The Capitol's Tribute

I was the first one in the dining room this time. It felt strange to be on time for things now when I had such little time left. Time was meaningless until you were running out of it. Now, I found myself unconsciously counting down, as if my internal clock knew what was coming as well.

A blonde Avox boy came by and served me my food. Some delicious meaty soup. I picked at it until the rest of my companions filed in. None of them looked particularly happy while I held a small smile on my face.

“Have a good mentoring?” I asked as Brant slumped in his chair.

“It was fine.” He mumbled darkly. It looked like someone wasn’t getting what they wanted. I bit back a smug grin but caught Peeta gazing at me, worried and frustrated. I glanced back down at my food and we ate in silence for a few moments. Brant sighed, giving up on his pity party and started up conversation.

“They couldn’t have kept us in a bleaker place to say our goodbyes, could they?” Brant joked mildly.

I shook my head, remembering the Justice Building in District 12. “Makes it more dramatic I suppose.” I slurped on the soup in front of me.

“Who came and visited you?” He asked in such a casual voice that he might have just been asking about the weather.

I suddenly wasn’t in the talking mood. Gale had come to visit me, Brant had to know that. But, I didn’t exactly want to talk about it, especially not in front of Katniss.

“Madge came.” I said shortly. Brant looked at me, expecting a little more. “She gave me a token to take into the arena.” As soon as I uttered the words, I regretted them. I felt embarrassed to have the same token as Katniss. I didn’t want anyone to get the idea that I was trying to copy her, to be her. I didn’t want Peeta to infer that and he surely would see it as a pathetic stab at getting him back. But, it wasn’t.

“Really?” Katniss smiled kindly, “She gave me mine as well. What’s yours?”

I thought fast about what other tributes had brought into the arena. I didn’t want to see her face when she found out my token was the sister of hers. She would laugh, most likely. And I wanted to be in the arena before they knew what my token was another mocking-jay pin. “A ribbon.” I said lamely.

Madge was known for always wearing a ribbon in her hair. They couldn’t dispute me, really. But, the look on Peeta’s face told me that he could tell I was liar. He could always see right through me. That was one of the things I loved most about him. I could lie to the world through my teeth when all I wanted was to curl up and die and Peeta would know. He would know how much I was hurting and he would just hold me and promise things would get better. He was as big of a liar as I was.

“Madge came to see me as well.” Brant smiled lightly, his eyes seemed distant. I looked at Brant strangely.

“Did she give you a ribbon, too?” I joked.

He shook his head, “Well, not exactly. She gave me a token, but not the kind you can wear.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Peeta questioned, looking at Brant suspiciously.

“She—she—” He seemed a bit embarrassed and sad at the same time, “She kissed me.”

I began to choke on the hot liquid that was caught it my throat. “Madge kissed you?” I wheezed. I always knew she had a thing for Brant but never thought she’d act on it. I guess leaving for the Games is as good a time as any.

“Yeah,” He breathed as if he was still unsure himself.

“Well, we’ll have to make sure we get you back to your lover.” I meant it as a joke but it caused the room to go deathly silent. Brant glared at me, furious at my comment.

“So, what did Gale have to say?” Brant questioned, knowing I didn’t want to talk about it. He was punishing me for my comment. I had already said goodbye to Gale, I didn’t want to think about him anymore.

“Nothing.” I said harshly.

“Did he kiss you, too?” Brant pursed his lips, “Confess his love for you?”

“Shut up, Brant,” My voice raised in distress. I was well aware that Peeta and Katniss were nosily intruding on our private conversation.

“Did he?” Brant prodded. He had, yes. But not the way Brant was insinuating. He kissed me friendly on the forehead like Brant would do; his love for me was the same as mine for Brant or Finnick.

“It’s not what you think.” I hissed. I caught Katniss glancing mournfully out the window. Brant was being an ass. He was not only hurting us but Katniss as well. I knew she missed Gale and it was no use reopening that wound. Peeta’s face was growing red but he pretended to find his glass cup very interesting all of the sudden.

“He loves you like Madge does me. What kind of friend would I be if I didn’t send you home to him?” Brant muttered darkly.

“Yeah, because Madge isn’t my friend so I don’t care how badly she’s hurt over your death.” I seethed, slamming my hand on the table. “Stop this, Brant! It’s no use! Gale and I will only be just friends. You and Madge could be so much more!”

“You can be more, too, when I get you home.” But I wasn’t coming home.

I didn’t say that, of course. I didn’t want to keep fighting with Brant when we had so little time together. Also, I didn’t want my private business being thrown about with Katniss and Peeta present. I didn’t want to talk about my old life, about Madge and her mocking-jay pin, about what Gale and I could have been, about what Peeta and I had been. I didn’t want to talk about dad or Jay or how Ma didn’t bring the twins to say goodbye. None of it! It was too painful.

But as if Brant could read my mind, he brought up the thing that haunted me the most “What did Ma tell you?” Brant asked suddenly.

I furrowed my brow, my spoon of food halted mid-bite, closing my eyes. “What?”

“Ma,” He repeated, “What did she say when she came to say goodbye?”

I remembered how I had foolishly waited the remainder of my time in the Justice Building for the visit that would never come. Sickness filled my throat and suddenly my appetite vanished. “She, uh, wished me luck.” I avoided his gaze.

I heard Brant’s fork clatter to the floor. I glanced up and saw Katniss and Peeta peering at Brant, bewildered. Brant looked horrified, his mouth gaping open.

“She—she didn’t come see you, did she?” His voice was small and confused. There was no point in lying.

“No,” I said, my voice filled with hatred momentarily. “Must have slipped her mind.”

Katniss let out an involuntary gasp. A nasty crunch filled the air. Peeta—who had been drinking from his interesting glass—was suddenly drenched in water, blood covered his hand. He had somehow managed to break the glass with his grip. My eyes widened at the sight of blood—feeling a bit woozy—but I shot up immediately and grabbed a towel, covering his hand.

I dabbed it lightly, my mind elsewhere as I tended to Peeta almost mechanically. I thought of a time—a few days before the Reaping—when Peeta had accidentally cut himself with a knife, cutting bread at the bakery. He had laughed at his clumsiness, looking at me so lovingly at that moment like Katniss Everdeen would never come and rip this apart. I could still feel his lips on mine as he thanked me.

It took me a few moments to realize where I was. But, once it did, it hit me full force. I had refused to let myself remember those happy times with Peeta, times where the world seemed to melt away and we were the only people alive, so blissfully in love. But, we were sixteen. What did we know anyway?

I could feel those wretched tears coming and I excused myself. I heard Peeta’s voice call after me but my feet automatically took me to my room as my brain tried to override itself with images of Gale teaching me to use a bow (though, not on living things) or Finnick cracking a stupid joke. But, it didn’t work. In fact, it made it worse. I found myself biting a hole through my lip, trying to stop the tears. I was mildly successful, but now blood dripped steadily down my face.

I sniffed, rummaging through my drawers, looking desperately for a towel. It was like the only towel on the entire train was the one with Peeta. I whimpered at the pain that throbbed in my lip until a towel popped into my view. A clean towel with a large hand clasping it.

“Here,” His voice said quietly. He tried to place it on my lip but I snatched it away, feeling angry at him for almost making me cry. Peeta stepped back, flinching. “Sorry.” He muttered.

I placed the cloth on my lip, feeling guilty for snapping at him. I remembered what Haymitch had told me. If I wanted help to get Brant to win, I had to apologize. And here I was, standing alone with Peeta for the first time in a year. This was the first conversation we’d had since the Justice Building last year. Now was as good a time as any to make good on my deal. I just hoped I could hold up my end of the bargain. But, what was the use feeling so angry at Peeta anymore? There was no use. I would be dead and the silent treatment wouldn’t save Brant.

“No,” I cleared my throat, “I’m sorry.”

Peeta glanced at me with a confused expression on his beautiful face. He opened his mouth to ask something but I turned away and sat down on the window sill, watching the country of Panem flash by as we rapidly approached the Capitol.

It took him a few moments to decide whether or not to take a seat next to me. When he felt it was safe, he hesitantly sat down, a little too close for my liking. I tried to scoot away discreetly but he knew what I was doing. I could see him trying to mask the hurt as he scooted back a bit as well.

We sat in silence, trying to decide how best to go about this. What do you say after a year of silence? What words could possibly repair the damage of years of friendship—of love—gone, all because of the simple, seemingly harmless words Peeta had uttered in his interview. Nothing. Nothing could really fix it. But, we had to at least try.

“When my parents came to visit me in the Justice Building after you,” Peeta started, making sure to avoid my eye, “They told me that District 12 could finally have a victor.”

“Congrats. Your family believed you could win.” My voice void of emotion, “I told you the same thing, remember?”

Peeta nodded, “I remember everything you said. But, my mom wasn’t talking about me.”

I looked up at Peeta, shocked. His mom could be heartless and cold but that was just cruel. But, how different was it than what my mother had done? That must have been why he as telling me, he was sympathizing with my pain. I felt anger flash through me. Peeta could never understand how I felt. He was going to live a long, happy life with Katniss. My was short and full of pain.

“I’m sorry.” I said again, trying to make it sound more heartfelt than it felt.

“No, you’re not.” He said calmly. “But, I don’t expect you to be. How could I expect you to feel an ounce of sympathy after what you’ve been through, after what I’ve put you through?”

I pulled at a loose string on my dress. Pleasantries were over. The real talk was about to begin.

I was hit with a horrible realization as he sniffed loudly. Peeta Mellark was crying. How dare he have the nerve to cry in front of me! Everything he did only made it that much harder to forgive him. I wanted to tell him to shut up, to be a man! But, Haymitch’s irritated face flashed in my mind.

“I’m so sorry, Rix,” A tear fell on the window sill as he made to grab my hand. I pulled it away abruptly, being horribly reminded of Gale as he held my hand for the last time in the Justice Building. Gale who would soon be all alone in District 12. But, that wasn’t true. He had Madge and Rory and Posy and his mother and everyone else in District 12. He would never be truly alone. Once I was gone, he could get over what happened with Katniss. I must be a reminder to him of the events at the Games, how we lost our loves. Maybe my death would be a good thing for him.

I swallowed the lump in my throat as Peeta went on, wiping his tears fervently. “I can’t even begin to image what it was like for you. Back home, watching it without knowing what was really going on. Worried, terrified, knowing you couldn’t do anything to help. And I just sat up there, sweet talking the crowd, playing the star-crossed lovers card,” He barked out a dark laugh, his eyes alight with anger. “But, I thought of you every second I said those things about Katniss.”

My breath caught in my throat. Why would he say something that horrible to me? “Good to know I was in the back of your mind when you confessed your love to Katniss and the Capitol.” I sneered.

Peeta gasped, “It wasn’t like that, Rix! It was never like that!”

I pulled my knees into my chest as if to lock my heart up. “We can’t fix this, Peeta.” I sighed, feeling exhausted from the year of radio silence, of heartache, of desertion. “I thought that maybe one day I could forgive you—but we’re out of time.”

Peeta looked at me desperately with his large blue eyes. “Rixa, please—”

“I need you to understand that I won’t be coming back.” I interrupted. The serious look on my face clearly told him not to argue this. “That being said, we need to move on. At least, I do, for the remainder of my days. And I can’t give you the satisfaction of total and complete forgiveness. All I can give you is a promise. A promise that you’ll be happier when I’m gone, that I’ll be in better place where I can forgive you.” I stared, closing my eyes briefly as a clear memory forced its way up, something that would help both of us, “Maybe one day you’ll be in the bakery, staring at that huge black scorch mark where I almost set fire to that damn building and know that you’ve been truly forgiven. But, that’s the best I can give you right now, Peeta. And I’m sorry I can’t give you anything more.” I let out a deep breath and felt a weight lifted off my shoulders. It wasn’t much but this was a start. The start of the end of our relationship.

Peeta nodded, biting back his retorts and disapproval of my plan not to come back. He didn’t want to let this small bit a peace fall away. I was dangling a small life line tauntingly in front of this face; he couldn’t let it slip away as easily as he let me. “That’s all I deserve at this point.” He said in a low, calm voice. “I’ll stare at that spot everyday, waiting for you.”

I allowed myself to smile lightly at him, to reach out and touch his hand. Peeta gripped it tightly as if I would take my peace offering back when he released it. We sat like that for a long time. It felt nice, being close to Peeta again. But, I knew it wouldn’t last. Nothing ever did.

Peace, love, life. Eventually something would come along and mess it all up.