My Immortal

I grabbed the hand, merely nodded as I helped up.
“Are you sure you are alright?” Tim asked again, his hazel-brown hair swaying lightly from the breeze.

“Yeah, thanks” I said and gave him a soft smile, and then it became an awkward silence.

“Well, I’m not going to pressure ya, so… do you wanna hang out? I’ve got band practice soon but do you wanna do something for a while before?” he asked eagerly.

I thought about it for a second, I really didn’t know the guy but right now I just needed to forget everything if it only was for a little while.

“Sure” I replied with a small nod. Where are we going..? He must have noticed the confused look on my face when he told me that we could go to the beach.

I once again nodded and then we made our way to the beach in an awkward silence. I suddenly found the ground looking very interesting and loved how my hair managed to hide my face a bit. Seriously, this is damn awkward. Why did I agree to this? Urgh.

“Do you play any instruments besides piano?” Tim asked thankfully breaking the silence.

“A bit of guitar, but I am better at piano and sing a bit, well sometimes” I immediately regretted saying I sing because I had a feeling that he would ask me to perform for him but to my surprise he didn’t, he instead started explaining what instruments he could play.

“Well… I play bass, a bit of guitar but I prefer 4 strings over 6” I laughed along with him as I tucked a string of my wavy hair behind my ear.

“Sweet, so you have a band?” Lame question but I really needed the conversation to keep going because I can’t take another awkward silence.

The thing is, I may not know Tim but he seemed alright. I feel weird that I actually am walking with a person I still consider a stranger but I need the break from thinking about Jacob and his idiotic thinking that got me in this mess.
Jacob is after all my only real friend, Matt’s friends I really do not consider my friends just acquaintances but not people I actually feel safe around, after all I still have that voice in the back of my head telling me to stay as far away as possible from Matt.

“Yeah, I’m in a band that’s nameless after 4 years of playing in it but I’m playing with my best friends. We have me on bass; Will on drums, Terry is the lead guitarist that leaves Troy as the rhythm guitarist but no singer yet unfortunately.” He enlightened me as he continued on.

“We hope that we can find a singer because we really want to make it big, I mean the guys and I love doing what we do in the band, hopefully we can pursue it as a career, ya know?” I nodded with a slight smile tugging on my lips.

Deep down inside, I think I always wanted to be able to perform in front of a huge audience, to share my emotions through raw lyrics and a beat. Just to be able to face my fears, to share my voice and I want to believe that people might actually like it a bit. To summarize it, everyone wants to do something they love because that brings them joy; well singing and music brings me joy but I know that it will never happen. As for now, I’m standing in the way of my own dreams and happiness by suppressing them and getting afraid of being judged, though I have been judged my entire life so it really shouldn’t matter.

Then why do I feel as if it matters?