Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

It had taken almost an hour in the evening traffic to get from Milly’s parents to the other side of town and she was now driving on autopilot, just blindly following Kari as he searched for a place to park, stopping and starting as hoards of other Christmas light tourists flooded the area. Her and Ville had been discussing their parents and fondly laughing at their manic enthusiasm for their grandson, so much so that it wasn’t until they had parked that they both independently realised exactly where they were situated. Milly let out a deep breath and wondered if Kari had even realised that he had chosen their old street to park on. She dared not turn her head for fear of seeing their house behind them; she hadn’t been here since the night she had left for good. “I’ll call him.” Ville panicked, searching for his cell phone.

“No, it’s fine. We’ll not find better parks really, will we?” she said calmly.

“He just doesn’t think.” he growled.

“Ville, it’s not his fault.” she smiled, “It’s fine.” Truth be told she hadn’t even thought of the house in years, she had left it in the charge of Sonja and James who had moved in for a few months when they were renovating years ago. Sonja had then leased it to a couple, who so far as Milly knew had lived there ever since, and James took care of the finances being paid into Milly’s business account, that her accountant then dealt with. Sonja had tried to discuss the idea of selling it with her on a couple of occasions, only to be shot down, Milly didn’t want to know. The thought of dealing with it in any way rocked her, but she just couldn’t ever bring herself to let go, despite having no desire to see - or step foot in it - ever again. “It’s just a house.” she noted, unbuckling her seat belt, prompting Ville to do so as well . She pulled the keys from the ignition and opened her door, the snap of cold air rushing into the car quickly, “Come on.”

Ville exited out the car and turned to speak to Milly, to apologise for his father’s choice of parking location, but no sooner had he looked in her direction had she gone, making her way quickly to Kari’s car, locking the car remotely as she walked. Ville was incensed - he knew his father wouldn’t have done this deliberately, but there was three others of them in the car that could have spared Milly, and himself, this indignity. He made direct eye contact with his mother, who immediately knew from his look that he wasn’t happy; quickly, she glanced at Milly who was animatedly busying herself with getting Oscar from the car; then she realised, noticing in her peripherals their house. Her mouth fell ever so slightly agape, her eyes closing in despair, then Kari spoke loudly, “Oh, now I know why I know of these parks, of course!”

“Kari, shut up.” Anita snarled, hitting him with the back of her gloved hand. “Enough.” she hissed, hopeful that Milly hadn’t heard it.

“Mummo Heli and Mummo Ani gave me chocolate!” Oscar laughed as Milly placed him on the ground, pulling his hat onto his head properly before ensuring his gloves were on and coat was fastened correctly. She gasped playfully.

“Did they now?”

“Mhmm.” he grinned, “And I can have more if I’m good.”

“I certainly hope there’s some left for your Daddy and me.” she smiled, wrapping his small scarf around his neck.

“There is, Mummo Ani has it all in her bag.” he pointed. Milly pulled his small hand down and laughed softly.

“Does she now?” she asked, standing to her feet, her brow cocked and lips tugged into a smirk. Anita laughed, caught off guard by Milly addressing her as she reprimanded Kari, “Well I hope Mummo Ani remembers what it’s like to coax a toddler high on sugar down from the rafters.” she sang, amused at the thought of trying to get Oscar anywhere near a bed in the next few hours. Anita laughed oddly. It hadn’t escaped Milly’s attention that they were all acutely aware, now, of where they were - no doubt thanks to Ville’s irritated stare he was offering them all. “Come on…” she said enthusiastically, “Let’s go over here real quick, pointless ignoring it.” she ran her eyes over the nervous looking parents, and an agitated Ville, before turning to Oscar and holding out her hand for him to take. “Do you want to see something cool?”

“Christmas lights?!” he exclaimed excited, walking hand in hand with his Mum back past her car, everyone else following, somewhat apprehensively.

“Maybe not that cool.” she pouted, “But I think it’s pretty cool.”

“What is it?”

“A house.” As they came to a stop, he giggled as she picked him up, still yet to look up at the house itself.

“There’s lots of houses silly.”

“Ah, but one of them is your house.” she smiled, nuzzling her nose into his chilly cheek. She took a deep breath and turned her face, her eyes finally falling upon her beloved home for the first time in four years. Her breath seemed to freeze in her throat and her whole body stiffened. It looked exactly as it did then, as if time has stood still, the seasons and age not affecting it in the slightest. She was so struck she hadn’t heard Oscar reply, and only exhaled when she felt Ville’s hand, respectfully, on her upper back before finding its way to ruffling Oscar’s hat.

“It’s this one. Like a castle, isn’t it?” he lamented. His heart felt strange, standing before the house that was meant for their family, with his broken family, for the first time - like it had skipped a beat.

“It’s not mine!”

“Oh yes it is.” Ville said as if her were at a pantomime, “A long time ago we bought this house just for you. And one day, when you are bigger, you will get to look after it and love it just as much as me and your Mummy did.”

“Can I go in it?” he asked innocently.

“Not today baby.” she spoke softly. Ville cleared his throat and turned to their parents who were talking amongst themselves, no doubt feeling awkward with the situation, but at the same time, wanting Ville and Milly to have it. It had been 48 hours of tiptoeing on broken glass for everyone in their sudden clash of families.

“What’s that sign?” Oscar pointed, his finger hovering outwards, extending towards a picket sign, that had completely escaped Milly’s attention.

“Oh.” she said simply, noticing the rental sign with a ‘leased’ sticker slapped over it. She turned to her parents quizzically. “The couple moved out?” she asked, inadvertently ignoring her sons question. She hadn’t discussed her house with anyone since Sonja and James had initially leased it to the young couple she assumed were still there. Her mother nodded.

“Yes dear, they bought their own house..” she said delicately. “They handed the keys back last week.” The truth of the matter was that they had desperately wanted to buy the house from Milly, but without her agreement - and with her refusing to discuss it with her sister, despite Sonja having tried on many an occasion - it would have never been an option for them.

“Who rented it?” she asked, her tone sharp. Heli shrugged. Milly frowned, puzzled, and looked back at the house, she wasn’t sure entirely what it was she was feeling, but it felt a lot like irritation that someone had taken an option away from her, without her ever having considered that she had it in the first place.

“I just wouldn’t of expected it to go so quickly over Christmas is all.” she noted, nonchalantly. Ville returned his hand to the top of her back and began to speak her name, but she spoke over him, “Hey now, we’re going to miss the lights if we don’t get a wiggle on!” she said excitedly to Oscar before placing him on the ground, “Why don’t you run ahead with Ukki, Pappa and your Mummos?” she nodded at her mother who held out her hand for him to run over and grab. She turned back and looked at the house, before looking at Ville, “Easier than I thought it might be.” she offered.

“I’ve been here a thousand times over the years and just sat and stared wishing life were different.” he began, staring intently at the house, “Being here with you though, I’m so nervous I could throw up.” he said truthfully.

“Me too.” she whispered, “Come on, best follow quickly before they buy him some useless light up toy from a street vendor.” she laughed softly, turning her back decidedly on the house and walking away at a fast pace, Ville in tow.

“Milly?”

“Mm?”

“Before, you seemed annoyed that the house had been re-let.”

“Did I?”

“You got your little bossy voice on.” he smiled. She laughed.

“I did not.”

“You did.” he nodded, “Have… have you been thinking about staying?” he asked, tentatively. She crossed her arms tighter, and warmer, across her body and focused on the sound of the snow crunching beneath her feet.

“I’ve been thinking about what happens next.” she corrected him, “I can’t share a bed in my parents house, with my three year old, indefinitely.”

“You can stay at the tower, for as long as you need.”

“Thank you, but that’s not a viable option and you know it. The less drama I cause with Jonna for you, the better it is for our son.”

“The tower is mine to offer, not hers.”

“Be that as it may, it’s not just a case of having somewhere to stay. My whole life is in L.A. now, Oscar’s whole life, my business, my home… I dropped it all to-”

“I know.” his head dropped, knowing she dropped it all to ensure he didn’t screw up knowing another child from birth.

“We can’t just float from house to house staying for a few weeks at a time.. Oscar needs stability. I can’t just forget about my life. After New Year, I will need to go home. I have responsibilities.”

“Then when will-“

“You see Oscar?” she finished, “Ville, you’re getting married, you’re having a baby… Do you have any idea how much of your time that is going to take up? I haven’t worked out where w-” she stopped mid-sentence and corrected herself, “-Oscar fits into that yet.”

“Mummy, Daddy look!” Oscar hollered from a few house down from them, pointing his finger at a giant inflated snowman in someones front yard. Ville waved and she beamed a smile and feigned surprise at the snowman for Oscar before his attention was immediately on something else.

“I’m not going to take him away from you Ville.”

“L.A seems a lot like away.” he smiled nervously.

“I haven’t had any time to myself since I’ve been here, do you understand.. I haven’t had any time to myself since you walked into my fucking house. I am so lost.” she said emotionally, with a lick of anger, “I’m sorry.” she added, catching herself before falling down her own proverbial rabbit hole. “I’m exhausted. I have had no time to think, no space to think, no peace to think…”

“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to push.”

“You’re allowed to push. This is your reality too. I just can’t th-“ she took a deep breath and stopped walking and turned to face him properly, “Can we just get through tonight and tomorrow? Because not waking up with my boy on Christmas morning is the only thing at the forefront of my mind right now.”

“Of course.” They remained quiet for the remainder of the street, following their parents around the block to the next, watching their son giggle and laugh, just as they had when they were kids being brought to this neighbourhood to see the lights. The joy it brought them both is a large factor in why Milly decided on the house, she looked up at Ville quickly, who was watching his son with delight.

“Ville,”

“Yeah?”

“I promise we’ll work something out, whatever happens.”