Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

“Who was with you?” he asked breathlessly as he reached the lobby; he never got coverage in the elevator and this call couldn’t wait.

“Ville?”

“When Oscar was born, who was with you?” he asked, pacing along the mirrored wall.

“It doesn’t matter.” she sighed, trying to shirk off the truth as nothing to worry about.

“Milly, it matters to me, who was with you?” he demanded.

“What is this about?”

“I never asked you.” she knew he was frowning. She said nothing, he waited a moment longer, “Who-

“Nobody was with me.” she interrupted, “I was alone.” he exhaled heavily and kicked his foot against the elevator door.

“Tell me how you felt.” he ordered bitterly.

“Vil-“

“Tell me!” he shouted. She knew he was asking for all the wrong reasons, she knew deep down he wanted her to tell him that it was fine and it was what she wanted, that she coped brilliantly alone.. but she didn’t. It was the single most traumatic experience of her life, and it only dawned on her now, that Ville knew nothing about it.

“I was terrified.” she wept, tears springing from deep inside of her. “Okay? I was alone and terrified. All I wanted was someone to hold my hand… for you, to hold my hand.” he swallowed hard, he hadn’t meant to make her cry. He abruptly fell against the wall and crumpled to the ground, pulling his knees up in front of him, dragging his hair back with his free hand. “He was born with the cord around his neck, he wasn’t breathing, they took him away from me to another room and just left me there with a student nurse telling me to calm down, trying to keep me in the bed..” she let a quiet sobbed escape, “I just wanted to be with him, I just wanted to know he was fucking alive!” she choked, nervously laughing, “Everything happened so quickly, they sedated me so I don’t remember after.. I just know that I wasn’t with him the hour of his life, he had no parent looking over him. Because of me.” his heart broke inside of his chest and for the first time since this whole saga had begun, he found himself crying. “If you’d have been there- If I’d have allowed you to be there.. it’s my fault-“

“No.”

“Yes, it is.. It’s a child. I could have looked past what happened with us, for his sake. But I didn’t and he was alone.”

“Milly..” he was holding back tears as hard as he could, he swallowed hard, “Milly, I am so sorry for what I did to you.” she sniffed hard and cleared her throat.

“It’s in the past.. isn’t it? Oscar is the light of my fucking life.. he’s healthy and vibrant and engaged and tuned in - at three! And I put that down to the fact that I have invested every moment since he was placed in my arms to being there for him every second that he needs me, everything I do is for him, for his development, his future.. He is my heart-fire. If he wasn’t born the way he was, I might be an entirely different mother.”

“You’d be the same.” he chuckled lightly, through his torment. “It should have been different.”

“Yes, it should have. He should have had both his parents at his birth, like his brother or sister will have.” she insisted, “When they’re older they can compare how they were born, duke it out and see which labor births the stronger kid.” she jested, before sniffing, “My money is on Osi, Jonna doesn’t have the hips for a big baby.” he laughed, but she could tell he didn’t want to be laughing.

“How big was he?”

“Oh Ville, he was big. I was a cow.” she laughed, “I pushed a nine-pound Valo out of my body.”

“Nine..” he gasped, “Nine pounds?”

“Yep, with a full dark head of hair too.” Ville smiled, he tried to remember having looked at the baby pictures around the house, but when he had looked, he hadn’t taken them in as he hadn’t needed to. Being there the other day they had all been put away, as Milly was preparing to redecorate to remove any trace of Seth. He had pissed her off enough by being there, he didn’t want to be a further annoyance by asking.

“But he’s so small.”

“Strange isn’t it? Our tiny man,” she replied fondly, “but he’ll shoot up when he’s sixteen, just like you did. He’ll be a real heartbreaker.”

“I wouldn’t wish that on him.” he said remorsefully. “Where was he born even.. was it night, day? Where you already at the hospital? Time?”

“I was at the store when my water broke, I got a cab to Cedar Sinai and he was born at eleven twenty-two pm.”

“Ele-“

“I know, your birthday. As if I didn’t feel bad enough.” she laughed, still disbelieving it, “Then I looked at him and it figured. He was- he is- a miniature you.”

“My boy.”

“Have you spoken to her?”

“I was, then I realised I knew nothing about how Oscar was born- I lost my marbles a little and left. I’m in the lobby.”

“It’s going to be okay, all of this.. I promise.” she assured him, though he wasn’t at all convinced. “You’ll be there through all of it this time. I’m so excited for you, I’m almost jealous believe it or not.”

“Jealous?”

“A baby changes you, I’ve told you a thousand times. It’s the best thing in the world, Ville, holding that little human you made for the first time. And Jonna gets to give that to you, I begrudged you of it.. just remember that.”

“I still don’t think it’s mine.”

“Darling, you just don’t want it to be yours, but it is.. It is.”

“I’m better go.” he said solemnly.

“Ville, I-“ he hung up the phone and let it scatter across the tiles. It was some fifteen minutes later he picked himself up and sluggishly got into the lift. He jabbed at the number four and stared blankly at the steel doors until they opened again. As he walked the length of the corridor he took a series of deep breaths to calm himself and to try and arrange his thoughts. He couldn’t have ever of hypothesised this series of events, not even in his wildest dreams. When he boarded that plane from JFK to LAX he was sure it was to begin his life with his rightful family behind the welcoming red door of Milly's house, but now, as he stood before his own home's door, it had never seemed bluer.