Holding Hands Won't Be Enough

“Blankets may have been an exaggeration.” Jussi laughed, managing to locate the only blanket that hadn’t been left out in the snow earlier in the evening. Thankfully they had kept the large pod chair relatively dry for them both to sit on now they had to share. He sat down and cackled, “Come on, settle in babe.” he motioned cocking his brow and spreading his knees, “I’m packing heat.”

“Mhmm.” she sounded dryly, rolling her eyes, sitting down between his legs and leaning back, herself and Jussi both nestling into a comfortable position. He pulled the blanket around and handed her the edges, which she diligently pulled and tucked in in front of her. Jussi then handed her the glasses, which she held tightly as he poured the brown liquid in to the half way point.

“And for the finishing touch.” he grinned, his head tilting backwards after rifling in his pockets for a moment. She heard the lighter click a few times before seeing a cloud of smoke billow before them. “Ta-da!” he announced, holding one by her lips for her to take, which she did gently. She then handed him a glass, which they cheers’d and took a moment to enjoy their surroundings. She inhaled the smoke deeply and felt it relax her whole body - she wished it didn’t, she knew as a mother she shouldn’t, but her situation recently called for any form of relaxation she could get. She leant back into Jussi’s chest and watched the snow settling over Helsinki. “What do you want for Christmas, Milly?” he asked pensively, lifting his glass to his mouth. Her head dropped forward slightly and she stared into the burning ash the cigarette.

“A normal life?” she posited.

“Ehh-erhhh.” Jussi sounded like an incorrect buzzer before sniggering, “You didn’t have a normal life before this mess, look at our friendship circle.” she smiled and leant her head back against his chest.

“Very true.”

“Say it, out loud, it’ll make you feel better, I promise.” he goaded, bouncing his leg causing her to shake about. “You and I both know what you want.” she sighed and tapped the ring on her index finger against her glass as she took a long draw of her cigarette.

“I want Ville to not marry Jonna and for Jonna not to be having his fucking baby. That’s what I want.” she allowed the smoke to billow from her mouth as she spoke, her voice strained and husky from the smoke and how tired she was. “More than anything, that’s what I want.”

“You want to be with him?”

“I don’t know.” she replied honestly, shaking her head. “I honestly don’t know.”

“Why is that?”

“The more I think about what has happened, and why what happened happened, the more I remember about how it was, before it wasn’t anymore.. The pressure of our lives broke us. We were so busy and stressed, and coping with it in such different ways, that we stopped liking each other.”

“That happens to many couples.”

“I know.” she sighed, “But I’m scared of that ever happening again and Oscar being caught in the middle. It’s easier if I’m numb to what’s happening now. For everyone. It’s safer.”

“But you’re not numb to it.” he stated, “Are you?” he questioned. It took a moment, but she shook her head.

“Every time I see him, or speak to him, I fall back in love with him more; I remember things about him that I forgot, I learn things I didn’t know…” she said softly, her voice cracking into a small cry. “I can’t stay here and be his friend and watch the life I should have had with him unfold in front of me with Jonna and a new family, even the idea of it hurts too much. I can’t.” Jussi cuddled her closer, content that she had now spoken her truth to him, as he knew she needed to, to unburden herself. “He told me earlier that he often sits outside our house thinking of what could have been and my fucking heart Jus, it broke inside my chest. How did we fuck everything up so much?” she sobbed. “It’s like a living nightmare.”

“Hey now..” he hushed, holding her tightly, “It’s Christmas, you can’t keep crying, you’re too attractive.” she laughed softly.

“Are you saying I fucking ugly cry? As I’m getting upset?” she asked, turning around to look at him. He widened his expression and nodded, sniggering through his nose. “Lovely.” she sighed heavily, placing her glass to the side and dabbing her eyes with her sleeve. “What do I do?”

“Stay, at least for a little while. Go home, sort things out, come back.. Not for Ville, not for Oscar, but for you.. Being in California - all well and good - but your family is here. The people who love you are here. And I think you’ll need that when this situation escalates to a split family, don’t you?” she stared down at her sleeve, her brow furrowed, her mind a fuzz, she knew he was right, but she wanted him and everyone else to be wrong. She wanted to run away and pretend none of it existed, but Jussi was right, she knew it wouldn’t be as easy as before.

“I like you better when you’re insulting me.” she mumbled, he laughed heartily, pulling her head towards him and kissing her temple. “Come on, splishy splashy.” she smiled defeatedly, wiggling her empty glass at him.

Ville POV

————

Sitting on the bench looking out over his parents garden, Ville rolled his cigarette pensively between his index and middle fingers with his thumb, his foot bouncing up and down as his mind raced, the blur of thoughts and emotions boiling together pushed his brain to the brink of numbness. He was remiss to even notice his surroundings, so much so, Kari joining him on the bench scared the life out of him, “Jesus Christ”, he gasped, setting his foot on the ground to steady himself.

“You were on another planet, boy.” his father noted observantly, Ville dragged his hand over his face and grunted.

“I have been since-“

“The night Milly left.” Kari interrupted surely. Ville raised his brows and nodded, expelling an exhausted sigh. He closed his eyes and enjoyed the sound of the snow slowly falling, the stillness of the night, for a moment. He felt Kari’s hand placed on his knee, squeezing reassuringly. He held his eyes together tighter and swallowed hard; up until recently it wasn’t often Ville ever showed emotion like this, but these past few months had got him good.

“Dad.” he sniffed, unable to hold back any longer, patting his hand on Kari’s hand, still not having opened his eyes. He bowed his head towards Kari, who naturally cradling it into his chest. Ville arm reached up and held Kari’s, holding him close as if to stop him leaving, Kari holding his eldest son as he finally let the gravity of his situation, wash over him completely.

“Come now.” Kari said softly, gripping his son tightly. “You’re doing so well.”

“I ruined everything I ever wanted.”

“No, no…” Kari hushed. “You haven’t, a fool could see that.” he said pensively, rubbing his hand over Ville’s hair like he used to when he was a child. Ville sat back and took a deep breath in, attempting to regain composure. He looked into his father’s wise aged eyes, “That girl, is something else, you know that?”

“Of course I do.” Kari shook his head and patted Ville’s hand.

“No, you don’t.” he said seriously, “I watched the three of you in front of that house, standing like a family. I was listening to you, both of you reading to him, watching you through the door - just like I did to your mother with you and Jesse when you were young - a family - laughing, happy and in love.”

“She’s going back to California.. She said I’ll be too busy with Jonna and the baby.” Kari shook his head.

“She’s scared Ville. Like I said, any fool can see how much she still loves you. You need to be strong.”

“I can’t. I don’t want any of this. Not Jonna, not her baby, none of it.”

“Well there’s nothing that can be done about that now, so we all have to learn to live with it, don’t we.” he offered. Ville pulled another cigarette from the packet and, with his elbows on his knees and hands dangling down, dropped his head and sighed deeply.

“Yeah. What a reality.”

“I have something for you, son.” he said quietly, pulling an envelope from besides him. Ville turned his head and sat up straight, unsure as to what it was. “Jyrki called round the other day to drop it off, he told me it’s for you to give to Milly.”

“Jyrki brought it to you?” he asked, his expression quizzical and confused, taking the manilla package in his hand. “What is it?”

“Hope.” Kari smiled, he patted his sons hand and stood to his feet, “Merry Christmas darling boy.”