Status: Live
Holding Hands Won't Be Enough
Chapter 86: Office
She had the Uber drop her a block up from the Riff, she needed some cold air to clear her head. Most parents dream of a night without their child, but this night in particular had her feeling like a cinder block of shame had been tied around her neck. The only other person she knew who would understand this feeling was Jussi, as many years ago he’d gone through the same with his daughter Rosa. As she reached the venue, the sound pounding bass guitar notes reverberated in her chest. She glanced through the window and saw the bartenders up on the bar pouring spirits into people’s mouths as Go-Go dancers were using the tables like podiums - Jussi was really going all out for Christmas, she thought to herself. She caught glimpse of herself in the reflection and couldn’t help but laugh, she looked exhausted. Knowing there was nothing she could do about it, she sighed and pushed the heavy door open, the music and warmth enveloping her.
Politely manoeuvring her way through the raucous crowd took longer than she anticipated, and when she finally reached the bar she was happy for the space to breath without a body pressed against her. “What Can I get you?” A bartender with a mohawk yelled at her, placing his hand down on the bar infant of her to signal that she had his full attention.
“Is Jussi here?” she shouted. He shrugged in a completely unconvincing manner, she realised it would no doubt be a natural reaction to a question asked by any fan visiting the bar. She softly rolled her eyes, remembering from her college years what it was like to work in a bar and how rude people could be, “Two shots of Jack Daniels please.” she smiled, holding up two fingers before sliding her credit card towards him. He nodded and took her card, before grabbing a bottle of Jack and two glasses, quickly pouring both shots and pushing them toward her. She took a hold of one, and pushed the other back towards him. He cocked his brow, she gestured for him to cheers her glass and smiled. “Merry Christmas.”
“To your health.” he winked. Both downed the liquid with ease, setting their glasses back on the bar top with distinctive ‘thwacks’.
“Now,” she shouted, “if you could tell his highness him Milly needs to see him, I’d really appreciate it.” He stepped back on his heel and looked at her differently, his polite smile changed to one of recognition.
“Oh shit, the infamous Milly.” he grabbed the bottle of Jack he had set back in the well before, and immediately refilled their glasses. “I saw how long it took you to get from the front door.” he laughed, clinking his glass against hers, motioning for her to pick hers up, “You have to be brutal.” he winked, before taking the shot. “Wait here, I’ll go see where he is.” She drank down her second shot in as many minutes, the familiar burn in her oesophagus causing her to sit taller, all the while keeping her head down. She hoped that the guy only recognised her name from Jussi maybe talking about her and not from the tabloid papers that had been plastering her face alongside Ville’s recently. She was mindlessly tracing the rim of her glass with her finger when she was tapped on the shoulder; turning she found it to be the mohawk’d bartender who with a smile grabbed her hand and motioned for her to follow him. He pushed through the crowd as brutally as he had advised, none of the patrons seeming to care - or in fact even realise - that he was shoving through them purposefully, all the while ensuring her safe passage. Upon reaching a door, he quickly punched a code into the keypad, pushing it open for her with one arm “Madame.”
“Thank you, uh-“ she paused, having realised she rudely hadn’t asked his name.
“Benji.” he smiled as he closed the door behind them slightly, one arm still holding onto the edge. He pointed his finger ahead and to the left, narrowing one eye to follow his own gaze, “His office is there, just knock and go straight in, I gotta get back out there.” She politely nodded in thanks and smiled kindly before he sharply disappeared, the door closing abruptly - muffling the music. She walked up to his door and knocked twice, instinctively waiting for a reply rather than barging in. “Yo.” she faintly heard. She pushed the door open as she twisted the handle, finding that she had to step down into the room.
“Milly?” he asked ambiguously, sitting up from his fully reclined state, “What are you doing here?”
“Single mothers without their kid on Christmas Eve, they wallow in bars right?” she asked, frowning, not truly knowing the answer herself. His velvet blue eyes met hers and his heart sank for her - he recalled Ville telling him he was having Oscar tonight - all it took was her lips tightening to conceal her wanting to cry for him to jump and and move quickly over to her, pulling her immediately into a hug and holding her tightly against himself. He felt her body stiffen and jerk as she repressed crying aloud. He ran his hand over her head and held her body close by holding her lower back. She inhaled deeply and sharply. “Fucking hell.” she breathed, her body relaxing against him, her head laying against his shoulder. He twirled his fingers in the handful of hair he was holding at the back of her neck and inhaled, his eyes staring mindlessly in front of him. “I’m sorry.” she sighed, “You have a million other things to do than comforting a crying fool.”
“Maybe.” he laughed softly, “But none of them more important.” he replied seriously, releasing her from the embrace in order to look at her face. It hadn’t escaped either of them that in the past few months their friendship had taken on a whole new identity to the jibing and catty friendship it once thrived as.
“Oh I don’t know, there’s some really hot chicks out there.” she chuckled, half-heartedly, running her ring fingers under her eyes. Jussi looked at his friend, knowing her well he knew her humour was a veil for hurt. He also knew all too well what that hurt felt like. He ran his hand down her arm and squeezed her hand, not breaking eye contact with her at all and simply smiled.
“Well they’re certainly not in here.” he laughed, returning to form, “You look exhausted.” he added for good measure. She laughed, having never realised just what she meant to him, because he was forever hidden in the shadow of her love for Ville.
“Jussi, I don’t know if I can do this.” she said, voice trembling, her body acting to lose it’s controlled composure in spite of her best efforts.
“You can..” he offered sincerely, lifting her hand to his mouth and kissing it “You are.” she shook her head.
“I saw the house, with Ville, with everyone.. Someone new is moving in and I freaked out. It just… I don’t.. I want..” she floundered, not knowing how to process her feelings about it, let alone her thoughts or words. “I have to go home, Jus…” she said in summary.
“Right now? This instant?” he proffered, pouting his lips into a coy smile.
“Maybe.” she said seriously.
“I would hate that.” he sighed, “We only just got you back.”
“It was only ever temporary. I have my whole life in LA, my house, the business, my friends, Oscar’s life..”
“At risk of sounding like Jyrki, home is where the heart is.”
“Oscar is my home.” she sighed, sitting against the edge of his desk, “I am so lost Jussi… I have no one to talk to about this stuff.”
“You have me.”
“How did you cope with it, with Rosa?” he exhaled and sat next to her, dropping his hands into his lap and furrowing his brow. His secret daughter he had hidden from the world, a topic that among them was never discussed unless he brought it up, but now she herself had decided she was old enough to be known.
“I didn’t have a choice. I just worked and worked and worked to keep my mind occupied from thinking how things could be different or how I could have done something better, just all those thoughts that tell you you’re wrong, or a bad parent or person, and all those doubts that I know are in you that are just horse shit. I just always did what I felt was right in my heart at the time, and always made sure that ultimately, above all else, that Rosa was happy.” she studied his face and nodded pensively.
“Was it an active decision to hide this bewildering intelligence too?”
“Absolutely.” he said picking up her hands and clapping them against his face causing her to laugh. She ran her thumbs over his jaw bone, thankful that he was being so kind, as he held her hands there still and smiled, “Milly, so long as Oscar is happy and healthy, you’re doing the best job in the world. I think you’re freaking out because you don’t know how you fit into all of this. Am I right?” he asked, dragging her hands down under his chin and leaning on them.
She averted his gaze and looked around the office, before exhaling like a blowfish as Oscar often did to make her laugh, “Do you have any whiskey in here?” she asked with wide eyes, he let a singular laugh escape, her proclivity for avoiding hard hitting questions hadn't changed in all the years he'd known her.
“Do I have any whiskey in here she asks.” he said with a bemused expression, walking over to a floor to ceiling cupboard and opening it up with feigned surprise. He theatrically grabbed a bottle of Jack from one shelve, flipping it in the air and catching it before taking
two glasses from another, dancing towards the door backwards, offering a welcoming grin, “C’mon, I’ve got a fire-pit and blankets on the roof and a pack of smokes in my pocket, let’s Christmas.”
Politely manoeuvring her way through the raucous crowd took longer than she anticipated, and when she finally reached the bar she was happy for the space to breath without a body pressed against her. “What Can I get you?” A bartender with a mohawk yelled at her, placing his hand down on the bar infant of her to signal that she had his full attention.
“Is Jussi here?” she shouted. He shrugged in a completely unconvincing manner, she realised it would no doubt be a natural reaction to a question asked by any fan visiting the bar. She softly rolled her eyes, remembering from her college years what it was like to work in a bar and how rude people could be, “Two shots of Jack Daniels please.” she smiled, holding up two fingers before sliding her credit card towards him. He nodded and took her card, before grabbing a bottle of Jack and two glasses, quickly pouring both shots and pushing them toward her. She took a hold of one, and pushed the other back towards him. He cocked his brow, she gestured for him to cheers her glass and smiled. “Merry Christmas.”
“To your health.” he winked. Both downed the liquid with ease, setting their glasses back on the bar top with distinctive ‘thwacks’.
“Now,” she shouted, “if you could tell his highness him Milly needs to see him, I’d really appreciate it.” He stepped back on his heel and looked at her differently, his polite smile changed to one of recognition.
“Oh shit, the infamous Milly.” he grabbed the bottle of Jack he had set back in the well before, and immediately refilled their glasses. “I saw how long it took you to get from the front door.” he laughed, clinking his glass against hers, motioning for her to pick hers up, “You have to be brutal.” he winked, before taking the shot. “Wait here, I’ll go see where he is.” She drank down her second shot in as many minutes, the familiar burn in her oesophagus causing her to sit taller, all the while keeping her head down. She hoped that the guy only recognised her name from Jussi maybe talking about her and not from the tabloid papers that had been plastering her face alongside Ville’s recently. She was mindlessly tracing the rim of her glass with her finger when she was tapped on the shoulder; turning she found it to be the mohawk’d bartender who with a smile grabbed her hand and motioned for her to follow him. He pushed through the crowd as brutally as he had advised, none of the patrons seeming to care - or in fact even realise - that he was shoving through them purposefully, all the while ensuring her safe passage. Upon reaching a door, he quickly punched a code into the keypad, pushing it open for her with one arm “Madame.”
“Thank you, uh-“ she paused, having realised she rudely hadn’t asked his name.
“Benji.” he smiled as he closed the door behind them slightly, one arm still holding onto the edge. He pointed his finger ahead and to the left, narrowing one eye to follow his own gaze, “His office is there, just knock and go straight in, I gotta get back out there.” She politely nodded in thanks and smiled kindly before he sharply disappeared, the door closing abruptly - muffling the music. She walked up to his door and knocked twice, instinctively waiting for a reply rather than barging in. “Yo.” she faintly heard. She pushed the door open as she twisted the handle, finding that she had to step down into the room.
“Milly?” he asked ambiguously, sitting up from his fully reclined state, “What are you doing here?”
“Single mothers without their kid on Christmas Eve, they wallow in bars right?” she asked, frowning, not truly knowing the answer herself. His velvet blue eyes met hers and his heart sank for her - he recalled Ville telling him he was having Oscar tonight - all it took was her lips tightening to conceal her wanting to cry for him to jump and and move quickly over to her, pulling her immediately into a hug and holding her tightly against himself. He felt her body stiffen and jerk as she repressed crying aloud. He ran his hand over her head and held her body close by holding her lower back. She inhaled deeply and sharply. “Fucking hell.” she breathed, her body relaxing against him, her head laying against his shoulder. He twirled his fingers in the handful of hair he was holding at the back of her neck and inhaled, his eyes staring mindlessly in front of him. “I’m sorry.” she sighed, “You have a million other things to do than comforting a crying fool.”
“Maybe.” he laughed softly, “But none of them more important.” he replied seriously, releasing her from the embrace in order to look at her face. It hadn’t escaped either of them that in the past few months their friendship had taken on a whole new identity to the jibing and catty friendship it once thrived as.
“Oh I don’t know, there’s some really hot chicks out there.” she chuckled, half-heartedly, running her ring fingers under her eyes. Jussi looked at his friend, knowing her well he knew her humour was a veil for hurt. He also knew all too well what that hurt felt like. He ran his hand down her arm and squeezed her hand, not breaking eye contact with her at all and simply smiled.
“Well they’re certainly not in here.” he laughed, returning to form, “You look exhausted.” he added for good measure. She laughed, having never realised just what she meant to him, because he was forever hidden in the shadow of her love for Ville.
“Jussi, I don’t know if I can do this.” she said, voice trembling, her body acting to lose it’s controlled composure in spite of her best efforts.
“You can..” he offered sincerely, lifting her hand to his mouth and kissing it “You are.” she shook her head.
“I saw the house, with Ville, with everyone.. Someone new is moving in and I freaked out. It just… I don’t.. I want..” she floundered, not knowing how to process her feelings about it, let alone her thoughts or words. “I have to go home, Jus…” she said in summary.
“Right now? This instant?” he proffered, pouting his lips into a coy smile.
“Maybe.” she said seriously.
“I would hate that.” he sighed, “We only just got you back.”
“It was only ever temporary. I have my whole life in LA, my house, the business, my friends, Oscar’s life..”
“At risk of sounding like Jyrki, home is where the heart is.”
“Oscar is my home.” she sighed, sitting against the edge of his desk, “I am so lost Jussi… I have no one to talk to about this stuff.”
“You have me.”
“How did you cope with it, with Rosa?” he exhaled and sat next to her, dropping his hands into his lap and furrowing his brow. His secret daughter he had hidden from the world, a topic that among them was never discussed unless he brought it up, but now she herself had decided she was old enough to be known.
“I didn’t have a choice. I just worked and worked and worked to keep my mind occupied from thinking how things could be different or how I could have done something better, just all those thoughts that tell you you’re wrong, or a bad parent or person, and all those doubts that I know are in you that are just horse shit. I just always did what I felt was right in my heart at the time, and always made sure that ultimately, above all else, that Rosa was happy.” she studied his face and nodded pensively.
“Was it an active decision to hide this bewildering intelligence too?”
“Absolutely.” he said picking up her hands and clapping them against his face causing her to laugh. She ran her thumbs over his jaw bone, thankful that he was being so kind, as he held her hands there still and smiled, “Milly, so long as Oscar is happy and healthy, you’re doing the best job in the world. I think you’re freaking out because you don’t know how you fit into all of this. Am I right?” he asked, dragging her hands down under his chin and leaning on them.
She averted his gaze and looked around the office, before exhaling like a blowfish as Oscar often did to make her laugh, “Do you have any whiskey in here?” she asked with wide eyes, he let a singular laugh escape, her proclivity for avoiding hard hitting questions hadn't changed in all the years he'd known her.
“Do I have any whiskey in here she asks.” he said with a bemused expression, walking over to a floor to ceiling cupboard and opening it up with feigned surprise. He theatrically grabbed a bottle of Jack from one shelve, flipping it in the air and catching it before taking
two glasses from another, dancing towards the door backwards, offering a welcoming grin, “C’mon, I’ve got a fire-pit and blankets on the roof and a pack of smokes in my pocket, let’s Christmas.”