You're Just a Daydream Away

My mother and father had been fighting for weeks, maybe even months now. They had always waited until they thought I went to bed but I'd sit at the top of the stairs and listen to the venomous words they yelled at each other. I was sick of hearing the bickering so I walked back to my room and called Andy. 

"They're fighting again." I sighed.
"About what this time?"
"I don't even know anymore. They fight about fighting."
"Well you should go talk to them. Be an observing third party. Or suggest they go to therapy or something."
"There's no use, Andy. There's nothing I can do." I groaned hopelessly. 
"If you tell yourself that then obviously there's not. Be more positive!"
"How the fuck am I supposed to be positive? My parents are downstairs screaming at each other for no god damn reason! The only thing I'm positive about is that they're probably going to get a divorce!" I pretty much yelled. Andy was silent on the other end of the phone, but she didn't hang up. "Andy I'm sorry. My life is crashing and burning to the ground right now."

I know it's always cliche to say, but when my boyfriend Kyle cheated on me and left me, the universe punched me in the face the same time he did. My world ended when he left. I had been dating him so long, I didn't know how to live without him. I had started getting really dark and depressed after he attacked me. Now my parents were fighting, I was basically failing out of my senior year, and Andy and I were starting to fight. Every person I've ever loved is deserting me. I had no where to run to, no where to hide.

"I have to go. I'll see you at school tomorrow. You're going right?" she hissed.
"I don't know yet." I said unemotionally. With that, the call ended. 

A week later, I couldn't take the constant fighting anymore. I snapped at them twice, but it just fueled the fire. I stood in my bathroom staring at myself in the mirror, trying to find what part of me pushes everyone away. Was it my posture? I never stood up straight. My hair? I tried my best to make it look presentable but lately I haven't tried as hard. My face? Another thing I neglected through this war. What was it? What drove people away?

There was one afternoon that it was way too quiet when I got home. Both my parents were home, but no yelling could be heard.  I walked up to my room and saw my mom's stuff packed up in the guest room. I dropped my school stuff in my room then ran downstairs. My parents were standing in the living room, completely unaware that I had come home from school.

"I still love you, Billy, but this fighting is too much." my mom said putting her hand on my dads shoulder. He looked like a zombie.
"It's no reason to leave, Kim. What about Elizabeth? She needs you here. She's been a wreck lately and needs her mother. We can try to be more civil around her."
"Bill, we both know it's been over for a few months now. We can't deny it. The spark just isn't there." I stopped listening when she said this.

She was just going to dump my dad and I to the curb like that? As if we were old toys left on the side of the road? How could she treat my dad like he was gum on her shoe and completely and totally break his heart?

"You heartless bitch!" I found myself yelling. "If she wants to leave then just let her! We're clearly not good enough for her!" They turned to me and looked shocked. 
"Elizabeth..." my dad started.
"No. She doesn't care that she clearly just stomped all over your heart, dad!" I was still yelling. 
"Sweetie, you don't understand. Sometimes people just stop loving each other." my mother used her calm voice.
"BULLSHIT." I hollered. "You can't fall out of love with someone! If you stop loving someone, you never loved them at all! You've both said hurtful things to each other. I understand that but there's no way you don't still love each other! Now please just make up and forget this ever happened." I begged. I had tears streaming down my face and my voice had gotten hoarse from yelling. We all just stared at each other, not knowing what to say next.

Then, my mother looked back at my dad, placed her hand on his cheek, and waited for a reaction. When nothing was said or done, she huffed bitchily and walked out the door. I jumped a little when it slammed. I fell back onto the stairs when my knees gave out. 

Did she really just leave? After everything I said? She obviously never loved my father. She wouldn't have been able to leave so easily. I looked over at my dad and I could tell he was thinking all the same thing I was. I tried to figure out what to do next. As of I was on auto pilot, I walked up to the guest room where my mother had been sleeping. I opened all the boxes she had taped up. I opened the window that faced the front yard, grabbed some clothes from the box, and threw them out the window. I emptied most of the boxes until I came across a picture of me and her from our vacation a few years ago. We were both smiling huge and looked so happy.

I held onto the picture and started full out crying for the first time in years. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe. I had finally snapped. A flood of emotions took over my body and reminded me of every mistake I've ever made and everyone that has ever walked out on me. I looked down at the picture of my mother and I again. It had been taken just two years ago. How could things have gotten that bad that fast? I lifted my arm and threw the picture at the wall and saw it smash into a bunch of pieces. 

When I calmed down enough, I called Andy to tell her what happened.

"She left Andy." I whispered. If I had said it any louder, I would've cried again.
"You didn't try to stop her?" 
"I obviously tried to stop her Andy! She my mother! I couldn't just watch her walk out the door without saying anything!"
"Then why did she leave?"
"She claims she fell out of love with my dad." I grumbled. 
"Try to get her back, Beth."
"I don't want her back. She obviously thinks my dad and I aren't good enough for her. If she wants out, so be it."
"You're gonna give up that easily?" she sounded astonished.
"You think I'm giving up?" I asked, equally shocked. I hung up before she muttered anything else.

---------------
The next few weeks sucked. I had got a tutor so improve my grades for colleges but still had no desire to do anything but lay in my bed all day. The only time I got out of bed was to pee, study, and occasionally eat. My tutor noticed my weight loss but I denied it. 

No matter what happened to me, I felt alone and useless and hopeless and helpless. Nothing could cheer me up anymore. I suddenly got very depressed and my thoughts started scaring me but at the same time, I listened to them and believed them.

My dad sent me to a rehab center after the third time I'm tried to kill myself. I just didn't care anymore. I tried drowning in the tub, overdosing on my moms heart rate medicine she left behind, and because the others failed, hanging myself. 

I had been in the center for two weeks do I was finally allowed visitors. My dad and Andy came, and I didn't expect anyone else to ever show up. My dad said he understood my reasoning, that was it was stupid to try it so many times, that he forgave me, and that he was sorry he had ignored me.

Andy, however, came to tell me she was scared of what I could do to myself and thought it'd be best for us to not talk anymore. When she walked out of the treatment center, that was the last time I saw or heard from her. Another person walked out of my life.

I can't remember how but somehow I had gotten my hands on a knife type object and started cutting. I almost went too deep once but the nurses stopped me from doing anything stupid.

"You're only 18, Elizabeth. You have so much to live for and offer the world. All of this will get better. I swear." she said calmly as she hugged me. Her name tag read Sue. She had dirty blonde curly hair and hazel eyes. 
"But everyone I've ever loved has walked out on me." I cried. "I'm not good enough for anyone to love!"
"Elizabeth look at me. You are. Obviously your dad loves you enough to send you here. He cares about you and wants you around."

She gave me a whole speech about this. Somehow she managed to become my full time nurse. I got really close to her and ended up telling her more than I told my doctor.

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After a little more than a year and a half in the rehab center, I was released and convinced myself I was cured. I used the tricks Sue had taught me to push the negative thoughts away. For the first time in a while I felt alright, even though I had no one to celebrate with.

Andy called me three months after I was released. She had moved to California so that was her excuse for not visiting. We slowly got back in touch but she never apologized for leaving me alone. I never forgave her.