Status: Live

Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

Chapter 34: Hermanni

At this stage Jussi and Jyrki had arrived by the room, to warn Ville of Jonna’s presence at the hotel, but it was clear to them by the shouting they could hear in the corridor, that he already knew. Milly’s grip on her son became tighter, more protective, as her heart and stomach lashed at the inside of her body. Ville turned and looked at Milly, and then to Oscar, “What are you talking about?” he spat, turning back to Jonna.

“Tell him.” Her twisted face instructed Milly. She couldn’t talk. The noise wasn’t there. This isn’t how it was supposed to happen. It was supposed to be between her and Ville, and now there was a crowd. She couldn’t even move. How did Jonna of all people come to know her biggest secret? Her stomach churned, “Tell him!” she barked. Tears crawled down her cheeks; worrying Oscar who padded at them with his penguin wing covered hand.

“It’s what I was going to tell you..” she squeaked, closing her eyes, unable to look at Ville’s expression of bewilderment. She felt a hand on her back, and from the cold of the many rings, knew it was Jyrki.

“He’s mine?” Ville asked barely above a whisper, unbelieving. She opened her eyes and looked at him, looking at who he now knew was his son. His eyes met hers and she silently asked for forgiveness with her gaze. “He’s my son?”

“Yes.” Jonna stated.

“Shut up!” Ville shouted; turning and pointing at her. She recoiled, obviously not expecting it. “He’s my son?” he asked again, his eyes begging Milly for an answer. She nodded. “Milly..?”

“Why is everyone angry?” Oscar asked, Ville’s eyes snapped to him, still unbelieving that he was his son.

“No one is angry poppet.” She replied, wiping her face, “Just a bit surprised.”

“Why?” she looked at Ville, he looked terrified and sad and so alone. A lone tear trickled down his face as he stared intently at her and his son.

“Because Ville just got told that he’s your Daddy.” She replied emotionally, not breaking eye contact with Ville. Truth pouring from her eyes to his, and though it was an immense relief to finally say it aloud, a great feeling of sadness and shame washed over her entire body as she was faced with Ville’s expression. “I’m sorry…” she whispered. He nodded slightly and wiped the tear off his face before sniffing, clearing his throat and grabbing his cigarettes off the table by the door.

“Excuse me.” He asked, walking out the door past Milly, past his son, past his friends. Salty tears ran to Milly’s lips, she wiped them away with the back of her hand and inhaled deeply. She entered her room and walked purposefully to Jonna, where upon reaching her clacked her hand much harder against her face then she thought she would have. That slap wasn’t just for telling Ville about Oscar, it was for everything.

“Go away, Jonna.” Milly said, shaking her head, disgusted by the very sight of her. She scrambled past Milly, who stood resolute infront of her and scurried past Jussi and Jyrki – her bean spilling hadn’t left her as high and mighty as she had expected.

“Fucking stay away!” Jussi yelled after her in Finnish.

“Matilda…” Jyrki said softly, not offering anything else, which she appreciated. She sniffed back her tears and blinked her eyes wide, before setting Oscar on the sofa and kneeling infront of him.

“How would you like to watch Mickey’s Christmas movie and have some secret pudding? Would that be something that you’d like to do?” the vulnerability in Milly’s voice and on her face broke Jussi and Jyrki’s hearts as they watched her speak to her son – his whole life now changed.

“Will Ville watch too?” he asked confused. Milly floundered for a response, so Jussi jumped in, plopping himself down on the sofa next to Oscar, ruffling his penguin head.

“How about I watch with you?” Jussi grinned.

“We’ll all watch it together.” Milly nodded, squeezing Jussi’s hand in thanks. She knew the last thing two grown men would want to do would be to watch a Disney movie. She was grateful.

“I’ll call for some pudding then shall I?” Jyrki offered, “And scotch. Lots of scotch.”

--------


Jussi and Jyrki had slowly drank themselves into a snug, scotch blanketed sleep whilst watching the movies. They each lay sprawled out on separate sofas, still clad in their boots and jackets. She hadn’t wanted to talk; she just wanted the company so she didn’t have to think about what had just happened. She refused to even let her mind stray there – she held her sleeping son and watched the movie intently; she loved It’s a Wonderful Life, she usually cried watching it, but not today – she just stared.

She hadn’t expected to hear quiet rapping on the door at 2:30 in the morning, but it didn’t shock her. News had probably travelled to Bam and co. by now; she expected it to be April come to give her a motherly embrace. She had not expected it to be a sheepishly pale Ville. She couldn’t even find the words to say hello, she could only hold her breath in her chest until he spoke. “May I come in?”

“…Of course.” Ville apprehensively passed her, walking into the room, he stopped facing the area where Jussi, Jyrki and Oscar were all sound asleep on the sofas; the movie playing quietly in the background; pudding tubs and scotch littering the table.

“Maybe we should talk on the balcony, so we don’t wake them?” he suggested, clutching a plastic bag in his hands. Milly nodded and picked up her large knit cardigan to brace herself against the cold outside. Her mind was racing at a mile a minute, she didn’t know what he was going to say – but she remained calm. They took seats next to each other, but naturally sat with their bodies facing each other out of habit. “Mill-“

“I’m sorry.” She blurted, her bottom lip quivered awaiting his response. “I just.. I didn’t tell you and then I went to your place and you weren’t there, and I was still angry so I didn’t try harder, then he was born, then I tried to work out how to tell you and then Seth came along and it just snowballed and.. how was I supposed to then tell you one; two; three years later?”

“You just do.”

“But I was hurting. I never gave myself that time to hate you and have you witness to that hate. I came to tell you I was pregnant and found you balls deep in that bitch and I just snapped. All my hate boiled away and at first I didn’t tell you out of that hate but then I wanted to tell y-“

“What?” he interrupted. She stopped her emotional rambling, not knowing what he was ‘what-ing’ about, she shook her head. “You came to tell me that night?” she nodded.

“I had ten positive tests in my bag and a rose. I came upstairs with one in my pocket to surprise you with…” he swallowed his emotions and dropped his head.

“And you found me like that.” A desperate sob escaped her lips as she nodded.

“Yeah.” He wiped his fingers across his mouth before licking his lips as he shook his head in shame.

“Milly…” he started, apologetically.

“Don’t…” she begged. “What I’ve done is so much worse.”

“I don’t know exactly how you’d measure it…” he spoke softly, “I have a son.” He said again in disbelief.

“Yes. You do.”

“I have a son.. Oscar Aaltoinen. I just… He’s beautiful Mil…” she shook her head and gave a half smile as she stood and quickly darted inside before reappearing with her bag.

“His birth certificate says, Oscar Hermanni Valo.” The corners of his lips pulled, his face twisting not wanting to cry.

“It does?” he smiled. She handed him her passport which had Oscar’s name printed on the dependants page. He must have stared at it for a full minute, as if it were the beacon of proof – spell binding evidence that this wasn’t just a cruel joke.

“I never wanted you to not know… You must believe that.” She begged, cupping her hands around his.

“I’ve missed three years of my first born child’s life…”

“I got so deep into my story I gave Seth that I just stopped thinking about you… It was the only way I could cope... It was only when you turned up, and everybody picked it but you, that I realised what my cowardice had done... I deprived you of something so special. That I had been so selfish.”

“Everyone knew?” she nodded, sheepishly.

“That’s why Mige has been… the way he has been. We had a fight, at the hospital, he told me if I didn’t tell you he would.”

“Someone should have told me.”

“It wasn’t their place! I will not let you take any of this out on them. I did it, I’ve fucked this up.. I kept your son-OUR-son from you. I hate myself every day-”

“But it was something I did that stopped me knowing. Stopped you telling me. I did this.” he winced.

“Ville, no.. I’m sorry. I… There are no words I can say other than I’m sorry.. I’m sorry.” She cried. He pulled her into his lap and hugged her; he couldn’t be furious, he had brought it on himself.. He was upset that his actions caused this. He was upset that he had driven a wedge that deep that she couldn’t overcome it even to tell her that he had a son. He was upset and terrified that he had grown so amazingly fond of her child, not knowing or suspecting for even a second that he was his flesh and blood.

“I’m so sorry I caused this.” he said to himself, as much as her.
♠ ♠ ♠
Leave your feedback as usual x