Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

”You’ve been super quiet since we left, you okay dude?” Bam asked as he tore the top off of a sugar packet before tapping it into his coffee. Milly looked up from the airline magazine she had been handed by a stewardess and shrugged. ”You were waiting up for Ville, huh?”

”I don’t really know what I was doing. That’s what’s wrong.” she admitted.

”You guys were pretty lame at saying goodbye, I’ve never seen a wave so pathetic.” he chuckled. Seth had woken to see them off and joined her as she returned downstairs. Ville awkwardly waved as he headed towards the stairs, not wanting to linger in the room with both Seth and Milly too long.

”I kind sprung a hug on him before I got Oscar up.” she admitted to him, ”I’m really embarrassed about it, he probably thought I was an emotional idiot. I shouldn’t have done it.” she dragged her hands down her face, ”It’s really hard, Bam.” she said, her voice nervous, her fingers now playing with the thread on her sleeve. ”I just completely shut him off in my mind, it was instant, you know? Like a light switch.” she sighed, ”I never thought about what I would do if I saw him again.”

”You want to know something?” she nodded. ”Ville only spoke about you a few times to me, but each time he did, it was like, a weird new place for our friendship. He would get this look in his eye and this fluidity to his voice, it was like you had only been some kind of dream. He would panic about what he would do if he saw you again; what he would say, how he would act, if he would dare try and apologise.. This whole time he’s been in L.A, he’s been freaking out just as much as you have. I’ve barely seen the man eat he’s so nervous that he’ll say something to fuck up.”

”What are you saying?”

”That you hugging him probably made him feel like he didn’t completely destroy you and that’s so important to him.”

”But why would me hugging him show him that he didn’t destroy me? He did destroy me.”

”If he’d destroyed you, you wouldn’t have gone back and hugged him.”

”But I-”

”Look, there’s a lot of things wrong with both of you and both of your lives, I’m not in a position to say a thing to either of you, I just think that you’ll be okay. In the end.”

”What do you mean there are a lot of things wrong with both of us?”

”Milly! No more Ville talk! This is a holiday for you to get away, okay? Just chill.. Have a wine.”

”-it’s 6am.” she said bluntly.

”Have a juice then, just stop thinking.” he poked the center of her head forcefully. She couldn’t help but smile, it had been so long since someone had really looked out for her.



An hour or so into the flight, Oscar was wide awake and ecstatic that he was finally flying through the air. Milly watched as Bam held him up on his lap and pointed to clouds in the passing sky, much to Oscar’s delight. ”Bam..” she started.

”Yeah?”

”You never told me why Missy didn’t want a kid.”

”I didn’t?” he thought aloud. She shook her head. He lifted the arm rest and shuffled into the seat next to her, plopping Oscar down in the window seat to continue being amazed by the sky.

”You want the short answer or the itemised list?”

”I’m going to have to say itemised.” she smiled fondly, placing her hand on his knee reassuringly.

”She thinks I’m ’irresponsible and volatile, bad with money, that friends always come first, that I let Ape and Phil do all the work around the house, that I don’t fully understand the hard work and heartache that goes into being a parent, that I won’t give up touring or being a Jackass’...”

”That’s a lot of reasons.”

”But she doesn’t get that I’d give all of it up in a second to be linked to Missy for life by something that we both created and share equally. It’s like, the ultimate fucking partnership. And it would be the most banging kid, she’s the hottest woman – how could I not want to impregnate her?”

”It is hard Bam. Suddenly your no longer scared that you’ll die, you’re scared that you’ll leave your kid without a parent. You spend every minute of your life sending out hopes and prayers to the universe that your kid won’t die and leave you a hollow mess.”

”But it’s worth it though, yeah?” he said, turning and looking fondly at the small boy he’d come to cherish.

”It was the defining moment of my life, becoming his mum.”

”Don’t you ever feel bad, even a little, that Ville doesn’t know?”

”I did very rarely before, but now it tears me apart.”

”He won’t even get mad. Oscar is just too cool dude.”

”I doubt it. I know Ville, I know the rage he gets in his eyes. The way things stew and bubble over inside of him.”

”He’s changed a lot more than I think you realise, Milly. You leaving him was a wake up call. He’s sober, he exercises, he eats well.. Well, was eating well. He doesn’t smoke a whole packet of cigarettes a day.”

”If he’s still in LA when I leave Philly, I’ll tell him.” she said somberly. ”I promise.”

”Hey,” he said, wrapping his arm around her, ”I’ll be there every step of the way. Promise.”

”Thanks Bam.”

”You just have to do something for me.” he grinned.

”What?” she asked, semi nervously.

”I want to borrow your son as Missy-bait.”

”Missy bait?”

”Yeah.” he nodded, ”I want her to see what a good parent I can be. Just let me look after him whilst you work. Not Ape, because she will try and convince you to let her look after him, apparently she shares the same views as Missy.”

”Oh, Bam..”

”I will win her back with the cuteness of your child.”

”Bam, you would win her back regardless.” she smiled, ”But, of course you can utilise my small child as a pawn in your grand scheme.” she laughed lightly.



”Hey, Ville..” Seth asked, as he shut the door behind Bam, Milly and Oscar. Ville stopped on the stairs and turned to Seth.

”Yeah?”

”Why did you cheat on Mal?” a hard, painful lump formed in Ville’s throat. He couldn’t believe Seth was asking him this. He swallowed hard and tapped his fingers on his mug of tea.

”It was a long, long time ago.”

”I know that, but why?” he persisted.

”Because I was a fool who couldn’t see the perfection that had been placed in my horrible little life.”

”But you’re still with the chick, Jonna? Right?”

”Through lack of better judgement, I am, yes.”

”And your relationship with her is good?” Ville was confused as to why Seth was so casually asking questions about the relationship he had maintained with the harlot that ruined his relationship.

”For her, yes.”

”What do you mean, for her?”

”For me, I could never love another. This relationship I hold with Jonna, is penance for what I did to Milly. It may make you uncomfortable to hear, but Milly was the love of my life, my soul mate if you will, that kind of love doesn’t die. I could have never seen her again and I would still feel the same way.”

”And Jonna, you love her though, yeah?”

”I love that she loves me.”

”I don’t understand?”

”If she wasn’t around to love me, I fear no one would. Maybe Bam, but I couldn’t close my eyes and imagine his body was that of another late at night.”

”I appreciate your honesty.” Seth replied, sincerely.

”I appreciate you not punching me over said honesty.” Ville nodded, ”But, if I may ask, why you want to know these things?”

”No reason. Just, curiosity.”

”I should hope so.” Ville said as he turned on his heel and returned to ascending the stairs. He couldn’t help but feel Seth was trying to gather research, he felt interrogated. He was worried.