Archangel's Chagrin
Open Mouth. Insert Foot.
A number of child-angels gather around their mother up in the Refuge, each taking a seat on the grass to eagerly await the forbidden story: How Mum and Dad Met.
"Mother!" the eldest, almost a teenager, chirps. "Tell us, please!"
A chorus of cherub voices cry out in agreement like the tinkering of old church bells.
"Yes, mother!"
"Tell us!"
"Please tell us!"
The mother laughs, her face a beacon of light and joy as she gestures for the children to sit quietly.
"Very well then, children," she replies serenely, gazing at each of her children in adoration. "Your father was an angel, and I was a Guild Hunter - which means that I hunted vampires for Angels. He had a very special job for me. Now, back in these days, your father was a very scary man. He almost killed me several times!" Elena chuckled at the joyous memories. "He was a cold-blooded, ruthless monster yet there was a strange, inexplicable attraction to him that I fought against. At first..."
The teenage daughter squeals involuntarily and interrupts her mother. "How romantic! I'm going to find a man who wants to kill me! Then I'm going to marry him!"
Elena looks concerned. "Erm-"
"Well," says her next eldest daughter, "I'm going to find a man that ACTUALLY tries to kill me, and then he's going to fall in love with me and then we'll get married."
Elena shakes her head in confusion. "Wait-"
"Hmph," scoffs the youngest daughter, not to be outdone. "Well, I'm going to find a man that wants to kill me, and then tries to kill me, and then changes his mind. BUT, while I'm with him I'm going to get so badly injured that he has to sacrifice who I am in order to save me so that we can still be together in some form or another!" she bursts out, almost turning red from the exertion.
"How romantic!" the other two croon before all three turn and begin to compete over who can come up with the most romantic scenario.
Finally, the youngest and Elena’s only boy chirps in, “Well, when I meet a girl, I’m going to keep reminding her how much better than her I am and then hit on her relentlessly, even if she shows not sign of wanting me at all!”
His older sisters stop. “You are such a sweetheart!” They swoon.
“Every girl’s going to want you!” another says with dreamy eyes.
“Stop!” Elena says, finally managing to settle the children down. “Son! You can’t act like that! When you find someone you love, you need to treat them with respect and be in partnership with them. Sure, you can be attracted to them and make advances-“
“I'm going to find a man that can't keep his hands off me, no matter how many times I tell him to leave me alone!" the first daughter says, interrupting her mother again as her face glowed in eagerly awaited anticipation.
"Well, I'm going to find a man that can't keep his hands off me, even if I SHOOT HIM!"
"Well, I'm going to find a man that can’t keep his hands off me, even if it could mean his own death!"
“Yeah?” the little boy says, his voice rising above the rest with his enthusiasm. “Well, when I meet the girl of my dreams and her association with me eventually gets her grievously injured, I’ll choose to die with her rather than continue my lonely and forever altered existence!”
Elena sits and stares at her squabbling daughters in shock and confusion until she eventually breaks in. "Girls! Girls! You need to find someone safe! Someone you can love, who loves you without threatening or manipulating you! Can't you see? These fantasies aren't healthy, girls!"
"Why not?" the eldest daughter asks in shock.
"Yeah, mother? Why can't we?" the middle child adds.
"It worked for you, didn't it?" her youngest asks.
“Don’t you see?” Elena begs. “It simply isn’t realistic or healthy to fantasize about these things! And son, your life doesn’t stop with the death of a woman! She wouldn’t want you to give up and dramatically sacrifice everything, just because she died!”
Her son scratches his head. “Why not?”
Then Arnold Schwarzeneggar rushes in on the heels of an explosion while screaming at everyone to, "Run! Get to zeh choppah!"
Before dashing out after her sisters, brother and Arnold Schwarzeneggar, the youngest daughter stops and reassures her mother, "It's okay, Mum. Really! We're bound to have a dues ex machina ending where everything works out perfectly. Just like you!"
~*~THE END~*~
"Mother!" the eldest, almost a teenager, chirps. "Tell us, please!"
A chorus of cherub voices cry out in agreement like the tinkering of old church bells.
"Yes, mother!"
"Tell us!"
"Please tell us!"
The mother laughs, her face a beacon of light and joy as she gestures for the children to sit quietly.
"Very well then, children," she replies serenely, gazing at each of her children in adoration. "Your father was an angel, and I was a Guild Hunter - which means that I hunted vampires for Angels. He had a very special job for me. Now, back in these days, your father was a very scary man. He almost killed me several times!" Elena chuckled at the joyous memories. "He was a cold-blooded, ruthless monster yet there was a strange, inexplicable attraction to him that I fought against. At first..."
The teenage daughter squeals involuntarily and interrupts her mother. "How romantic! I'm going to find a man who wants to kill me! Then I'm going to marry him!"
Elena looks concerned. "Erm-"
"Well," says her next eldest daughter, "I'm going to find a man that ACTUALLY tries to kill me, and then he's going to fall in love with me and then we'll get married."
Elena shakes her head in confusion. "Wait-"
"Hmph," scoffs the youngest daughter, not to be outdone. "Well, I'm going to find a man that wants to kill me, and then tries to kill me, and then changes his mind. BUT, while I'm with him I'm going to get so badly injured that he has to sacrifice who I am in order to save me so that we can still be together in some form or another!" she bursts out, almost turning red from the exertion.
"How romantic!" the other two croon before all three turn and begin to compete over who can come up with the most romantic scenario.
Finally, the youngest and Elena’s only boy chirps in, “Well, when I meet a girl, I’m going to keep reminding her how much better than her I am and then hit on her relentlessly, even if she shows not sign of wanting me at all!”
His older sisters stop. “You are such a sweetheart!” They swoon.
“Every girl’s going to want you!” another says with dreamy eyes.
“Stop!” Elena says, finally managing to settle the children down. “Son! You can’t act like that! When you find someone you love, you need to treat them with respect and be in partnership with them. Sure, you can be attracted to them and make advances-“
“I'm going to find a man that can't keep his hands off me, no matter how many times I tell him to leave me alone!" the first daughter says, interrupting her mother again as her face glowed in eagerly awaited anticipation.
"Well, I'm going to find a man that can't keep his hands off me, even if I SHOOT HIM!"
"Well, I'm going to find a man that can’t keep his hands off me, even if it could mean his own death!"
“Yeah?” the little boy says, his voice rising above the rest with his enthusiasm. “Well, when I meet the girl of my dreams and her association with me eventually gets her grievously injured, I’ll choose to die with her rather than continue my lonely and forever altered existence!”
Elena sits and stares at her squabbling daughters in shock and confusion until she eventually breaks in. "Girls! Girls! You need to find someone safe! Someone you can love, who loves you without threatening or manipulating you! Can't you see? These fantasies aren't healthy, girls!"
"Why not?" the eldest daughter asks in shock.
"Yeah, mother? Why can't we?" the middle child adds.
"It worked for you, didn't it?" her youngest asks.
“Don’t you see?” Elena begs. “It simply isn’t realistic or healthy to fantasize about these things! And son, your life doesn’t stop with the death of a woman! She wouldn’t want you to give up and dramatically sacrifice everything, just because she died!”
Her son scratches his head. “Why not?”
Then Arnold Schwarzeneggar rushes in on the heels of an explosion while screaming at everyone to, "Run! Get to zeh choppah!"
Before dashing out after her sisters, brother and Arnold Schwarzeneggar, the youngest daughter stops and reassures her mother, "It's okay, Mum. Really! We're bound to have a dues ex machina ending where everything works out perfectly. Just like you!"
~*~THE END~*~
♠ ♠ ♠
Hmm, never mind. I take back everything I said. This is totally realistic.