Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

”Not even mad the water mains broke anymore.” Bam nodded, his cheek puffed out with pizza. Milly concurred as she cut Oscar’s slice of pizza into more manageable slices for his small hands. ”So, what do you want to do tonight?” he asked, wiping his mouth with his napkin. She wanted to be overwhelmed that she was now in New York, but she prepared herself for time with Bam, so really, it didn’t surprise her that he made the snap decision to come to New York early.

”Well,” she swallowed her mouthful, ”you said Missy was here for a work conference?” Bam nodded, ”Let’s go find her.” she smiled. He pulled out his phone and called her, it took three calls before she answered him.

”Babe, I’m in New York.” he said, softly. Milly could only guess that she wasn’t best pleased with receiving his call. Bam had told her that they hadn’t exactly left things on good terms the last time they saw each other. He told her what hotel they were staying at and that he wanted her to come over and talk. Judging by the coy smile on Bam’s face, she had agreed, which in turn made Milly smile. ”All systems are go.” he grinned, ending the phone call. ”She’s going to love him.”

”I’ve no doubt in my mind that it’s you she’ll love...”

”You’re a really nice person, Milly.” he said, sincerely.

”Well, thank you Bam.” she laughed, ”You’re a nice person too.”

”I’m a nice person three.” Oscar added, cramming a piece of pizza crust into his mouth.



”Bam, you’re panicking.” Milly said sternly, pulling dinosaur after dinosaur out of her handbag and putting them on the floor in front of her son. He pulled off his hat and ran a hand through his hair.

”I know.”

”It’ll be fine. Just call me if you need me, okay? I’m going to be in the bar working on some designs.” He paced over and embraced her, she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him reassuringly. His panic was endearing. ”He’s eaten, so he’ll be fine. It’s too late for secret pudding, so just milk and a cookie if he’s hungry.” Bam nodded. Milly straightened his scarf and patted his chest. ”Lovely.”

”Thank so much, Milly.” he smiled as she pulled open the hotel room door.



She had rang five times already and each time it had rung out to voice-mail. She finally called the phone in her house, which was answered after four or so rings. ”Hello, Matilda’s house.”

”Gas!” she exclaimed.

”Milly hey, how’s Bam’s?”

”I’m in New York, The Note flooded, so we detoured.” she laughed softly.

”Oh..”

”Yeah, um...” she started, confused by his flat response, ”Is Seth around? I can’t get a hold of him?”

”He’s at the studio, he probably can’t answer. Want me to get him to call you when he gets back?”

”Yes please.” she smiled, affirmatively.

”You, you haven’t heard from Ville have you?” Gas asked, concern in his tone.

”No? Why, what’s wrong?”

”Oh, nothing.” he said, his voice lifting, ”Just wondering.”

”Right.” she responded, unconvinced.

”Hey I have to go, I’ll tell Seth to call you!”

”Oka-” he had hung up before she could reply. She set her phone down and stared at it with a grimace, completely perplexed by the whole conversation. Why would Gas have been worrying about Ville? He was a grown man who could come and go, without contact, as he pleased. She left her belongings at her two person window table, safe in the knowledge that it would still be there when she returned, and approached the bar for another drink. ”Scotch, please.” she smiled at the bartender. She could hear screaming and a whole lot of commotion from the lobby as she handed the bartender a twenty and refused to take the change. ”Does that happen often?”

”Everyday, miss. It’s a popular hotel for the young and famous. Your head would explode in shame if you knew how many crotch shots where taken just outside the hotel doors.” he smirked.

”I wonder who it is?” she smiled, assuming it was probably Bam being mobbed by a crowd of women, ”I wonder if there’s a corresponding crotch shot?” she chuckled, mostly to herself at the notion. ”Thank you.” she smiled, taking her glass and heading back to her table. She had told herself she was working, but really she was staring mindlessly at the pictures in fixture and fabrics catalogs whilst thinking about what Bam had said on the plane. She wondered if the natural progression from anger to forgiveness was interrupted by the arrival of Oscar? Had she started to get over what he had done to her? To their relationship. She took a large mouthful of her drink, rolled her head back and squeezed her eyes shut. There was no easy way out of her situation and she knew it, she thought as she swallowed the heavy liquid.

”Well, well, well.. If it isn’t Miss Matilda Rocket Fuel...” a very smug, very familiar voice chorused as it pulled back the opposite chair and promptly took a seat in it. Her eyes sprung open and she rolled her head forward with expectant eyes. ”Nice hair, grow it yourself?” he jested, swigging from his beer bottle.

”Silly me, I should have known things can always get worse.”

”Ha, ha.” he replied, dryly. ”How are you kid?”

”Superb.” she smirked, ”Yourself?”

”Supercalifragilistic-”

”-expiali-dickhead?”

”You flatter me.”

”Well, as a male you’d have to have one somewhere if not resting on your tiny balls.”

”Ooh, spicy.” he winced, playfully, ”Tell me, why is it I always find myself speaking only English to you?” she rolled her eyes.

”I don’t recall?” she lied.

”Because we just sound sexier, don’t you think? It’s nice to have two complete packages.” he winked. She laughed, since he had first said that to her, they had treated each other like old catty queens to make light of an awkward shared memory from their past. ”How are you babe, you look stressed?” he asked, picking up her hand and kissing it, his cold nose chilly against her skin.

”Oh, it’s nothing.” she responded, shaking her head. ”Just tired.”

”Uhuh, uhuh..” he said, nodding his head as if he weren’t listening, ”I met your kid just before.”

”What?”

”Yeah, well, I assume it was your kid, it was with Bam and where he found a child I have no idea, but he said he was here with you, then I looked at it and it looks a lot like you, just less...” he said, grabbing a piece of her hair and tugging it, ”auburn.” She nodded, thoroughly confused by him speaking so fast.

”Yes, my son. He,” she said with extra emphasis to stop him from saying ’it’, ”is called Oscar.”

”You never tell me anything.” he pouted, swigging his beer again. She laughed.

”I haven’t seen you for years Jus..”

”Could have called.” he shrugged.

”Could have. Didn’t... Sorry.” she apologised truthfully, ”You know why I didn’t call.”

”Yeah, yeah.. Big mouth Jussi.”

”Precisely. Sorry hun. Let me get you another beer?” she offered.

”No thanks babe, I’ve got moister places to be.”

”Moister?” she questioned, the sky had been threatening snow through it’s icy skies all day. He graphically gestured with his fingers exactly what he meant, she scoffed and slapped his hands away, ”You sicken me.” she laughed.

”Don’t be a prude.”

”I am not a prude.” she exclaimed.

”And boy don’t I know it.” he growled, touching behind her ear as he stood up.

”I don’t think it’s possible that you’ll mature.” she scoffed. ”Are you staying at this hotel?” he nodded.

”Why? Want some late night almost sex?” he asked, raising a brow suggestively.

”You should be so lucky.”



Helsinki, 2000

”Matilda.” Jyrki sang to her, his voice deep and smooth. ”Cheer up my little cherry bomb.” she half smiled and put a cigarette to her lips. ”Chain smoking isn’t going to fix anything.”

”No? Then why do you do it?”

”To look cool, of course.” he responded jovially. He protectively pulled her closer to his side and rubbed his hand up and down her arm. ”When are you two going to come to your senses?” he pondered aloud, lighting her smoke and one for himself.

”I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

”Don’t play coy little rabbit. You’re upset because Ville went home with that girl.” she shook her head and laughed.

”No, I’m upset because it’ll be another relationship that fails and I’ll have to be there to pick up the pieces. If he used his brain and not his prick to make relationship choices, my job would be a lot easier.”

”Hmm.” he nodded, stoically, ”And that role is what?”

”He’s my best friend, Jyrki. Nothing more. I care about him, of course I’m going to be annoyed.”

”He gets annoyed too, what of that? I’ve seen it, you went home with that guitarist a few weeks back and he needlessly punched a wall when someone told him. Does that say nothing to you?”

”It says that he was pissed because he’s not exactly Jukka’s biggest fan. You know that.”

”I think you’re fools.”

”Well, think away. I’m going to get Jussi drunk and maybe find myself a guitarist, to take pity on me and show me somewhat of a good time.” she grimaced at what she had said, ”Not like that.” she stated clearly, ”I don’t mean..” she groaned, ”I’m just going to get fucking drunk, okay.”

”Because you’re in love with Ville.” Jyrki added.

”No. Fuck. No...” she protested, ”Because... Because I’m a good best friend.”

”Fuck the pain away, fuck the pain away.” he sang, quietly. It annoyed her.

”I’m not doing that.” she said irritably, ”That isn’t what I’m-” she became frustrated and threw her cigarette on the ground, ”Fuck off, Jyrki.”



”Ei, ei, ei, ei, ei...” he repeated, wiggling his finger in front of him as he silently belched, ”We will forever talk in English only, starting now.”
(No, no, no, no, no...)

”Miksi?” Milly asked, holding onto the arm of his that was draped around her neck, for support as they walked up the dark street.
(Why?)

”Because we just sound sexier, don’t you think? It’s nice to have two complete packages.”

”Complete packages?”

”Yeah, see, we’re hot.. We’re... We’re really hot...” he exclaimed, lustfully gazing his eyes on her body, ”but when we speak Finnish, we sound insane to the world Matilda, everybody thinks so. But, when we speak English, everybody wants to have sex with us.” she laughed heartily as they came to a stop outside Jussi’s door. ”No really.”

”Uhuh.” she replied, unconvinced as she practically melted into his sofa, thankful to no longer be standing. The alcohol had really taken it’s toll on her balance capabilities, but as she reminded herself, she did set out to get ’Jussi drunk’ and apparently succeeded. She could hear the clinking of glasses as she rested her head against the couch arm with her eyes closed. Next thing she knew Jussi was holding her legs up and sliding himself underneath them, then repositioning them across his lap.

”Here.” he said, stuffing a glass into her hand. He ripped the cork out the bottle with his teeth and spat it onto the floor, ”This shit is lethal. ” she smelt it and winced. It was almost repugnant.

”What the hell is it?”

”It’s my pirate rum. Timo makes it.”

”Of course he does.” she sniggered, manning up and taking a gulp. ”Ergh.” Jussi’s face crumpled. ”What?”

”I have cola.” he smirked, ”Jesus.”

”Shut up you big girl. It’s not even that bad.” he twisted his face as if to say, ’seriously?’. She relented, ”Okay, it’s heinous. May I please have some cola in my rocket fuel?”

”Of course.” They reclined together, enjoying the dulcet tones of London After Midnight and talking about all the awful dates they had been on in the past few weeks. Slowly the conversation deteriorated into incredibly drunk ramblings and hysteric laughter, before tumbling perilously into a rampant teenage-style making out session.

It wasn’t until they were seconds away from making that ’drunk friend mistake’ that Jyrki’s words sped across her mind. It was like a light had gone off. It was precisely what she was doing. She was upset that he had gone home with someone, he was the reason she didn’t keep dating people long. It did break her heart every time he talked about the girl he had seen the night before. Jyrki was right, she was in love with Ville.

”I’m in love with Ville.” she blurted. He stopped abruptly, his fingers hovering above her pelvis bone. His lips pulling away from behind her ear.

”Ah, so my penis being pressed against your thigh isn’t cool right now, huh?” he smiled, kindly. She shook her head. He moved off of her and handed her her shirt back before adjusting his pants. ”It’s not news to me, you know.”

”That’s embarrassing.”

”No.” he shook his head, ”It’s great. You too are something else altogether. Silly of me to think I could compete.”

”Jus,” she started, ”I’m sorry.” she said, feeling utterly ashamed. He sat himself down next to her and handed her her drink back, taking his too and finishing it in two mouthfuls.

”Don’t be. Hey, I got to almost bang the hottest, loveliest gal I know. It was a very good night for me, don’t you worry about it.” he clinked his glass against hers and she laughed softly, before covering her face with her hand.

”I feel like an idiot.”

”Think of it as that realisation gay people have.” he laughed, she didn’t follow and her expression heavily showed this, ”You’re the gay guy who didn’t truly know for sure he was a gay guy until he almost banged a woman..” she still didn’t follow, he grinned, ”I’m your woman. I’m your fag hag.”

”That is the... most stupid thing I have ever fucking heard.” she said dryly. ”You’re my fag hag?” she burst into laughter, her whole body was shaking – whether it was the booze, the adrenaline from almost having sex or the crushing realisation that she was desperately in love with her best friend – all she could do was laugh.