Caught Up In You

November 4th, 2011
Friday Night
Location: Drew’s Room
6:33 PM

Avoiding someone that lives in the same dorm as you is much more arduous than it may seem. And although it had only been two days, I was dying. I was going out of my way to avoid someone that I would normally love to see every waking moment.

In the morning, we accidentally walked into each other. We grumbled apologies and headed separate ways. That had been the most I had said to Pacey in over 48 hours.

Today, when I thought all of the guys were out of our dorm, I let myself loose. I allowed myself to cry. I was usually stronger than this. I was usually much more efficient. This is why I didn’t tolerate falling for guys. I knew my feelings would always end the same.

Completely heartbroken.

I lie on my bed and try to calm myself, but I know it’s no use. I couldn’t stop. Every time I took my fingers and wiped my eyes, more tears dropped in a deluge over the brim of my lids. I was sure I looked absolutely horrid. My eyes were red and puffy. My cheeks were bright pink and swollen, and my face was hot and sweaty. I kept hyperventilating, trying to breathe throughout each painful gulp.

All of a sudden, I heard a door being closed. I attempted to cease the loud noises I was making, but it was of no use. Not long after, Logan appeared in my doorway. “Drew, are you okay?” I heard him ask, sounding uncomfortable.

“Yeah, I’m fine, just, my…uh… dog died,” I lied, sounding more like a teenage girl than a boy. Logan closed the door, laughing and making his way towards me.

“That is so not the case,” he said. “Really, what’s wrong?”

I let go of my breath and looked at him, not caring how terrible I looked. “If I tell you something, do you promise to not let anyone know?” I asked, staring him dead in the eyes.

“Yeah, I won’t let it slip. Honest,” I knew he was serious. In the couple of months I had gotten to know Logan, he had seemed extremely trustworthy.

“Well, this is going to sound extremely idiotic, but for the whole time I've been here, I've been lying about something pretty important,” I hesitated. “I’m not….I’m not a guy,” I said, raising my voice higher than I expected.

“Well, I could’ve guessed that,” Logan said, acting like I had told him my hair was blonde.

“It was that obvious?” I said, my eyes popping out of their sockets.

“Not really. It’s just the fact that sometimes you left pink razors in the bathroom and your voice would get too high. If I wasn't your roommate, I wouldn't be able to tell,” he said, casually sliding my secret as if it was nothing.

“So, how long have you known?” I asked.

“About a month. When I came home a couple weeks ago, I heard you and Pacey talking in your room, and it wasn't casual conversing. You guys were flirting. And I know Pacey isn't gay, so I automatically knew,” he shrugged his shoulders. I shivered when he said Pacey’s name.

Logan noticed. “So that’s what you’re crying about,” He said, sounding unusually happy. I shrugged.

“And you also knew we had a thing. Gosh, you’re good,” I said, sniffling.

“Just a second, Drew. I’m going to get you something that’ll make you feel better,” he said, hopping off my bed like a maniac.

I didn't even have time to object, because by the time I opened my mouth, Logan was already back. He was carrying a large bottle of vodka.

“How did you even manage to get this in the building?” I asked.

“The Halloween party. I was going to save it for awhile, but you could really use it,” I sighed. “You know that game ‘I’ve Never’?” Logan asked. I nodded.

“You go first,” I said.

Logan thought for a minute and then smiled devilishly at me.

“I’ve never pretended to be a different gender,” he said. I tightened my jaw and glared at him, but he just smiled back. I took the bottle in my hand and drew it back, drinking only a couple of ounces.

“I’ve never made out with anyone,” I replied. I knew Logan had. He was admittedly attractive. Like I predicted, Logan pulled the alcohol away from my grasp and took a sip, exhaling a sigh of relief.

“I’ve never genuinely fallen for anyone,” he said. I frowned and drank from the bottle.

The next couple of rounds went on and on, until the both of us were completely intoxicated. And even though the last truth I admitted was simple, it definitely changed me forever. I was too busy being obnoxious to realize that Pacey had come back into the dorm.

“I’ve never kissed anyone as handsome as you,” I said, laughing through each word. Logan easily smiled.

“You can cross that off your list,” he said, getting closer and closer to me until we were centimeters away. We stayed like that for a couple of seconds until he turned his head and harshly pressed his lips against mine.

I could feel him separating his lips as he pulled me onto his lap. I giggled uncontrollably as Logan stopped kissing my mouth and instead started sucking my neck. I could smell the scent of his hair, breezy and calm, mixed with the intense fragrance of alcohol on his breath. When our lips met once more, I heard a soft but angry groan.

I knew it wasn’t Logan because I would’ve been able to feel his words vibrating against my tongue. I broke away from him and turned to see Pacey, fists clenched and jaw tight, his green eyes dimmed with jealousy and resentment. “Oh hey man!” Logan said, obviously not knowing what was going on. I watched as Pacey shook his head stiffly and walked away.

I hurried to get off of Logan’s lap and stumbled out of my room, heading for Pacey. I couldn’t walk well, but I was much more coordinated than on Halloween night. “Pacey…Pacey…PACEY!” I yelled, almost in tears. His name brought shudders to me. But when I actually had to say it, terror shook through my whole body.

I finally found Pacey in his room. He was sitting on his bed, acting like he didn’t care. But I knew it mattered to him. I could see it when he looked at me. “What do you want?” He asked, annoyed.

“No. You don’t have the right to say that,” I said, getting so angry my voice was echoing throughout the room.

“Actually I do…” he began.

“You know what I mean! I was devastated when you told me you were dating your ex girlfriend again. And when I kiss a guy that doesn’t even matter, you freak out?! That’s not fair!” I yelled, not being able to hold back the tears. I was getting dizzy from all of the alcohol, but I wasn’t going to fall. He needed to hear what I had to say.

“Life’s not fair,” he said.

“Can you just explain to me why you did what you did?” I asked as quietly as I could.

“What are you talking about?” He said.

“I’m talking about Addirah!” I yelled, rage overtaking me.

“I like her. She likes me. Therefore, we’re dating,” he said. Pacey couldn’t even look at me. I just wanted to run, but my feet were glued to the ground.

“But I like you. You like me,” I said, wanting to show him that we would work so much better.

“Liked. I liked you. It’s past tense,” he said.

I thought my heart had already broken, and maybe it had, but I felt it drop completely. I couldn’t even stand, the pain was too unbearable. I fell to the ground, practically sobbing. “You know that’s not true. You can’t just get over me that fast. We had something Pacey,” I said.

“Then what was with you kissing Logan? Were you trying to get me jealous? You say you like me. Hell, you even show that we have chemistry. But the minute I come back in here, ready to apologize, I see you making out with a guy you barely know?” He said, standing up and pulling me off the ground so that he can stare through me as if I’m a ghost.

“If you didn’t notice, I can’t really contain my emotions right now. I’m a wreck, okay? How was I supposed to know that you were going to apologize? And if anything, I know Logan more than I know you. I mean, the Pacey I know would never yell at me. Sure, he’d joke around. But in the end he’d help me back to bed and turn off the lights and say goodnight. He’d whisper in my ear and tell me everything would be okay. He wouldn’t get defensive because I needed to bring up something important.What happened to you?” I snapped.

I watched as Pacey’s strong stance turned into an unconfident slouch as he reevaluated the words I had just spoken. I saw him lower his head and look at the ground. “I…I don’t know. I guess I just got so caught up in Addirah,” he replied.

I swear if I heard her name one more time I was going to rip in half and nail myself to the ground. “Why is it always about her? Is she the only person you care about? She’s not even that great of a person. In the twenty seconds that I got to know her, I could already tell she was a conceited low life that doesn’t even like you for your personality. Why can’t you think about yourself for once?” I asked.

Pacey started to glare at me. He started to clench his fists together like he does when he gets angry. He tried to let out words that expressed how he felt.

Then he realized I was right.

He didn’t say anything though. He just continued to stare at me, revolutionized by what I needed to tell him. With all the strength I had, I managed to walk away from him. And as much as I wanted to hug him and tell him I was sorry, I knew it wasn’t my fault. But then I heard him following me, his steps impossible to ignore.

I felt his rough hands touch my shoulder and turn me around. I saw his eyes reach mine, begging for forgiveness. I wanted so badly to go back to him, to hug him, to touch him, but I didn’t. He hurt me so much more than I could’ve imagined.

“Why do you keep running away?” Pacey asked, frustrated with me.

“Why? You’re the first guy I’ve ever fallen for, and then you break me. I may be tough on the outside, but I’m not as strong as you think. I can’t keep getting my hopes up only to be crushed again. You were the only one person in my life that I’ve ever trusted, and now I can’t even look at you. I just…I can’t risk being hurt again. I won’t do this. I …I can’t do this,”

I walked out of the dorm room and out to the court yard before pulling out my phone. I pressed the second button on my cell and waited for the familiar, lovely voice I hadn’t heard in a while.

“Hello?” The voice said. That one word made my heart spin. It made me feel just a little bit better.

“Mom?” I said, sounding so vulnerable.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” She asked, sounding concerned.

“Mom, I want to come home.”