Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

“This house is fucking nice!” Bam mused, as he walked up the stairs with his friend. “Didn’t realise Seth could afford shit like this.”

“He probably can’t,” the tall Finn laughed, “I'll bet you he’s shacking up with a rich girl with penchant for long haired bad boys.”

“So long as she’s got tits and a good ass dude, it's been a total dick-fest hanging with you guys this past week.” Bam laughed, ringing the doorbell. "I miss Missy." he added succinctly.

“Hey dudes.” Seth warmly smiled as he opened the door. He was an attractive man, shoulder length hair messily kept back with a wrap around head band. Athletically toned body, framed usually by his lackadaisical styled clothes. He was kind and always polite, everyone he met instantly fell in love with his charm; even Ville would admit that the first time they had encountered, he had developed somewhat of a man crush.

“Thanks again for letting us impose ourselves Seth, you’re a good man.” Ville couldn't stress enough that it wasn't necessary that they stayed with him and that the idea of being an imposition was worse to him then missing a few days of recording, but as hard as he resisted, Seth insisted.

“It’s nothing, we’ve got plenty of space and my girl is fine with it; come in, come in!” he smiled. “Oh, Mal!” he called into the house as Bam and Ville followed him into the entryway, “Come meet the guys!”

Ville's heart pounded so hard against his chest that it felt like it stopped beating altogether. His stomach dropped to his feet. He felt like he was in a rollercoaster that had simultaneously dropped from the highest peak, and crashed into the wall at the end. Her hair was different - it was so much longer now, her natural wavy auburn tumbling over her shoulders, a far cry from the choppy dark hair she had preferred for as many years as he could remember. Her face had changed but only in ways someone who had spent hours looking at her would notice, her eyes looked older, and her cheeks had started to hollow, but only slightly. He had wondered so often what she looked like and what she was doing. She stood rigidly, staring at him as intently as he stared at her - all for a second - her chest rising and falling harshly before she bent down and reached for the paint pot she had dropped. The splatter of paint on her face didn't even register in his mind until he saw it all over the floor. He didn’t know what to do, he was frozen.

“Oh shit...” Bam choked out, slightly shocked, touching Ville's arm lightly, noticing a child appear as Seth lurched forward to help Milly clean up the paint.

“Mummy!” he laughed, waddle-running up behind her and throwing his arms over her shoulders, clinging on to her back, smearing his small paint-covered hands on her face and neck some more as he grappled for leverage to pull himself up onto her. “Why aren’t you finding me anymore?” she flipped him over her shoulder as she stood up and balanced him on her hip.

“Because we've made a silly mess and because it’s time for bed.” she said seriously, making a subconscious point of turning his face away from Ville.

“Oh, babe, he can stay up a while longer; introduce him to the guys.” she shook her head.

“No, he’s tired, I'm covered in paint.. come on.” She said as she walked away. He stopped her and grabbed Oscar from her arms. “Seth.”

“Babe, chill out.” He laughed, having no idea how much she wanted to leave so she could throw up, or cry, maybe even both. “Guys, the paint covered cutie is my girlfriend, Mal. And this little gremlin, is Oscar.” He said, stepping closer to them. “Say hello, Os.”

“Hello!” he waved, planting his not-waving hand on Seth’s face, not that there was any paint left on it after wiping it all over his mother.

“Os, this is Bam.”

“Hey little dude.” Bam said tickling Oscar’s belly with one finger.

“And this is Ville.” Ville couldn’t take it all in, first the love of his life was standing there right before him then he was being introduced to her child? Her child… He looked to Milly who was clutching her forehead, then back to the little boy. He had stunning green eyes, just like hers and bouncing chocolate curls framing his cheeky face. “And this is Ville.”

“Hello little one” he smiled purposefully, completely aware his face was no doubt showing signs of shock and awe having been completely blindsided by not only Milly, but a child calling her Mummy.

“Right, enough now Seth, I need to get him cleaned and into bed.” She said sternly, walking over and taking her son. She took him from Seth without her eyes even drifting towards Bam or Ville and immediately made her way upstairs.

“Mal!” he called after her, “Mal!” he grunted, “Huh, don’t know what’s gotten into her.” He muttered to himself, “Little man wears her out this time of night I guess.”

Having bathed Oscar and finally gotten him to sleep; she listened but couldn’t hear voices, so gingerly made her way downstairs, figuring that Seth had taken them out to the garage studio. She pawed at her face with the back of her hand, small peelings of paint rolling off with the abrasion of skin on skin as she padded in a confused daze into the kitchen. Before she noticed, he had heard her and stood to his feet from sitting at the kitchen bench top, the movement startling her into panic. “I, uh..” she mumbled as she turned on her heel to walk away. He launched after her, grabbing her arm gently, “Don't.” she pleaded, pulling her arm free as she immediately felt her body relent at the familiarity of his touch. She met his eyes for less than a second, before the ball in her throat tightened and she moved away.

“Please,” he said hoarsely. His smell, still unchanged from years ago, lingered in the air; inhaling deeply, losing herself for a moment she took in the musty smell of tobacco, the lingering scent of his cologne, even the sweet smell of his skin. “I didn’t know, I promise. Do you think if I did I would just waltz in here?” he asked heatedly as he followed her across the room, she didn't know what to say, “Milly..” he plucked the one heart string that could make her crumble, the nickname he had given her as children. She self-consciously pulled her arms across her body, holding her cardigan against her.

“Don’t call me that...” she begged quietly, before coldly adding, “Seth, he doesn’t know about you. No one does.".

“Oh.” He replied solemnly. Milly stood in front of her fridge and dragged her hands across her face, itchy from the paint. Sighing heavily, she pulled open the doors and took a beer from the shelf before sitting down at the kitchen island, twisting the cap of the bottle and taking a deep mouthful. She set the bottle down against the cold marble with a clink, with her head swarming, she pressed her finger tips to her lips as if to stop herself speaking and finally looked at him. “I came after you," he blurted, stepping forward two paces, "I was at the boarding gate, begging, they wouldn't let me on the flight." his head shook slightly, desperately hurling words out of his mouth to fill the silence of the last 4 years, "I got to Paris and was looking for you the next day. I went everywhere I thought you might go, places we loved…” he sighed, realising mid-sentence that telling her was as useless as his searching had been.

“Why?” she asked, shrugging her shoulders, knowing with how angry she was how little difference it would have made.

“I wanted to explain.” he insisted with a gravel to his voice.

“You fucked Jonna in our bed, what more is there to explain?” she spat, slapping her hand against the counter. His whole body winced at her saying what he did aloud, he felt violently sick, but persisted, moving closer to the counter, closer to his Milly.

“Why I did it.”

“I believe your answer was, ‘she was just here’, Ville.” He bit down on his lip hard, she watched him shuffle uncomfortably. Though she could feel herself wanting to be mesmerised by every move he made having missed him for so long, she realised quickly she was still bitterly angry and hurt.

“Yes. It was, wasn’t it…” He replied, ashamed. She exhaled softly and shifted in her seat, she gestured towards a stool opposite.

"Would you sit? You're making me anxious." he naturally obeyed, not wanting to make the situation more awkward than it clearly already was.

“You could have called?” she said tentatively, after a minute or so of them sitting in complete silence staring at their hands.

“I spiralled when I couldn't find you... When I realised the gravity of what I had done, what I had jeopardised. ”

“You mean you gave up?” she asked, averting his gaze. His reply was on the tip of his tongue when Milly sprung into action, having noticed Oscar waddled into the room.

“What are you doing out of bed mister?” she cawed, dismounting her stool and swooping him up with a graceful ease. He rubbed his eye with a balled up, tiny fist.

“You didn’t finish the story.” He whined. Ville watched enamoured and perplexed with the sight of Milly with a child, though she had purposefully turned her back to him to shield the boy.

“Oh now, that's a little lie. You know exactly how that story finished.” she said sternly.

“I want a drink?” he asked. Ville couldn't help but quietly laugh.

“Well I don’t know, do you want a drink? Or did I not finish the story?”

“Drink!” he beamed.

“Of course you want a drink.” she muttered, turning back to set about getting him some warm milk. She set him down on the floor behind the island, out of view from Ville, to free up her hands, but turning around not one second after putting him down, he’d run off and clambered under the kitchen table. “Oscar,” she said seriously, “its adult time now, come here please.” He giggled and climbed out, she handed him his milk and he zoomed off and hid behind Ville’s legs. Naturally, and quite surprisingly to himself, he reached down and swooped the boy up, tickling his belly with his finger as he held him in the crook of his arm. Oscar squealed in excitement that someone else thought it was play time. Ville sat him down on the counter and they both looked at Milly, it made her stomach quiver seeing the resemblance in their eyes. She took him away from Ville and sat him in-front of her, with his back to Ville. “Sorry, he gets like this when there are people in the house; he’s a bit of an attention seeker.” Ville shook his head and smiled.

“How old is he?” she wanted so badly to lie to him, but the ‘3 Today’ cards that Oscar refused to let her throw away still proudly adorning the fridge.

“He just turned 3 just over a month ago.”

“Seth’s a lucky guy.”

“Seth isn’t my daddy! But we still love him.” he said happily, ending with a small milky burp. She smiled at him and rubbed his head, she wanted to burst into flames. Ville was confused.

“Yes we do baby, now come on, finish your milk.” Ville watched as he rested his head on her chest, holding her curls between his fingers as he lulled himself to sleep. She stroked her hand through the boys chocolate locks, as she quickly took a mouthful of her beer with her other hand.

“Seth isn't his-"

"No." she interrupted, "I slept with someone, in Paris."

"Oh." she could see the disappointment in his face that she was essentially telling him she had slept with someone immediately after leaving him. She knew he was no fool and would connect the timeline dots quickly and validate her story in terms of Oscar's parentage, she just prayed that was all the dots he'd connect.

"He’s beautiful.” Ville noted with a smile, he always known she would give birth to beautiful children, he had just always thought they would be his.

“He’s a little handful.” She sighed, tiredly but full of love. Motherhood suited her, he thought.

“Babe!” Seth announced, entering the kitchen loudly as he was slightly drunk, upon realising Oscar was in the room he winced and became quiet, “What’s little man doing up?” he said, kissing the top of his head.

“Just being a part of it.” he kissed her lightly, causing Ville to avert his gaze, a pit of bile dropping in his stomach. He picked up her beer and took a mouthful. “I might take him up to bed now actually-“

“Take Ville up and show him Oscar's room, he’ll love it!” Seth suggested with gusto.

“Oh, I don’t think-“

“Nonsense, he'll fucking love it; go on!” she scowled at Seth for being so obtuse, holding on to Oscar’s head and standing up, she then threw an awkward glance at Ville. She could hear Seth continuing to carry on about it as she left the kitchen, Ville in tow. This whole night was causing her to feel numb; she didn’t know how to take any of the goings on. All of a sudden he was back and bold as ever, right there, slap bang in the middle of her life and unbeknownst to him, his son’s life too.

“Mummy.” Oscar grumbled, handing his sip cup back to her and snuggling closer to her neck. She kissed his head as she mounted the landing, Ville closely behind.

“Let's put your special lights on.” she cooed quietly. Entering his room, Mal flicked on the lights which cast the Helsinki night sky across his bedroom, engulfing him the city skyline and star constellations he loved so much. Ville smiled, this lamp had been a gift from his parents when Milly had spent a semester in New York, to remind her of home.

"Milly, you-"

"I know."

-----

Milly gently closed the door behind her, Oscar having fallen asleep quickly after being put back into his bed. When she turned around Ville was looking at her awkwardly, visibly not knowing what to do with his hands or face he was so nervous. She had never felt how she was feeling before, she wanted to hit something, to cry, to disappear. “So…” he said with an awkward shrug.

“I can’t even look at you on the television without feeling nauseous, Ville.” She replied seriously, “And right now, I feel like I’m back at our bedroom door..." sighing heavily she shook her head stopping herself before she got upset and started to walk away, "I can't deal with this right now.” He looked away, shamed as she left him standing outside the little boy’s room, rocked to his core.