Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

“Mind if I join you?” Ville asked tentatively, approaching Millie from her left. She turned, having not expected company and nodded graciously. They stood in silence, huddled into their coats, hiding from the cold – Millie couldn’t help but feel the elephant in the room was waving it’s trunk in front of her face with ferocity.

“I think you should go and do whatever it is Jonna had planned.” She sighed.

“What?”

“What you did isn’t fair and I won’t have Oscar resented by her anymore than he is for being ours. I think you should call her, apologise and make it right.” She said seriously. It guiltily pained Ville that Millie could extend such a moral and kind hand to Jonna despite what she had done to her life. “It’s Christmas, Ville, enough damage has been done.” He hated that she was right in that regard.

“Alright.” He conceded, bowing his head to look at his shuffling feet for a moment. “I’ll call her before I go back in.” he motioned back towards the café with his head. Millie smiled widely and laughed softly to herself, confusing Ville. “What?”

“I don’t think you’ve ever agreed with me when you didn’t want to so quickly.” She smiled, “I appreciate it, on Oscar’s behalf.”

“Yeah, well..” he said, rolling his eyes ever so slightly. “How’s Papa Linnankivi in there?”

“He’s loving it, isn’t he?” She giggled, “It’s so strange to see.”

“Oscar loves him.”

“Oscar loves them all. He’s got a good bunch of men in his life that little boy.”

“Millie?”

“Yes?”

“We haven’t discussed Christmas, or, after…” he said, gingerly.

“No...” she said, standing taller, feeling slightly rigid as se really hadn’t found much time to think about it herself what with all the attention she’d been giving the wedding, “Look, I have to delegate Oscar and I’s time between my family, your family and you, without making anyone, including myself, uncomfortable. You have to factor in Jonna and her family too.” He nodded. “I don’t know how to do it.”

“I want to be with my son on Christmas Day, Mil. It’s our first one.” He said calmly, but with saddened eyes that tightened the wrench of guilt in her belly.

“Ville, you will be. They’re just waters that need navigating carefully.” She explained. “What are Jonna’s plans?”

“I’m not sure.” She tilted her head and raised her brow. He nodded. “I’ll ask her today.“

“We’ll work it out.”

“I was thinking maybe, I could be there to put him to bed on Christmas eve and there when he woke up? I would really love that.”

“He would love that too.” She smiled, exhaling a cloud of smoke and vapour into the frosty air, she shuffled her weight from foot to foot then made direct eye contact with Ville, “Maybe, if you wanted, you can take Oscar on Christmas night? Enjoy your first Christmas, mano el mano. That way everyone is happy. We’ll do my family in the morning, yours at lunch, then I’ll leave, Jonna can join you and then you guys do her family, then your home, I guess…”

“I would love that.” He said, ever so stunned that it seemed as simple as that. “But you’ve never spent a night apart from him?”

“And he’s never spent a Christmas with his father.” She smiled simply. “I hate the idea really, but, we’re adults, we have to deal with this situation with our brains, not our hearts.”

“I don’t deserve any of this.”

“I’m freezing!” she said, changing the topic hastily, “Definitely time for another coffee.” She stomped her cigarette into the ground and forced a tight smile at Ville as she headed back into the café – as soon as she passed him she inhaled deeply, pushing down the feelings of complete helplessness and desperation towards the situation. She had immersed herself so fully and willingly into sorting Sonja’s wedding just so as she didn’t have time to allow herself to think about how soul crushingly devastated she felt inside. As she neared the table, she knew that Jyrki has caught her expression before she put on her best smile as she sat down. Ville followed shortly behind her and took his seat too, being asked a series of questions about recording the moment he sat. She picked up her empty coffee cup and set it back down, her eyes scanning for the waitress as she chewed softly on the inside of her lip. Just as she got the attention of the young female server, she was caught off guard by a hand, Jyrki’s, reassuringly squeezing her leg under the table, she placed her hand on top of his as he offered her a kind and understanding smile – he knew what she was feeling, he had always been able to read her like a book.

“I’ll get one also, but both to go please.”

“To go?” Millie asked.

“I need Christmas present advice, thought I’d take advantage of the baby sitting club and you not having your hands full before this dress fitting of yours.” He winked.

“Perfect, I have done precisely zero Christmas shopping, so this is good timing.” She laughed, picking up the bag that contained everything Oscar would need for the day and double checking it.

“I want something sparkly.” Mige gushed.

“I want something silky.” Linde interjected.

“How about I give you both a slap?” she laughed, handing the bag to Ville.

“Still so mean.” Linde laughed.

“Someone has to keep you menaces in check. Oscar, darling,” she smiled, picking him up from Jyrki, “these fools are not to be used as an example for anything until you’re older.” He pressed his face into her cheek and held her red hair in his hand comfortingly. “You’ll be good for your Daddy today?” he nodded and giggled, “If he takes you to build a snow man, throw snowballs at Linde and Mige for me?”

“Yeah!”

“Yeah!” she laughed. “Give me a kiss.”

“Mwah!” he giggled, touching his small lips to hers. She sat him down on her chair, putting a colouring book in front of him and kissing the top of his head. “I love you, Mummy.” he said reaching for his crayons. The four men all looked at him with doe eyes and she chuckled.

“I love you too, darling.” She replied, just as the waitress came over with the two take away coffees, “I’ll see you later on today.”

“Buy us something nice!” Mige cooed as they walked away.