I Only Miss You When I'm Breathing

“I love you so much, Kyle.” Logan whispered to the girl.

He opened his eyes. He sighed and got out of the bed, holding his nose as he walked into the hallway. Whenever he reached the kitchen he got the nose plugs. The entire house smelled like Kyle. And it was painful to smell Kyle’s perfume or her clothes. Everything was still there except for the things that they had taken.

Today was the day of the funeral. Kyle had died four days ago in a car accident. She was coming home from a late shift at the hospital. Kyle was a nurse. She cared. A drunk driver, a fifteen year old kid, had hit her head on. There were two things that had killed her. Two things that weren’t supposed to happen had killed his wife. His beautiful wife. Kyle had brown hair that fell just to her shoulders and blue eyes that lit up the entire day for Logan. The fifteen year old had been drinking, obviously not the correct age. And he was driving underage. Logan got the phone call waiting up for Kyle.

He got himself a beer from the fridge and downed it, throwing the can on the ground. Why did it matter anymore? Kyle had been the only one. He’d known Kyle since fourth grade whenever she moved from Kentucky to Alabama in the house next door. His parents and her parents had become friends and Kyle had become Logan’s best friend.

Logan went to the bathroom and dressed himself in the black tuxedo that he’d gotten married in and combed through his hair. At least he should look nice for his wife’s funeral. He put on his wedding ring and picked up Kyle’s engagement ring. She still had her wedding ring on but Logan had gotten the wrong size so it was too tight about a year later whenever her fingers had gotten bigger. He’d gotten it strung onto a chain and she wore it around her neck. She hadn’t been wearing it whenever she was in the car accident.

He got his cell phone and turned it off. He left it on the kitchen counter and got in the car. He was going over to his old lane where his parents still lived next to hers.

He got to the house and fished out his spare key for his parents’ house.

He walked upstairs to his old room. His little brother, Tyson, was fourteen and still lived at home. Tyson had kept his room.

As soon as Tyson saw Logan, he rose from his spot on the floor where he was picking out a tuxedo. He hugged his older brother. He’d loved Kyle too. He loved Kyle’s thirteen year old sister, Kaylie, more though. They were dating, just like Logan had dated Kyle.

Kaylie would be there. Kaylie would be with Tyson. Kyle would be there. Dead.

“You’re here early, man.” He whispered, still hugging his older brother. It had been hard for Tyson seeing his brother’s wife, his sister-in-law die before she was thirty.

“Home isn’t home anymore.” Logan whispered. “It’s just the place she lived. Now she’s gone and I don’t want to be there.”

“Then why don’t you come home, Logan?” Tyson asked, pulling away from his taller brother. He looked at him with his big brown eyes. “It’s not healthy what you’re doing.”

“What am I doing, Ty?” Logan asked, sounding lethal. “I’m grieving the death of my wife. We weren’t even married for two years yet, Tyson! And now she’s gone. And it was probably one of your stupid friends out driving and drinking whenever he wasn’t supposed to.”

Tyson stepped back a step, “Look, Log. I know you’re sad about what happened to Kyle, but you have to understand she’s in heaven. And I know it sounds mushy, but there’s absolutely no way, Kyle didn’t make it there. She was the nicest girl I even knew. I miss her too, but Logan, it’s not okay to just go around your house shoving stuff up your nose so that you can’t smell her. That’s not okay!”

“My wife just died.”

“And that wasn’t her fault, Logan. She’s probably watching every step you make and she wouldn’t want this.”

Logan didn’t say anything, but he turned and walked into his room. He looked around. The wall was covered in photos of him and his friends. He took them off, smiling slightly, looking at the captions.

The loser and me :P, Oh yesss! Kyle in a bikini and me and Ty watchin’ them, hanging out with my BFF: Ky Ky, Peace love and oh yeah: my sexy bff, the loser and Tyson and Kay, Kaylie and Kyle and me hanging out on the beach : notice the drinks, alcohol for me water for Kyle, Kyle liked this, I got this!

All of them had Kyle in them. Every single one. The loser was Kyle. He’d loved these pictures. Kyle was his best friend. And even whenever he had had girlfriends, they all knew that Kyle was his favorite girl. She always came first. And whenever they began dating in high school and it continued in college, although they went to different universities. And as soon as he graduated college, he asked her to be his forever. And she had agreed.

And then life, life had been whole for Logan. Logan and Kyle Pierceton. Life was good. Kyle had been twenty seven whenever she died.

He missed her. Every second of every single day she wasn’t there, he missed her. He missed her whenever he drank a beer. He missed her whenever he got a shower. He missed her whenever he picked up his phone to answer condolence calls. He missed her whenever he climbed in and out of bed. He only missed her whenever he was breathing.

He laid down on the bed, pressing the photos to his chest, tears spurting from his eyes. This wasn’t supposed to be the way it happened. They were going to have kids someday. They were going to grow old together.

He sighed, “Kyle, why did you have to die on me? We were going to do everything together. I loved you. And I still do. And there’s nobody that will ever replace you. You might be thinking, he’s going to find someone else. But Kyle, I can’t. I will never ever find anyone else. You know why?” he paused, wiping at his hot tears. “Because tonight, after your funeral, I will go home and kill myself. I would do anything to be with you, Kyle. And if I have to, I will. I’ll do anything, anything. And I’ll see you on the other side, Kyle. Tonight. Wait at the gates for me. I’ll be there.”



He climbed into his parent’s car and sat in the back seat, beside his younger brother, Tyson. Tyson kept glancing at his big brother, who had stopped crying, but his eyes were red and puffy. The Thomas’s were in their car across the fence, buckling in their youngest son Kurt. He was only two and he barely knew his oldest sister. Kaylie was sitting in the back, dabbing at her eyes with a white handkerchief. The Thomas’s were both crying as they climbed into the car.

They turned onto the street, in front of the Thomas’s and drove their way to the funeral home. A bunch of people were already there, in black. Her nurse friends, college friends, high school friends, their spouses, Logan’s friends, their spouses, children, patients of hers, her cousins, his cousins, their friends, their church, and others. Kyle was a loved woman.

Matt, Logan’s best friend in college, came up behind him, hugging him. “I’m sorry, Log.”

Logan nodded. “Thanks.”

He walked inside along with his in-laws and parents and brother. Tyson had gone to Kaylie, wrapping her in a hug. She cried against his shoulder, her body shook with sobs.

Logan blew out a huge breath and walked into the room. There she was. Her short brown hair was softly curled and she had a bit of mascara and eyeliner. She was dressed in her wedding gown, a simple white dress that fell to her feet and was strapless. She had flowers surrounding her, especially purple “monkey faces”, as Kyle called them. She looked beautiful. Stunning.

Logan leaned in and kissed her cheek. It was cold. “I brought you your engagement ring, Ky.” He laid the necklace on her chest. He sighed and looked around. Softly he whispered, “I’ll be with you soon, Kyle. I promise. I promise, it won’t be long.” He was in tears now. “I miss you so much, Kyle. Why? Why did that guy have to do that? He’s going to burn in hell, Kyle. I know it. He did three sins in one. All to my wife. My freaking wife. You were only twenty seven, Ky.” His voice lowered, “I wasn’t done, rolling over in the morning and kissing you, watching homemade movies together, babysitting Kurt, thinking about baby names. I remember. We were gonna name our little boys Erick and Jack. Our little girls were gonna be Essie and Tamara.”

Suddenly a voice joined. “Erick and Jack and Essie and Tamara?”

Logan turned around, facing his sister-in-law. Kaylie walked closer, and kneeled down next to her brother-in-law. “She went too soon, Log.”

Logan nodded and leaned in closer to Kaylie. He wrapped his arms around her small figure. He heard her crying. “She was going to give you nieces and nephews.” He whispered. “She was going to have a bucket list to the moon and back. She was going to skydive and bungee jump one day. She was going to see her kids grow up and then give us grandchildren. Kaylie, she was going to do it all.”

“Then we’ll just have to do it for her, Logan.”

He didn’t respond, holding his sister-in-law tighter. They would’ve stayed like that longer, crying, comforting each other, but Tyson walked in along with a strew of other people. And then her favorite song, began playing. Glad You Came by The Wanted.

Kaylie and Logan stood up and sat down. They watched pictures of her and Logan on the screen and pictures of Kaylie and Logan and her, and a bunch of the loser pictures that they had taken. One of her and Logan kissing, one of Logan as a fifth grader with her hunting worms, one of Logan and Tyson eating her hair, one of Kaylie and Tyson kissing beside Logan and Kyle, All four of them, a picture of Kyle holding Kurt after he was born, Kyle and Logan’s wedding picture, her engagement ring on her finger, Logan proposing to her, Kyle and Kaylie mirror picture, Kaylie and Kyle on Kyle’s bed painting their nails, a picture of Kyle and her parents, Kyle and Kurt and Kaylie sitting on the swing porch. Numerous other pictures slid slowly across the screen. With every one, she looked more beautiful, even if she was wearing just jeans and a t-shirt. Everything about Kyle was beautiful. The last picture was a picture of Kyle and Logan holding hands standing in the middle of the road. You couldn’t see their faces, but it was clear that they were both extremely happy.

All of the pictures made Logan feel like a bigger piece was falling out of his heart. And it was. His entire heart was made of Kyle. She was his everything.

The funeral began, and the priest began speaking about Kyle.

Then it was Logan’s turn to talk. He stood up and began.

“Kyle was my wife. But that’s not all that Kyle was to me. Kyle was my best friend. She was my best friend since fourth grade whenever she and her family moved beside my family. Ever since I laid eyes on Kyle I knew she would be my best friend. And now that she’s gone, I will never forget her. She was the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved her. And I still do, that will never go away.”

After Logan’s short speech, he went back to his seat and the funeral ceremony progressed. People said their final goodbyes and then left Logan and the families there to give them their last gifts and goodbyes. Logan had already given his, and he stepped back, observing them give their precious Kyle the things.

Kaylie placed a photo booth picture of her and Kyle kissing each other’s cheeks.

Tyson put a framed picture of Kyle and him sitting on the porch feeding each other pink ice cream.

Kyle’s mother, Anita placed a purple sweater that she’d knitted Kyle whenever she was about four years old.

Her father, Harold put a small alien that he’d made of quarters and stuff that they’d found in their backyard.

Logan’s mother, Samantha put a picture of her and Kaylie and Kyle and Anita sitting at the salon together getting their hair done.

Gregory, Logan’s dad laid a picture of Kyle, Logan and himself putting dry ice in a bottle and shaking it up.

Everyone looked at Logan. He just walked forward and showed them the engagement ring. They didn’t say anything, simply nodded.

They walked out together, signaling that the people who got the casket could get it now. They all went to their cars, where they were putting the small flags on the antennas.

Kaylie got in the car with them this time, snuggling up next to Tyson, who placed his arms around her, holding her close.

Logan wished that he could cuddle against Kyle.

But Kyle was gone. And she would be forever.

When they arrived at the cemetery, more people, her friends mostly, talked about how wonderful Kyle was. And they weren’t wrong. She was remarkable. Even a little girl with cancer got up and talked about how she’d treated her and been so nice, giving her candy after she was done with her treatments.

Logan listened to all of them, thinking just how amazing his wife was. Logan was an architect. He couldn’t do anything except with wood and nails. Kyle had done things with blood and knew how little kids needed love and candy. She’d been amazing. How had Logan managed to get that girl? The girl who saved lives and made people feel better.

Then they put a bouquet of flowers on top of the closed lid and lowered her into the ground. And then it became real as they put dirt over her casket. She was officially…not walking on Earth. She was in heaven with the angels. And Logan would be too.



He hugged everyone, even his little brother-in-law before he got in his car and drove home. His tears covered his eyes and his sight of vision. He could barely see. He didn’t care. If a drunk guy came and hit him head on, it wouldn’t matter. Logan would die, hopefully, because he was going to kill himself tonight.

As he struggled to walk inside the house he decided not to make it messy. He wanted to have a funeral and he didn’t want to look horrid, If need be, he would have to make it messy and then he would just most likely have a closed casket funeral.

He walked into the bathroom. Everything from her old life was there. Her life in college, her life in high school, her present life. He opened the medicine cabinet and grabbed all of the bottles he could find.

“Make it taste good.” He muttered.

He took the bottles of medication to the kitchen and laid them all on the counter. He opened all of the lids and got in the freezer. He grabbed some of the strawberries that were frozen for smoothie making and a couple of freezed mango bits. He laid them on the counter. Logan got into the fridge and pulled out the tub of vanilla yogurt that him and Kyle had used for smoothie making. He grabbed the milk and poured them into the detachable part of the blender with everything else. The he dumped all of the medication on the counter into the blender.

He hit the blend button, swirls of pink and chips of white and blue and green and purple and orange medicine floated around in the swamp of pink.

Satisfied with the smoothie he took it out and took it to his bedroom. He turned on the TV and then drank the entire smoothie, bits of medicine hitting his tongue occasionally. He threw the glass on the carpet and then closed his eyes. He felt a jitter.



He was floating through pink and white clouds. The sky was purple. The clouds were fluffy like pillows. He wasn’t floating. He was flying. He had white wings. When he reached the golden gates he landed on one of the white pillow clouds. He had no shoes on and his feet felt like heaven.

And there she was. Standing outside the gate. She was an angel and her white wings filtered everywhere. Her brown hair had gone down to her breasts and she wore a purple dress that fell just to her knees. She had a small pink and purple striped nametag with her name written neatly on it. Kyle Pierceton.

“I’ve missed you.” He whispered as he got close to her. He sniffed in her hair. It still smelled like her strawberry shampoo.

She wrapped her arms around her husband, “Welcome to heaven, Logan.”