Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

Collaboratively, the guys had cooked a dinner of traditional Finnish food and ended with Milly’s favourite dessert. Oscar sat at the top of the table, resplendent in his golden crowned costume, stabbing away at his Banoffee pie with a spoon in delight. “Boys, you really out did yourselves. It was so lovely, thank you.” She gushed, picking up her wine glass and gesturing a small toast.

“We just want you to know we’re glad we’re all back together. It’s been very quiet without your laugh on that tour bus, I can tell you that much.” Gas nodded, refilling his glass.

“Mmm.” Mige agreed, wiping his mouth with his napkin, “Can’t say I miss that one particular giggle though.” He sniggered. Bam’s attention was caught away from playing a game of ‘flick the pie crust into my mouth’ with Oscar, resulting in the pie hitting him in the neck.

“What giggle?”

“Mige, hardly appropriate.” Ville coughed. “Milly, just ignore him.” Ville said apologetically. She could feel her cheeks flushing.

“Thanks Mige.” She nodded, hiding behind her wine glass. “How about we talk about the noises that came out of your bunk, huh?” he laughed dismissively, Linde and Burton chuckled heartily, knowing exactly what she was referring to. “Oh, Mi-“, she began in a gravelly voice.

“Okay! Okay! Sorry dear… No need to shoot back, merely friendly fire! I apologise.”

“What giggle?! What noises?!” Bam asked excitedly.

“Nothing.” Ville said with a slow serious nod and a smile, putting an end to the conversation altogether.

“Kusipää.” She muttered with a grin under her breath as she flung a piece of crust at Mige. He picked it up and condescendingly put in into his mouth and chewed.
(Asshole.)

“Sinun hämmennystä maistuu niin herkullista.” he purred.
(Your embarrassment tastes so delicious.)

“Voi kyllä? Miten luulet parran maistuu menossa läpi perseeseen?!”, she retorted with a cheeky pout much to the amusement of the rest of the table, sans Bam. Burton aided in leaning over and telling Bam exactly what she had said.
(Oh yeah, how do you think your beard will taste going in through your ass?!)

“Kusipää!” Oscar shouted with a loud cackle. Everyone fell silent and turned to look at him, sitting there nonchalantly swinging his legs under the table. He threw another piece of crust at Bam and shouted again, “Kusipää!”

“Oscar!” she said, her mouth gaping in shock. She tried to restrain herself from laughing, her face twitched and twisted trying her hardest not to. She faced her lap as she sniggered through her nose. “Don’t say that word, hunny.” She shook her head and sucked her lips into her mouth so as he couldn’t see her smirking.

“I can speak Suomi too!” he grinned proudly.

“He can?” Ville asked in shock. She nodded proudly.

“Of course he can. I’m Finnish, why shouldn’t he know his heritage? It’s our secret language, hey pup?” she winked, poking his chest.

“Why doesn’t he speak it more?” Gas asked, running his hand over his smooth cranium. She shrugged.

“He speaks Finnish to me, not so much when others are around because I explained that it’s rude to not include people in a conversation.” She took Oscar’s plate away from him and pushed his hair out of his face, “Kultaseni, tiesitkö, että Ville, Migé, Burton ja Gas voi puhua suomea myös?” she asked sweetly. His eyes widened in shock, his large eyes moving from person to person in awe.
(Sweetheart, did you know that Ville, Mige, Burton and Gas can all speak Finnish too?)

“Todella?!” he gasped. (Really?!)

“Mitkä asiat ovat sinun suosikki sanoa suomeksi, pikkuinen?” Ville purred in his devilishly naughty Finnish tongue. Having spoken to him in English most of their lives, it still to this day sent shivers down her spine hearing him talk their native language. Coincidentally, it also had the same effect on Ville. (What other things can you say in Finnish, little one?)

”Uhhh..” he pondered, pointing his finger on his lips, ”Voin sanoa numeroita... ja kirjaimia... ja dinosaurukset! Ja puhu äiti, mutta ei Seth tai Gwen tai Kar sillä ne kuluttavat eivät ymmärrä minua.” he giggled, everyone was entranced listening to him speak, his dialect was perfect. Burton translated for Bam as Oscar spoke. He stopped and rolled his head back, before snapping it up again, ”Oh! Ja voin katsella Muumeja! Ja laulaa Sininen Uni kun äiti tekee. Paljon!”
(I can say numbers and letters and dinosaurs and talk to mum, but not Seth or Gwen or Kar becuase they don't understand me. Oh! And I can watch the Moomins! And sing Sininen Uni when mum does. Lots!)

”Mmuumeja, eh?” Linde nodded, approvingly. ”Ja mikä on suosikki asia sanoa?” Bam laughed expletively before leaning over and whispering in Oscar’s ear.
(Moomins, eh? And what is your favourite thing to say?)

”Vittu!” Milly gasped and cupped her hand over his mouth in shock, Bam leant over again whispering in his ear, Oscar pulled her hand away and giggled menacingly, he obviously knew he was saying bad words to evoke such a reaction from his mother. ”Perkele!”

”Oscar!” she screeched, not knowing whether to laugh or yell, ”Bam, stop it!”

”Perkele!” Bam cried with laughed, ”The little shit said perkele!”

”Perkele!” Oscar copied loudly, erupting into high pitched laughter.

”Vittu!” Bam yelped.

”Vittu!” copied Oscar. She lost it, her stomach hurt she was laughing so much. Everyone was doubling over in fits of hilarity as Oscar kept calling, ”Vittu! Vittu!” and ”Perkele!” of his own accord. No body noticed the sound of Seth entering the house, nor him clearing his throat as he stood listening to the three year old shout, ’Cunt’ and ’Fuck’ at the top of his lungs.

”Oh my god.” she said, composing herself quickly and again clamping her hand over Oscar’s mouth at the sight of an unimpressed Seth. Everyone tried to stop their laughter, but little snorts and hisses were coming from everyone. Bam was even wiping his eyes.

”Interesting words for a three year old to be screaming.” he remarked, humorlessly.

”Perkele.” Bam spat, choking on his own laughter causing everyone to snigger, including Milly.

”We were just being silly. Weren’t we kultaseni?” she said slowly releasing his mouth, nodding wide eyed.

”Just being silly.” he agreed. She looked to her partner and couldn’t place the vibe he was giving off.

”There’s plenty of food. The guys cooked me traditional Finnish food, it’s really good if-”

”I already ate, it’s okay.” he shrugged. ”Can we talk? Her stomach flipped. She really hadn’t had time to think about the fact that her having not told him the truth about her past was a breaking point. Not knowing exactly what to do or how to react, she was naturally drawn to Ville’s eyes.

”I, uh..”

”We’ll clean up and look after this little terror. Yeah, guys?” Ville suggested, standing and taking a hold of a couple of plates.

”Absolutely, yeah.” Gas opted, grabbing a serving dish and the empty wine bottles. She silently thanked them with a wry smile as she followed Seth out of the dining room. She followed him though the length of the house to her study which looked out over the garden and the pool. He held the door open and let her through, it all felt incredibly formal and quite frighteningly gut wrenching.

”So you’ve been missing since seven o’clock this morning.” she quipped, defensively. She clapped her hands on her thighs as took a seat on her deep, red velvet armchair, decidedly leaving him standing. He perched himself on the wooden reaching-step and joined his hands together, his elbows resting on his knees.

”I needed to just, you know.. think and shit.”

”Think and shit? You haven’t so much as said two words to me since I told you about Ville and I.”

”You guys were wasted playing with Oscar. That’s not responsible parenting. What, you’re going to let him grow up thinking that Mommy gets drunk and let’s men he’s only just met hurt her then falls asleep with them?”

”It wasn’t like that..”

”Milly, don’t you think it’s strange that he just turned up here?”

”Seth! He was just as fucking shocked as I was when you called me to meet them at the front door. I hadn’t seen, nor spoken to, him for almost four years. He came here to work with you because he thinks you have integrity as a record producer! How would he have known, in the whole word, that I was living in America, and even more so Los Angeles, specifically with you?! Grow up!” he growled angrily and stomped his foot on the ground before getting up and pacing backwards and forwards.

”How are you okay with him being here?” he spat.

”If I am, how are you not?”

”Answer my fucking question, Mal.”

”I wasn’t okay with it. I ignored it for your sake. Then he caught me off guard with this stupid pact we made when we were kids. We talked it out. We’ve grown up Seth, people move on. We’re allowed to be friends. Believe it or not, I have missed just having him as the buddy he first was to me.”

”I just.. Argh!” he dragged his hands through his hair and slumped himself down on the ottoman in front of her, ”This whole thing has thrown me, babe..” he said, his voice softening. ”I’ve raved on about HIM for years; about how much I want to work with them; how it would be a fucking dream come true; fuck, even about how I wish I could have even a morsel of Ville’s sex appeal, then I fucking find out, by accident, that you used to sleep with him.”

”For the sake of not making me sound like some meaningless groupie, I was in a commited relationship with him and have known him since I was seven years old. Can we just take that into account when saying, ’used to sleep with him’, please?” he sighed.

”Do you understand how that is fucking with me?”

”Sure I do.. but Seth, you have to understand, I kept it to myself for a reason. He hurt me, really bad. I didn’t want to think about him, let alone talk about him and detail our relationship and rehash how he fucked it up, with you, of all people.”

”But you listen to his music?”

”Because it’s excellent and beautiful and reminds me of happier times of my youth without having to think about ’just Ville’, I can think about the guys as well. I grew up with them Seth. I was there when this whole HIM thing started.. Their music is my youth.”

”But it’s about you.” he stated, poignantly. She shrugged.

”Some of it, I guess.”

”Don’t bullshit me.”

”Seth, even when I was with him his music was none of my business. I just enjoyed it. So what if it is about me? So what if all the heartbreak ridden newer stuff is too? Good for him, my heartbreak made him millions. Who cares?”

”I do.”

”If you can’t move past this, neither can our relationship. I will be maintaining my friendship with Ville from hereon-in and if you don’t like it, well, I don’t know Seth...”

”I want to adopt Oscar.” she honestly didn’t think she heard him correctly. But the serious look on his face confirmed what she thought she had heard.

”Are you kidding with me right now?” she asked, bemused, ”Three years and not a mention of adoption, now all of a sudden it’s a key point in your life? No.” she scorned, ”No. You’re bringing this up now because you’re worried I’m going to go and jump back into Ville’s fucking pants.” she laughed, ”You’re unbelievable. Unbelievable!” Angered, she stood up and took steps for the door, he grabbed her left hand and and held it between both of his.

”Mal, that isn’t why. I’ve been thinking about it a lot. I’m ready to adopt him as my son, seeing him cuddled up to Ville the other night and having Bam and whoever else play with him like a father would has just made me open my eyes.”

”Seth, stop it...” she requested, he was just jealous. Oscar hated sleeping with anyone but her, he had never fallen asleep next to or with Seth, but his first night in the proximity of Ville he curled up to him like a teddy bear. It was a comforting thought knowing that somehow, with nothing to do with her or their genes, Oscar and Ville were already connected.

”I want to marry you, I want to be a real family.” she scoffed. He knew from the beginning that marriage wasn’t on the cards at all.

”I really think you’re getting ahead of yourself, Seth.” she said cautiously.

”I love you, Mal.”

”Well.. I love you too. But, this is just being silly.” she said with an air of annoyance, ”I know you love me and I know you love Oscar, but there’s no need for all this official shit just because you’re jealous of my rekindled ’friendship’ with Ville. I told you, I don’t want you to adopt Oscar... His real dad made the decision to fuck up and if and when the time is right, there might come a point where he meets his dad and I don’t want an adoption form standing between that.”

”You think I’m being an asshole.”

”I don’t think, Seth. You are being an asshole. You’re being a jealous asshole when there is no need to be. I’m am still so mad at Ville, for reasons I refuse to discuss with you, because it’s none of your business; it’s between Ville and I. Yes, I know it’s a shitty situation, but I’m an adult and I’m going to act as such and so should you. I am rebuilding a friendship with an old friend, because I've been given the opportunity to and the sooner you realise that, the better.” he stared at her blankly. She threw her hands up in the air, exhausted from trying to talk to him when he was being purposefully unresponsive. For the past two and a half years, Seth had been perfect; never angry, never jealous, never unaccountable, never unreliable, but in the past three days, he had been all of those things and she couldn’t justify putting up with it for any reason. She had more important things worrying her than his jealousy.