Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

”So are you going to tell me how it so happens that you’re in New York now, or shall I keep entertaining myself with answers?” Bam frowned, trying to get his match to ignite.

” Coincidence.” Ville shrugged simply, enjoying the crisp air on his cheeks.

”No such thing.” Bam shook his head dismissively, Ville smirked.

”Fate?” he offered dismissively.

”Bullshit.”

”ESPN..”

”Jyrki?”

”Of course it was Jyrki. That man won’t rest until Milly and I are buried in the same heart shaped box.” he exhaled a large cloud of smoke that wilted and lingered in the chilly air, ”He forwarded me your text, I was sitting at a cab rank when I got it and I just left..”

”You were sitting at a cab rank with changes of clothes in a bag?”

”I was, yes.”

”What’s going on with you man?”

”Jonna is pregnant.” he mumbled, still not having wrapped his head around it, ”She’s in L.A, right now, to see me.. I just, I can’t.”

”Fuck, Ville... I.. Dude.” he placed a hand comfortingly on his friends shoulder, Ville reached up and patted it with appreciation for his concern. ”How pregnant is she?” Ville shrugged and shook his head.

”I don’t know. I stopped listening after she told me at the hospital; she said the words and all I could see in front of me, though the window in the door, was Milly.. I felt like I’d betrayed her all over again. I haven’t spoken to her since.”

”And now she’s here?”

”Yeah..”

”Jesus H...” Bam sighed, wiping the corners of his mouth with his forefinger and thumb. ”What are you going to do?”

”I don’t know. Mige called last night in a state, shouting about leaving them to deal with her. She went in Milly’s house – do you know how disgusting that makes me feel?” Bam bit down on his lip and patted his hand to Ville’s back again, he had been inwardly battling wanting to tell Ville about Oscar for days, the same way he was now battling the urge to run and tell Milly about Jonna. He asked himself how could two people he cared deeply for, have gone so wrong in their lives without one another?

”After she left, where did she go?”

”I don’t know, Kat’s shop – I had a text from her saying that she’d been in asking for me.. But now, I don’t know.”

”Are you going to tell Milly?” Ville nodded.

”Of course, but not until I have processed it myself. I don’t love her Bammy, but she’s having my kid. The first child I’ll bring into this ungodly world will be from the woman that was the spoke in the wheel of my everything.. I disgust myself. Satan is playing cruel tricks on me for what I did..”

”What now?”

”Now.. Now we find our lady friends and the nipper and we go have food and enjoy our time together, and I don’t think about the shit heap my life will become being eternally tied to Jonna and I pretend that, for this time I’m with her, nothing came between Milly and I, and we are as we were..”

”You’re torturing yourself.”

”Just being near her is enough, it’s not torture at all.”



Central Park, 7 p.m.

”You alright hunny-pie? You’ve seemed a bit off all afternoon?” Ape remarked, wrapping her arm around Milly and hugging her to her side as they walked towards the open air stage the carol performance was being held at, ”Everything okay?”

”I’m just a bit tired is all.” Milly replied, her boots crunching down on the well trodden snow that covered Central Park.

”Telling Ville playing on your mind?” she asked quietly.

”No, actually.. It’s um,” she said, her voice catching in her throat, ”nothing, it’s nothing. Really.”

”Oh! Hot cocoa!” she exclaimed, pointing at a cute booth stationed just off the path. ”Anybody want one? I do!”

”Ohh, yes please.” Missy lamented. Everyone else declined politely, save for Bam who exclaimed that ’hot cocoa ain’t cool unless there’s booze in it or you’re a pensioner’, causing Ape to roll her eyes.

”Okay! Milly’s going to help me carry it, we’ll catch you up!” she insisted, stopping and letting them walk ahead. Milly knew what she was playing at, and appreciated it immensely. ”Don’t say a word yet.” Ape instructed, ”You take a seat over there and I’ll get some cocoas.” Without a word Milly did as she was told, within a minute April had returned and was handing Milly the steaming sweet drink which she eagerly accepted to warm her hands. ”Now, start from the beginning..”

”Gwen called me, at lunch time.. about Seth.” she began, sniffing quickly as she stopped, ”This whole time, since we met, he’s had this whole other life.”

”What ever do you mean ’whole other life’?” Ape grimaced, thoroughly confused.

”He has a daughter.”

”What?” Ape asked, disbelievingly.

”Nora. She was born around the time Seth and I met.”

”And the mother?” Milly began to sob, the realisation hitting her hard that Seth had all but rubbed his double life in her face on multiple occasions. ”Oh, oh, oh... Come on now.” April squeezed her leg reassuringly before tucking the hair behind Milly’s ears in a very motherly fashion.

”She’s been in my house so many times. He introduced her as a good friend of his brothers.” she cried, ”I’ve cooked her dinner, lent her clothes..” she said angrily, ”And this whole time.. It’s just happened all over again. Milly blind to everything!” she laughed self deprecatingly. ”I’ve been walked all over and used.. He’s been living in my house, I built his studio.. I built a home for my family and this whole time he already had one that he couldn’t tell me about. That’s what I don’t understand.. Why didn’t he tell me?” April shook her head and patted Milly’s leg.

”I don’t know sweetie, I just don’t know.”

”You guys are going to miss it!” Phil panted from behind them, causing them to turn quickly towards him, ”Come on.. You can have lady talks later, the little feller is all excited.”

”I’m here for you, okay, anything you want to talk about, anytime, I’m a phone call away. I hate to see someone my Bam cares about like this, you’re a part of the family now, so, treat us like family.”

”I promise.” Milly nodded.

”Now come on, put this to the back of your mind, your son has his first carols to see.” she smiled, standing up and extending her hand for her to take, whilst holding a cup holder in the other, ”Hopefully you can pry Missy off.”

Missy handed Oscar to his mum happily in exchange for her cocoa, Milly nestled her nose into Oscar’s hair and found herself immediately comforted by his scent. She looked at his big eyes, taking in the glittering fairy lights and snow laden trees in all their fantastic wonder and realised that as much as anyone hurt her, they could never hurt her child and ultimately that was all that mattered but it didn’t stop any of it hurting any less. The chatter in the crowd died out as the choir master took his place on the stage, she was so taken by the atmosphere surrounding her that she didn’t hear Ville speak beside her. ”Are you okay?” he asked again, his eyes soft with worry. She opened her mouth to answer but the choir loudly commenced singing a beautiful rendition of Silent Night. Oscar soon became fidgety, wanting to try his luck at playing with Bam. Milly relented and placed him down onto the ground next to Bam, she straightened his hat and smiled kindly at Bam’s enthusiasm of scooping Oscar up and hanging him upside down. Turning her attention back to the singing it enveloped her, and made her feel vulnerable and open and scared. The choir began signing O Holy Night, a song that her mother used to sing her as a child every Christmas eve, upsetting her further that she hadn’t seen her family in a very long time because of Seth not wanting to leave because of his ’fear’ of flying. Three tears tumbled down her cheek, she quickly raised her hand to knock them away before anyone noticed. But Ville noticed. He took her hand, entwining his fingers in hers and stroking his thumb back and forth nervously. She turned and looked down at their hands and then to him, where he repeated his question by mouthing, ’Are you okay?’. To which she mouthed back with great sadness, ’No.’