfed me completely. Every second that I was conscious, the memories were there.

But I had to move on and figure out a plan.

I couldn’t just stand in front of the door that led to the one person I really didn’t want to face for the rest of my life. It would be a stupid and naïve choice.

So, I took a deep breath and opened the door. I tried to be as quiet as possible, saying it was only 8:30 in the morning. No one would be awake. I knew my roommates much too well. Logan was usually the earliest to wake, which on good days, was 8:45. Tristan and Pacey typically slept until 11, unless if we bothered them to get out of bed.

I put my key in my pocket and walked to the refrigerator. A cup of coffee was what I really needed at a time like this. Although it couldn’t solve all my problems and make me feel less guilty, it could compel me to think beyond my emotions. In the little time that I had to drink, it made me feel peaceful, like the world was actually safe and perfect.

By the time I had made a cup of coffee, which took me ten minutes since I spilled milk and sugar everywhere, a door in the hallway had opened.

My heart pounded in my chest. I had never felt this way before. So scared, vulnerable, defenseless. I hadn’t practiced anything that I would say. Hell, my mind was as vacant and bare as a blank page. I knew that if Pacey were to show up in front of me, I would have nothing to say. I’d probably be a mess of stutters and tears.

The footsteps stopped at the end of the hallway and I looked up.

I sighed, knowing that all was good in the world, at least for now. It was just Logan. And although he looked concerned, I was happy it was him and not Pacey.

“Er, good morning,” I said with a smile, trying to avoid his lecture. Logan walked to the counter and sat on the stool. He observed me for several seconds with raised eyebrows. Other than that, he was expressionless.

But I would be as well if someone I cared for hadn’t been home all night.

I was a complete and utter moron.

Logan sighed deeply before looking up at me. “Where were you last night, Drew?” He asked, cutting right to the chase. I took a sip of my coffee, trying to act casual. It didn’t work, however.

Out of everyone that I had met here, Logan could tell if I was lying immediately. He always saw through my pitiful attempts of getting away with incidents.

But how was I supposed to respond? I couldn’t just say that I was casually sleeping with Drake.

“Um, I …er… passed out at Drake’s,” I lied. Logan raised his eyebrows once more, slanting them in curiosity. I made sure that my expression was impassive. I could not let him figure out the truth.

“You just passed out?” He asked, not convinced whatsoever.

“Yep. Pretty much,” I said, taking the last sip of my coffee and resting the cup in the sink.

“What about his roommates? Didn’t they see you?” He probed, a slight edge of suspicion lurking in his voice.

I couldn’t tell him I slept on the couch. That would be much too obvious. I sighed, knowing that I had just halfheartedly accepted defeat.

“I was in his room,” I muttered meekly, avoiding any form of eye contact. Logan chuckled slightly. It wasn’t a happy, easy going laugh. It was a ‘you’re-so-dead-I-can’t-believe-you-thought-I-was-that-stupid’ snicker. But really, he was right. I had attempted to get away with my actions, without having to tell anyone. It had gone terribly wrong, however.

Now I was just counting down to the second Pacey would find out.

“You were in his room?” Logan mocked, marking the words with a bitter, unpleasant essence.

“It’s not what it sounds like,” I gulped, my eyes widening every second. This was torture. I was practically being interrogated.

No. I was being interrogated.

I could not let him see this easily through me.

I had to stand my ground.

“Drew,” he said, acting like we weren’t having the conversation from hell. His voice was soft, and held sympathy. It was only because we were friends, though. He knew he couldn’t keep this secret.

“No. Nothing happened, Logan,” I squeaked. My voice cracked, and I was trembling.

I was done for.

This was it.

“Then why do you look so damn nervous?” He asked, standing up and walking towards me. This was my breaking point. I could never lie to Logan. There was just something about him. We had that relationship where we understood everything about one another. It was like we had known each other our entire lives.

He tilted my head upwards and glanced at me. His dark eyes were light and whole hearted. I almost believed that I could trust him. But at this point, I couldn’t trust anyone.

“I’m just stressed out about everything, okay?” I said, my voice raw and tense.

“That’s not it,” Logan uttered, turning around and strolling to the couch. He signaled for me to follow him.

When we were both sitting next to each other, he looked at me again. It was silent for what felt like forever, but it had really only been about a minute.

“Drew, I won’t tell Pacey. What went on last night?” He whispered so only I could hear him.

My heart pounded again in my chest. My mind was empty again, but filled with a deluge of thoughts at the same time. I could not tell him the truth. No. It would get out. Then Pacey would never talk to me again. I couldn’t take that route.

“We were watching a show when we heard people talking outside of the door. It was too late for me to get away, so he took me into his room. I was going to sneak out and come back here, but I fell asleep before they went to bed. Nothing happened,” I said. It sounded pretty convincing. Almost good enough for Logan to believe. But there was that slight edge to my voice that made it implausible.

Logan sighed and pushed himself a couple of inches away from me. I didn’t know what that meant, but I didn’t think too much about it.

“Okay. Whatever Drew. I’m not going to beg you to tell me. But Pacey’s going to find out somehow,” he asserted.

He was right.

Pacey always found out these types of occurrences. He was amazing at lurking around when he was curious. In a way, he always got what he wanted.

I sighed. What was I supposed to do?

I looked everywhere but at Logan. This was probably the most uncomfortable conversation I had ever had with him. We usually joked and messed around. But now, it was different. Even if I hadn’t told him what had taken place, he most likely already knew. He just wanted me to confess.

This was my last resort.

Like my parents used to say when I was little, “You won’t get in as much trouble if you tell the truth, sweetie.” But were they right? Would my decision to tell Logan backfire?

I needed to give it a chance. I could trust Logan. At this point, I had to. I didn’t have another choice, honestly.

Logan was about to push himself off of the couch when I placed my hand on his shoulder. “Logan, wait,” I sighed, attempting to recollect my jumbled thoughts. He glanced at me and sat back down. His eyes were dark and unreadable. I wasn’t able to tell if he was mad or apprehensive, or both. He turned his body toward me and waited for the apparent statement I had to make.

“Something… happened last night,” I started, glancing away from him.

“Okay, and?” He asked, rushing my pace.

“Do you promise you won’t tell anyone?” I questioned suspiciously. I had to know that I could put my faith into him. If not, I wouldn’t ever be able to explain myself to Pacey, and everything between us would fall apart. As if it hadn’t already.

Logan nodded promptly, listening intently on what I had to say.

“I didn’t mean for it to happen, but…um,” I stopped. I was shivering again. So much pressure was piling onto me. The air that usually was so easy for me to breathe was gone, and I started to choke. Profuse, crowded coughs escaped my lungs painfully and I became terrified. This is what I had become, a disgusting mess.

Logan pulled me into him and patted my back, easing the gags that kept approaching. Tears poured down my swelling cheeks, and I instantly cried out into Logan’s arms. I had no idea what had hit me, but it wasn’t stopping.

Weeps and tears streamed down my face. I blubbered uncontrollably, and I was so embarrassed that Logan had to endure this.

I didn’t even realize why I was sobbing, when I had enjoyed having sex with Drake. I wanted him, and I got him. So why was I wailing like a child?

“Hey, Drew, it’s okay. You did something you regret. I understand,” Logan assured, rubbing his hands over my back.

I pushed him away then, and wiped the tears from my eyes. I regained my voice, and mumbled a couple of words before looked back up at him.

“No, you don’t get it. I don’t regret what I did. I liked sleeping with him,” I confessed. A pang of astonishment burst through Logan’s eyes as he took in what I had just admitted. But he shook his head and comforted me instead of giving a lecture of my stupid decisions.

“Then what’s going on?” He asked.

I swallowed all of the words that were trying to force their way through my mouth. But I finally understood why I was so distraught and hysterical.

I gazed at Logan and raised my eyebrows, choking back tears.

“Because, I’m never going to get Pacey back.”