Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

"What?!”

“Jussi Vuori.” she shouted irately, pushing him away from her, “Olisin voinut tappaa sinut!” he laughed dismissively. “Voi, mikään niistä tai open edelleen pitää.” she threatened, pointing menacingly at him.
(I could have killed you!) // (Oh, none of that or I still might.)

“Oh I do like it when you play rough, kitten.” he winked salaciously, tweaking her pointing finger. Her face remained disgruntled as her heart settled pace inside her chest.

“Mene pois, Vuori.” she demanded, semi-seriously.
(Go away, Vuori)

“Don’t speak Finnish at me just because you’re mad.” he said sweetly, reaching for her hand. He fell to his knees and bowed his head, “My darling Matilda, forgive me.” she said nothing, she stood staring down at him, wanting to laugh but still in a state of terror. She kicked her foot against his leg and he looked up, a cheeky glint in his eye. “I really am sorry.” she rolled her eyes and pulled his arm, he stood to his feet, directly in front of her and smiled. “So, can I come in?”

“You’re unbelievable.” she snorted, pushing past him, walking back towards the door.

“Ah, English! I am forgiven.” Milly’s hand met Jussi’s forehead, stopping him in his tracks.

“Stop right there.” she insisted, “Why are you here?”

“To surprise you, I told you that.”

“Yes, but why are you really here?” she asked, curious to his motives, pulling her hand away from his head, wiping whatever hair product he was slathered in on her jeans.

“I heard what you did, telling Ville to be with Jonna..”

“How?”

“How do you think?”

“Jyrki.” he nodded, “But, how did he know?” Jussi only had to tilt his head to the side and raise his brow to insinuate exactly how Jyrki came to know. “Bam, of course.. who else.” she scoffed, not surprised.

“Yeah, so, I thought I’d come and hang out, Bam said you were here all alone.”

“I’m not, Oscar is here.”

“Milly, he’s a great kid and all, but really, how good is he at talking out shit on his dad?” he laughed.

“I don’t want to talk anything out. Especially if it concerns Ville, Jonna or their bloody baby.”

“Well that’s fine too, we’ll drink it out instead. I brought some of your favourite.” he winked, pulling out an unlabelled bottle and grinning.

“If that’s Timo’s pirate rum, not only will I slap you if you bring it anywhere near me but I will proceed to drown you with it.”

“Come now, what’s the worst that could happen?”

“Oh I don’t know Juss, maybe your cock against my leg.” she laughed, swatting the bottle away, “We’ve aged almost a decade, we’ve outgrown that horrid elixr. I have wine, bury that shit in the yard then come in out of the cold.”

————

They were nestled on the small balcony she had been on prior to his turning up, it was just big enough for them both to sit huddled next to each other for warmth, as if on a little boat, snuggled under blankets to protect them from the cold air. Their second wine bottle was set between them, along with an ashtray, two packs of Malboro Lights and bag of corn chips. Up until this point, they had laughed and reminiced, caught up on gossip concerning their friends and even talked about their work; they had discussed everything but the elephant in the room. “Did you drive here?” she asked as he topped up her wine glass and then his own, before recorking the wine and setting it back down between them.

“Taxi.”

"Right."

"I'll call one to pick me up soon, don't worry." he smiled.

“Jussi, can you stay? I don’t feel like waking up and being alone here.”

“You don’t like his house? It is a bit tragically got-”

“I meant more as in, I don't want to wake up in Finland, alone.” she interrupted, sadly. He patted his hand on her leg, it was rare that they were brutally honest with each other. It had always been fun and games, name calling and teasing, sparring and jeering, but tonight he knew she needed a friend who would be there for her, whether she was ready to admit it or not. Not to say that Bam and the rest of the guys wouldn’t be there for her, but just that he knew he was the only one who could offer her what she really needed - an absolute unbiased opinion on relationships, because he wasn’t, nor did he want to be, in one.

“Of course I can.” a moment of silence passed before she breathed in sharply. Wanting to break their serious moment, with Jussi, it unnerved her when that happened between them.

“Obviously, you’ll sleep out here like the dog you are.”

“Well as the dog that I am I will whimper and moan until you let me in to sleep at the foot of your bed, perhaps I’ll even try my hand at humping one of your delicious legs or eating one of your boots..”

“Fuck off.” she laughed.

“So…” he began, handing her a lit cigarette, “come on, why did you do it? Why tell him to be with that cu-”

“Jussi.” she frowned.

“Why?”

“I can’t explain to you because you don’t have a kid Juss, but, not telling Ville I was having his baby was the worst mistake of my life. The minute he was born, I was too late to tell him, I was ashamed of myself. Now, imagine you are Ville, imagine leaving Jonna when she was pregnant, having convinced yourself the baby isn’t yours, only to find out once the damage of leaving her had been done, that the baby was yours. What would you do then?”

“I don’t know..” he shrugged after thinking for a moment, he really had no idea.

“Now factor into the equation that Jonna is the way she is, having no qualms in hurting Ville when she’s angry. Do you imagine that she’ll let him have anything to do with that child when it’s born if he left her?”

“No.” he replied bluntly, “Not a chance in hell.”

“Now do you see why my feelings pale very much in comparison to that?” he stared at her, listening intently, his heart breaking for her, “I won’t have him miss out on the first years of his child’s life a second time because of me, it’s that simple. Now, I could let myself be completely distraught over this, but ultimately I know I’m doing the right thing. I let myself get swept up in all the residual emotion from our relationship, and I shouldn’t have. I knew he had Jonna but I let my emotions take over completely and slept with him, I found out she was pregnant and I did it again.. It’s so selfish of me to think I can have my happy little family when he has one waiting for him. I did this to myself, I have to deal with the consequences.”

“But you guys love each other, more than any two people I know.”

“Well, you know, shit fucking happens Jussi. Love doesn’t conquer all when children are concerned. No love I have for anyone is greater than the love I have for Oscar, and I have to stay strong for him.”

“A kid needs his Dad, Milly.”

“Which is precisely why Ville needs to be here with her. Oscar has gotten on fine enough the past three years without a Dad, he doesn’t know any different so he can adapt to how things will now work with Ville. I’m no-”

“Milly..”

“What?” she asked sharply, expecting him to be interrupting to lecture her on her reasoning.

“You don’t need to explain anymore.” he nodded, “You are the strongest person I know and I’m really proud to call you my friend.” he dictated sincerely, “Olen täällä sinus varten, mitä tarvitset. Tarkoitin sitä.” he spoke softly to her in Finnish, for the first time in a very long time breaking their pact himself in order to convey the utmost sincerity he could to her.
(I’ll be here for you, whatever you need. I mean it)

“Ju-“ she started, a surprising lump forming in her throat, “I-“ she stammered, he picked up her hand and kissed the back of it, “Kiitos.”