Status: Live

Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

Chapter 85: Sleigh Bells

Milly had instructed her parents to take her car home, assuring them she’d get home safely in a taxi as she wanted to at least be there to put Oscar to bed. She was surprised when Ville had informed her that he’d be spending the night at his parents house, not his apartment - she didn’t pry, but she knew he had chosen to avoid the home he shared with Jonna due to her proclivity to making every situation about her. She appreciated it, as it meant the fear she had at waving goodbye to her son at the door disappeared, allowing her to at least tuck him into bed. Before that they had set out a carrot, cookies and milk for Santa. They read him a traditional Finnish Christmas story, taking it in turns doing the voices, which he delighted in - but were interrupted by the sound of jingling sleigh bells from outside.. Milly and Ville both gasped in feigned shock and asked him if he could hear it. “Santa!” he squeaked, brimming with anticipation. Ville scooped him from his bed and carried him to the window where the peaked out and looked up at the sky, the sound of the bells coming from the garden. Milly smiled knowing it was Kari, remembering Ville’s stories of his childhood and how his father had done this every year for him and Jesse.

“We have to whisper, because Santa won’t come down the chimney if you’re awake.” Ville explained. “Quick lets get you into bed.” Swooping him through the air, Ville plonked him back into the bed, tucking the covers up around him. Milly sat the other side and traced his hair from his face with her finger, skirting the bruise that still adorned his head.

“Be a good boy and go to sleep now my darling.” she smiled, “And I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Will you be here with Daddy?”

“Uh uh.” she shook her head, “You’re having a very special sleep over. I have to go back to Mummo Heli and Ukki’s to make sure Santa stops there too for you.”

“He’s going to stop twice?!”

“Oh you bet he is! You’ve been so good this year pikkuinen.” she kissed his head. “Now, big hug! Then I have to go, I have to beat Santa and his sleigh is very fast.” he threw his arms up and hugged his mother tightly. “I love you.” she said, not wanting to let him go.

“I love you too Mummy.” she pulled away and kissed his head three times, before getting up and hurrying out the room without looking back. She got to the bottom of the stairs and her breath shuddered in her throat, stifling guilty tears. Anita appeared and squeezed her arm reassuringly. “I’m just being silly.” she smiled, “Really.. I’m fine.”

“Sweetheart, as a fellow mother, I understand.” she smiled kindly, “Give me a hug.” Milly gladly took her up on the offer and savoured the compassionate embrace from her former, essentially, mother-in-law. Anita rubbed her back calmingly. “You’re doing so marvellously, I am so proud of you.”

“I wish I was proud of me.”

“One day, you will be.” Anita said knowingly, pulling out of the hug, “Motherhood is a trial. A life long test of patience that ultimately proves you have it in unlimited bounds. You may not be proud of you, but I am. Kari is. Your parents are…” Milly needed to hear that. Tonight was to be the first night she had had truly to herself, without Oscar, since he was born and the guilt was jaw dropping. “Enjoy your night to clear your mind. Oscar is safe. He is with Ville, and Ville is with us, there is no need to worry.”

“Everything okay?” Ville asked quietly, padding down the stairs.

“I was just saying goodnight to Milly dear.” she leant forward and kissed Milly’s cheek, before giving her a look that underlined the statements she had just made. “Merry Christmas sweetheart, we’ll see you for lunch tomorrow.”

“Merry Christmas Anita.” Milly said softly before Anita set up the stairs, touching Ville's hand as she approached him.

“Goodnight, son of mine.” she smiled sweetly, kissing his cheek as she passed him on the stairs.

"Sleep well, Mum."

“Oscar asleep?” Milly asked him, trying to hide that she was feeling overwhelmingly fragile.

“Getting there.” he smiled. “Can I encourage you to stay a little while longer? I could cook something.” he shrugged. She stifled a small laugh.

"You can't cook."

"No..." he laughed.

“I really, actually better be going, I still have presents to wrap at home for Oscar. Completely impossible to do when he’s scampering around all day.” she chuckled. Ville looked disappointed, he wanted to carry on the facade of happy families for as long as he could. He hadn’t felt as complete in his life. He didn't want her feeling how he knew she currently was.

“Can I at least get your uber for you then?”

“Oh, you don’t have to do that.” she protested, already unlocking her phone.

“No no, really, I insist.” he pulled his phone from his pocket and as he began to put in the pick up details, as Milly did the same hoping to beat him to it, it rang. Milly’s eyes caught the screen and she instinctively turned her body away. Ville quickly rejected the call. “Sorry.” he panicked.

“Ville, it’s fine.”

“No it’s not.” he said sternly, as it began to ring again. Milly wiggled her phone in front of her, having just secured a ride, who was three minutes away.

“Beat you.” she smiled. “Answer Jonna, that ringing will wake everyone.” he silenced the call and unsuspectingly pulled her into a hug. Neither of them said anything for a moment, but as the vibration on the phone started up again, Milly patted his back and pulled away. “I have to go.”

“Yeah..” he sighed.

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” she nodded, the persisting vibration from his phone taunting her, she walked to the door and opened it slightly before turning back and smiling sadly, “Merry Christmas Ville.”

“Merry Christmas darling.” she stepped out into the driveway and quickly hurried herself up to the gate, the snowy wind whipping around her. She glanced down at her phone and was glad to see the driver was approaching now, she looked up and saw his headlights. Hopping in the car, thankful for the heating, she greeted the driver kindly, who then confirmed her destination. She nodded silently. Looking out the window her mind was a mishmash of thoughts and emotions - as it had been for weeks - but now a numbness was slowly setting in, a numbness of realisation that this would be her life now; of dropping her son off and not seeing him on important days, of missing moments, of him having a double life, and it terrified her. She cleared her throat and glanced at the time.

“Actually, I might change it.” she said, decisively - in regards to the destination.

“Where to?”

“The Riff, please.”