Everything You Want

He’s everything I’ve always wanted.

For years, I had held no stock in love. I always knew that I was going to grow old alone. While I could picture my friends getting into relationships and getting married, I honestly couldn’t foresee that for myself.

Sometimes it bothered me. Most of the time, it didn’t. I had learned to accept it long ago, and I knew that nothing was going to change. Sure, I had flings with guys. I had undeniably slept around, and I had been in multiple relationships that I probably could have been happy with. But every time I would start to get comfortable, I would, without fail, run.

I knew that my views of love were based largely off my own negative personal experiences with it. I knew if I didn’t push him away, he would push me away in the end. After all, everyone I cared about inevitably left me. I was tired of being wounded (and I was tired of seeing those around me wounded) by fucking “love”.

I tried my damndest to convince the world that I didn’t need love—that I could live without it. And maybe I could have, if I had kept up my act. But…despite my tough exterior, it was as though I was waiting for someone to come along and put me back together. Deep down, all I wanted was someone to fight for me—to want me enough to persist through my walls.

That’s when my sister got married to her long-time boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong; I was overjoyed for them. But something about seeing them together, and knowing they would be together forever, snapped something deep within me. For the first time, I began to openly consider what my life might be like if I found a man who loved me. I began to wonder if maybe it was possible for me to be in love with him, too.

That was right around the time I met Jonathan. He was friends with a friend of my sister’s husband, or some shit like that, and had ended up at the wedding. Somehow, we got around to talking, and before I quite realized what happened, Captain Serious himself was asking me out for coffee.

“What the hell?” I thought. “Why not?” After all, I had always been a huge fan of his. I also knew that I would probably never get another chance like this in my life. So, with my new revelations about relationships in mind, I agreed.

He turned out to be everything I wanted. He was kind and gentle when I needed someone to lean on, and he was just enough of a smartass to keep me on my toes. He was a fantastic lover in bed, and he genuinely cared about what I had to say. He had this way of saying all of the right things at exactly the right time. He was beautiful, and it was obvious that everyone around him loved everything about him. I truly admired him as a person, and I couldn’t help but wish I was more like him—more put-together, admirable, and…happy.

But despite his near perfection, I couldn’t bring myself to love him. Admire him—yes. But care for him? Psh. I couldn’t even muster concern for his wellbeing. When Brooks Orpik slammed into him during a Penguins VS Blackhawks game that Jon had gotten me front row tickets for, I barely even cringed, even though the hit happened right in front of my seat. I felt guilty for days afterwards, not knowing why I hadn’t cared. Jon had been on the ice for quite some time, unable to move, before shakily getting to his feet and skating off.

Jonathan deserved better. So, even though he was exactly what I thought I wanted, I broke off our relationship and crawled back into my hole of an apartment. I continued writing small articles for a music magazine, and I couldn’t help but speculate about where my life was going. Slowly, my old insecurities began creeping back into my thoughts, and I started to wonder why I had even given a relationship a chance in the first place. I knew that I would be just fine with being alone. After all, I had managed all of these years, hadn’t I?

And I was fine…for awhile. But soon I began to miss Jon—not just for who he was, but for the things he would do for me, like hold me securely in his arms when I couldn’t sleep, or send me flowers when he was away on road games. I started to think about the time I had the flu, and how he brought me movies and soup, and we sat around together for hours. That’s when the tears silently started falling, as I vainly listened for the sounds of his footsteps padding around my apartment—the echoes of an angel who I knew would never return.

And I realized that even though I thought Jon meant nothing to me as a person, he did. He introduced me to the concept of love, and I realized that, while I could live without someone in my life…I quite honestly didn’t want to anymore. With that, I started thinking about all of the guys I had rejected. I thought about what might have happened if I hadn’t run away from all of them. I wondered where I might be.

I still didn’t think I was quite right for Jonathan, and I knew that he wasn’t quite right for me. But, damnnit, I wasn’t going to give up hope again. Because Jon had shown me that maybe, just maybe, there was someone out there in the world who was my perfect match. And I was going to keep fighting and keep trying until I found him.

With a little hesitation, I pulled out my phone from my back pocket. Typing the old familiar number, I shot off one simple message: Thank you for everything, Jon.