Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

Seth had taken Oscar to his play date on the way to the studio leaving Milly to pack without disturbance, but more-so distraction, from her little man. There really wasn’t much to pack, her work things, laptop and warm clothes. She was done in less than an hour so picked out a book and got herself a bottle of water, she had a whole afternoon to spare and she wanted to spend it in her garden before she left for the cold of the East coast. It was particularly sunny today, but still with a slight nip in the air – it was her favourite kind of weather; the kind where you can wear a cardigan and jeans in the sun and be perfectly warmed by the sun on your face but still feel the slightest chill on your fingertips.

“Oh, hello. Sorry, I didn’t think anyone was home.” She said, stumbling on her own words.

“I had the same problem this morning.” Ville smiled; his face warm and kind, he was sitting cross legged, hunched over a tatty leather note book; lines were written and rewritten, some crossed out angrily and re-penned above it with passion.

“Ahh, so you’re the cleaning pixie.. I always knew you had to have hair that flowing for a reason.” She chuckled, “Writing another love song?” she asked as she sat on the grass besides him and his mug of black coffee. He closed the note book and placed his hands protectively on top of it.

“Something like that.”

“You’ve been here for weeks and I’ve not once asked about what you’re doing?” she asked with enthusiasm. Ville wondered why she had taken a sudden interest, but he knew her and he could see as plain as day that she was lonely. These past few weeks he had only see her with one friend, Gwen – one friend, in the whole of California? And of course, she had struck up a lasting friendship with Bam, but when he wasn’t around, she became like a small girl whose friends had all been picked up from the slumber party. It made her a wonderful parent and playmate for Oscar, she created whole worlds for him in their house; only the other day she had turned the dining room into a pirate ship, complete with blue fabric on the ground for the ocean and the incredibly heavy wooden table turned upside down and sheets tied on the legs for sails – but that was her, she was always so full of vim and vigor, imagination and adventure, he knew that Seth’s domesticated and rooted life in California was a huge burden for her to bare. He recognised the look in her eyes from when he used to leave for tour and she was unable to join due to work, though it only lasted for hour or so before he left then, it lingered ever present in her gaze now.

“Oh,” he started, getting his mind back on track, “we have a few complete tracks that we’ve been tweaking, I’ve just been writing a lot, so we’re just building the songs up from my shitty melodies and chicken scratch..” he said bashfully. Milly had always loved how he was so reserved about his talents, for as long as she’d known him he had been so humble about his ability to turn his hand to anything and do it wonderfully.

“Your melodies are never shitty.” She interjected sincerely. “Do you note them down now or still telephone people at three a.m. to remember a tune you hum?” he laughed, shifting his position on the ground so as they were facing each other more comfortably.

“I regret to say Mige has been copping those phone calls as of late.” Milly wasn’t aware that her body language mirrored her inner-wincing at the sounds of Mige’s name. Ville cocked his brow and slowly tilted his head back – Mige had reacted the exact same way when he had mentioned Milly’s name.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on between you two fools?” Milly scratched her forearm uncomfortably.

“I don’t know what you mean.” She lied through a smile, she hated that she had gotten so good at that, but it wasn’t fooling Ville.

“I suspected as much.” He mused, “Tell me the truth, Milly; I’m tired of feeling like everyone is keeping secrets behind my back.” Her heart thumped hard inside her chest, he knew people were keeping things from him. She wondered every second of every day if he suspected what was really being kept from him.

“He doesn’t approve of me encouraging your relationship with Jonna.”

“What?”

“He doesn’t app-“

“No, I heard what you said. I just mean,” He uttered, shaking his head, “you approve of my relationship with Jonna?”

“I never said approve.” She replied frankly. “I ‘encouraged’ it by making you call her, but as I explained to Mige, you’re engaged, of course I’m going to encourage you to honor that and keep in contact with her. I died with worry every time you didn’t answer your phone, but because you were a raging alcoholic – I can’t even imagine what it would be like for her with you being sober and not picking up. It’s heartbreaking.”

“So why has that pissed Mige off?” he asked, still confused as to what it had to do with his friend in the slightest. She drew breath deeply and shook her head as she did so.

“He’s angry because we were ‘the most in love people’ he’s ever known and I’m acting like nothing ever happened between us.”

As Ville always did when he was stressed out, he pinched the bridge of his nose as he frowned, “He’s never forgiven me for causing you to leave.” She did something she didn’t think she would ever do again, she reached out and touched his back to console him, and she meant it.

“He’s just throwing a tantrum; he obviously had ideas of this turning out differently. But we’re adults and as such can do things our own way. I’m with Seth, you’re getting married to Jonna - we’ve grown up. It’s a natural progression to just get over it and move on, right?” she smiled weakly, barely convincing herself.

“But, I don’t want to marry Jonna.” He said bluntly, his hand dropping from his face to let his eyes stare deep and truthfully into Milly’s.

“What?” It was like Oscar had just booted her in the chest, she felt winded and nauseous.

“I can’t. I look at her and I hate myself.” His gaze broke, he was on the brink of crying, “I… Her face when I kiss her, when we have sex, all I see in my head is your face when you came in the room, and it tears my heart out of my chest.” He curled his hand in hers, she was too engrossed in his remark about not wanting to marry Jonna that she barely noticed, “I love you. I’ve never stopped and never will. I can’t marry her. I won’t. I would rather be alone forever than marry what killed us.”

“Ville, I…”

“It’s taken seeing you, being in your house, imagining that this is what our house would have been like; picking books of the shelves and wishing mine were nestled in with yours; the smell of your perfume and lavender shampoo lingering in every room you walk through; the way you always sit with one leg curled under you; seeing you wriggle your nose in your sleep; all the things I forgot about over time.. I can’t find that in anyone else. I know you’re with Seth… I’m not asking you not to be.”

“Then what are you asking me?” she questioned quietly, finally realising Ville was holding her hand, but not doing anything about it.

“I’m selfishly asking you to be my best friend. I don’t want to not be a part of your life again: I’m asking you to let me be in your life after we leave next week. I’m asking you to answer my calls at 3a.m, to call me if you want an old friend to talk to… I’m asking you to want me in your life outside of me working with your partner.”

“Ville-“ she said, tugging her hand away from his quickly.

“Please.” She stood to her feet swiftly and began to walk away, much to the distress of Ville until he turned to see Seth headed towards them and realised that was the reason.

“Hey beautiful.” He swooned, scooping her up and kissing her, his eyes not closing but remaining on Ville – an act which terrified Ville to his core. Had he heard their conversation? Had he seen them holding hands?



Seth had returned home and called out for Mal, he knew Ville was home also and immediately became suspicious when neither of them responded to their names being called. He stormed up the stairs towards their bedroom, swinging the door open maniacally, only to laugh at himself and question if he honestly thought she was that stupid. He called out her name again to no reply. When he reached her study only to not find her there either, he pulled back the curtains to look out into the gardens to see if he could see her – he did, with Ville, together on the lawn deep in what appeared to be an emotional conversation and he didn’t like it.