Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

She felt strange, flustered and embarrassed, perhaps a little giddy, with a side of shame. Alongside thoughts of an excited skipping heart, ran pangs of regret and loathing. Her mind couldn’t help but wander to the note book in her brain to weigh up the pros and cons of this situation.

Pro – she was re-establishing a relationship with Ville.
Pro – he still cared deeply for her.
Con – she still hadn’t properly dealt with, or spoken about, what he did.
Con – she was with Seth.
Con – Seth hates that she didn’t tell him about Ville.
Con – Seth would be jealous of the new found friendship.
Con – She would have to tell Seth that Oscar was Ville’s.
Con – She would have to tell Ville that Oscar was his.
Con – In telling either party the relationship will possibly crumble.

She cursed under her breath at the outweighing result, turning her attention quickly away from the road to look at Oscar in the back seat, playing away with his dinosaur toys happily. She decided that breakfast would come after she briefly stopped by her studio to pick up some client folios and check everything was running smoothly. Karen, her lovely receptionist, an older but incredibly trendy and youthful looking woman, squealed in delight as Milly entered her building, Oscar balanced on her hip. “I love when it’s baby at work day!” she delighted, sauntering over like a jester, scooping Oscar up by his underarms. “Hey handsome boy, want to hang with Aunty K whilst Mummy does some stuff?”

“Yeah!” he exclaimed. She knew exactly why, Aunty Karen just loved treating him to juice boxes that she kept especially in the fridge for these occasions.

“You take your time, honey child; we’ll just be chilling out here with the dino toys.” Karen said with a playful wink. Milly loved Karen and Karen loved Milly and Oscar, whenever Milly stressed about finding a babysitter, it was as if the thought beamed straight into Karen’s mind and she called offering her services. She was a god send, not only in helping look after Oscar, but in keeping her company and the staff running perfectly.

Not wanting to disrupt Oscar’s schedule anymore after the sofa slumber party, she took the stairs to her mezzanine level office two at a time, though when she reached her office she had forgotten the catastrophic mess she had left it in. She could have slapped herself in the face at this point, her brain was melting, and her thought train had well and truly derailed. Her phone bleeped in her bag, rifling through her handbag, past dinosaurs and various pens, she finally found. Why it was always the hardest thing to find in a handbag frustrated her regularly. She expected it to be Seth, but it was a message from Bam.

- We have to talk. Coffee and cigarettes breakfast?
- Can’t. At the studio, so much work and have Osi and to top it all, Seth’s awol. What’s up?

An hour had passed and he still hadn’t replied. Though she was trying tirelessly to tidy her office and assemble a custom portfolio for her meeting this afternoon, she couldn’t help but dwell on the past days happenings. Looking at her son, asleep on a chaise lounge, she realised that she wasn’t sure of anything anymore. She was still so hurt by Ville, but she didn't want to toss him aside. She believed so strongly that every thing happened for a reason, so there would be a reason he was here, now. In looking at what they created out of love, she realised that she had never stopped loving him, how could she? He was the love of her life, he gave her the meaning of her existence in giving her Oscar. But people fuck up, things end, shit happens, to sum it up nicely - the times they are a-changin’, she mused out loud. What frightened her, however, was how this realisation only came to pass in seeing Ville again. She wondered whether she was subconsciously tricking herself into honestly and truly believing that she wasn’t angry anymore, just to keep him around until she truly and wholeheartedly forgave him. She also stressed over how she was going to keep a good balance between everything. She looked at her phone again; still no reply from Bam and no sight of any contact from Seth. She opened her speed dial menu with every intention to call when Karen’s voice filled the room via the intercom. “Darling, you have a visitor.”

“Ahh, okay, um..” Panicked, she started scooping up armfuls of fabrics and pushing them into her desk drawers, but then, where was she going to put Oscar? “Stall them!” she begged.

“Sorry sweetie.” The door swung open to reveal Bam, she sighed heavily in relief.

“My god, Bam.. I was scared to death you were my client.” He nodded, taking in his surroundings.

“I understand why that would terrify you. This place is a shit heap of mess!” he chuckled, “I didn’t reply, sorry. I just thought I’d go with it and come to you with coffee. You have a balcony?”

“I do.”

“Little dude okay to keep napping whilst we go outside?” he queried. She smiled.

“Aslan roaring wouldn’t wake him right now.”



“You have no idea how much this is required.” She frowned, exhaling smoke as she brought the steaming coffee to her lips, “Caramel latte, help me.” She pleaded jokingly to her drink as she sipped on it eagerly. Bam then handed her a paper bag and held onto one himself, before placing another between them both on the table.

“I got Oscar a croissant. I saw him fanging into one the other day.”

“You are a guardian angel, Margera. Thank you.” He lit a cigarette, took a long drag and tapped his foot a few times. “So, I’m guessing you want to talk about Ville?” he nodded, exhaling as he dug around in his pocket for his phone. He was tapping away on the screen, not elaborating any further on his nod. He took a bite of his pastry and continued tapping. “What about, specifically?” he handed Milly his phone. She looked at the picture and smiled, it was a natural reaction to seeing a photograph of what could have been her perfect family, all cuddled together asleep, on the sofa.

“That!” he said, pointing accusingly at her face. “I want to talk about why you and Ville both did that face when I showed you this photo.”

“What, smiled?” She quipped, setting his phone on the table infront of him. “Because it’s a cute picture. That we can be adult and move past what happened and be friends makes me happy.”

“What happened last night?”

“We played this stupid game we played when we were young alcoholics, got a bit drunk, got a little emotional, but talked. He head-butted me in the nose, I bled, Seth got pissed off that we were carrying on like idiots with Osi and stormed off, we put cartoons on, talked some more and evidently fell asleep.”

“Nothing else?”

“No, Bam, I’ve only just come round to putting things aside with him, but more to the point, I’m with Seth. I’m not about to do to him what Ville did to me. Credit me with at least a shred of integrity, please.” She remarked, bitterly. Bam recognised that he may have run before he could walk, at least with Milly anyway.

“I’m just worried.” He sighed, “Ville is my best friend, he’s in a relationship too, a really shitty one. They’re together, then they break up, they’re together, they argue, they break up-“

“Ville’s in a relationship?” she asked, not having listened since those words came from Bam’s mouth.

“What? Yeah, well, kind of… Like I said they’re together, and then they’re not, then they are.” She was confused, why hadn’t he told her this? “He didn’t tell you this yet?”

“Oh, no, but, why should he have to, it’s his private life. I didn’t discuss my relationship with Seth with him, they’re private matters.” She said, though trailing unconvincingly at the end of her sentence.

“Sorry dude, I didn’t want to say anything before he did. But she’s a fucking nut bag, I just think he’s finding a security in being around you again and if Jonna finds out, the wrath that will rein upon him, oh boy… He might loose an eardrum for good this time.”

“He’s with Jonna?” she asked, swallowing her disdain. He didn’t tell her any of this; she didn’t at all know how to process it. “He didn’t tell me that he was with Jonna, no.”

“Well to be fair, you haven’t told him he fathered the kid he’s been playing dinosaurs with.” Bam shrugged, “So I guess that makes you medium even?”

“Medium even?”

“Well, shacking up with the bitch he ‘pile drived’ after you left him if typical Ville. The man needs to love someone, that someone having been you, then you leave and he’s left with someone who loves him, someone to fill the void you left, time ticks over and slowly he comes to love things about her.. Can you blame him?” she really couldn’t, but she’d be a liar if she said it didn’t pluck the old jealousy string. It was typical Ville, the man can’t function without love and adoring. She tore off a piece of her Danish and put it in her mouth, mulling over the thought of him being with Jonna all this time.

“I can’t, no. You’re right, medium even.” She nodded, swallowing. She sighed and placed the pastry on the table, fumbling for the cigarette she balanced on the ashtray in order to touch her food, “I don’t know how to do this, Bam…” she said, her voice unsure, shaking her head as she raised her hand to her lips, inhaling softly before speaking again, “How do I tell Seth that the father of my child has been living in our home for the past few weeks? How do I tell Ville that I kept his son from him for three years?”

“Babe, I really don’t know. But my advice would be to just tell them and deal with the repercussions afterwards. You dug yourself into this hole.”

“What?”

“You’ve put it behind you like that,” he demonstrated, snapping his fingers in the air, “you have seemingly just forgiven Ville for fucking cheating on you so very fucking blatantly. If you could forgive him now, don’t you think his question will be, ‘why couldn’t you have done it at the birth of our child?’, hmm?”

“Everything happened so quickly Bam; I was in turmoil the length of my pregnancy that he ruined us and that I was going to be a single and very scared mother. I went back to tell him, before Osi was born, but I told myself that if it was meant to happen, it would happen. So I sat in front of his building for hours waiting for him and he didn’t walk past, so I left – I left angry that even the universe didn’t want to make our relationship work. Then I had Oscar, then I met Seth and everything just started barrel rolling and cut to a few weeks ago and there he is, on my fucking doorstep. I still hate him so much for what he did, I will never truly recover from it and I will never forget, don’t get me wrong. But, the time for being unforgiving is over now what I’ve done carries so much more weight. I’m an awful person for not telling him, now I’m in too deep. It will destroy Seth and Ville will hate me. I don’t know what to do.”

“You need to not be selfish. Stop thinking about how this affects you and think about them.” He said, succinctly. “That’s what Ape always told me and Jesse.”