My Love, My Heart, Is Breathing For This Moment

"And all that counts is here and now."

I checked my cell and the clock read back to me as 10:30PM. We had been at the bowling alley a total of twenty minutes and Hannah had already met guys and started chatting them up. She was on the other side of the alley and I just awkwardly sat there on my own, picking at my nails, not knowing what to do. There wasn’t anyone even in the bowling alley besides me, Hannah, the boys she was talking to, people in the lane next to me, and a quiet couple on the other side.

It was Hannah’s turn to bowl and I honestly wouldn’t have minded to throw a ball down the lane and make it count as her turn, but I would look like the biggest loser, if I did that. It would appear as if I were bowling with myself; yeah, no thanks.

I kept my phone out and pretended I was texting someone, when in reality, I was just keeping up with my “Draw Something” games. The loud rumble of laughter from the lane beside me, broke me out of my trance from my game and I turned my head.

Four boys stood there, laughing their asses off, as the fifth boy, who had been wearing suspenders, started throwing two balls down the lane. The one with the blond hair had tears pouring out of his eyes because he was laughing too hard. The one who had tanner skin than the rest was clutching onto his stomach, knees bent because he was laughing just as hard as well. Then, I saw the next boy, who had really caught my eyes. His beautifully tousled curly hair slightly bounced up and down as his body shook with laughter. He made a funny sound when he laughed and immediately covered his mouth, but then he proceeded to encourage Suspenders Boy to throw more. “Shall we make it three, Lou?” He asked, unable to control his laughter. The boy next to Curly Q chuckled a bit, but looked quite nervous. He turned his head slightly and saw that I had been staring and he immediately stopped laughing.

He started walking over to me, and my eyes immediately dropped. I kept drawing in my game, hoping he wasn’t walking towards me.

“Hello,” the boy breathed, as he stood before me. Shit.

“Uh, hi,” I stuttered, not knowing what to say.

“I would like to apologize, on behalf of myself and my mates over there. We’re rather loud and they’re quite hard to calm down once they’ve been started up,” he announced, smiling down at me.

His smile was absolutely radiant.

“It-it’s fine. You’re- you guys aren’t disturbing me,” I continued to stutter, wishing I didn’t sound like a total idiot right about now.

“Liam, what are you doing? Who’s this?” The curly head asked, as he jogged over to us.
“I was apologizing to this girl because we’re making tons of noise, and I felt bad, Harry. This is- uh…” Liam said, waiting for me to insert my name.

“Jessica, my name is Jessica,” I answered. Jesus, I sounded like a complete asshole right now. I was completely lost for words.

“Might I ask why you’re alone, Jessica?” Liam questioned, his eyes boring into mine.
“Oh, well, I’m new here and my cousin is talking to people over there,” I pointed towards Hannah’s direction.

“Oh god, you’re related to her?” Harry asked, his brows furrowing, an annoyed look appearing on his face.

“Harry, don’t be so rude,” Liam tittered, not really knowing what to do.

“It’s fine, I don’t mind, really. He’s entitled to his own opinion and I barely know her, so I could care less,” I truthfully answered.

“Someone’s a bit blunt, now aren’t we?” Harry asked, eyeing me, smirking.

He looked at me as if he was trying to figure me out, like he was trying to get into my head. Too bad for him that he didn’t know that would never happen. I would never let anyone close enough to see through me, not even Carter. As much as I loved that boy like my brother, I would never weaken myself by letting someone get inside my head. Never.

“Better to be blunt than try to be cheeky and fail at it, yeah?” I retorted, winning a laugh from Liam. Harry instantly pouted for a second, but then relaxed features and muttered, “Clever, isn’t she?”

All I did was raise my brow and eye him a bit more, not knowing where all of this confidence boosted from. Whenever I felt someone was challenging me, something else inside of me took over. I never liked backing down from a challenge, because to me, the feeling of having the upper hand felt absolutely glorious. I yearned for it, so I just kept battling until I got it.

All of a sudden, I heard yelling from the next lane, and my head snapped to that direction.

“No, no, no! What do you boys think you’re doing? Do you know how much this is going to cost us to repair?!” A woman in uniform, obviously a worker, shrieked. The three remaining boys, couldn’t keep from laughing, the blond one now on the floor laughing so hard.

Liam rushed over, speaking softly towards the employee and said, “I’m so terribly sorry for the mess we’ve made upon your bowling alley. We didn’t mean to cause any harm, we’ll pay for any damages.”

“Damn straight you will be paying for the damages! Stop laughing, this isn’t a joke!” She shrilled.

Harry stood above me, chortling a bit, not being able to contain himself. I had even cracked a smile, these boys were nuts.

The woman continued to bellow, “Get out, and just leave right now!”

All of a sudden I heard Hannah from the back, “What’s going on here?”

I turned and she held one of the guys by the arm, as if she were scared to approach the scenario on her own. Her eyes looking a bit angered.

“Why don’t you take a listen and find out?” Harry suggested, thinking he was sly.

“Shove it, Styles. You’re not as coy as you play out to be,” Hannah fired.

Liam was trying to round the other three boys together so that they could leave as he spoke in a serious tone, “We’ve gotten ourselves into trouble. Let’s go, we need to leave.”

Harry turned to me and said, “Massive props to you for putting up with her, Jess.” Then he winked and also added, “Which school will you be attending?”

“Come on Harry, we’ve got to go! It was nice meeting you, Jessica!” Liam shouted, holding the blond and tan one upright, because they were still laughing. “Niall, Zayn, stop squirming!”

“Centerscore High,” I answered. It was this private school with not many kids, Hannah had been telling me about it earlier.

“Well then, you’ll be having the pleasure of seeing me more often, see you Monday,” he smiled as his green eyes sunk into my light brown ones. Then, he ran off.

“Why were you even talking to them?” Hannah screeched at me, displaying her apparent dislike towards them.

“In my defense, I don’t even know who they are and you just left me to go talk to the “cute guys” you wanted to find, so what was I supposed to do?” I shot back, not in the mood to deal with anyone’s shit.

I was so exhausted and I felt so home sick. I just wanted to be back home, in my bed, under my covers, and continue hiding from the world. It was so much easier to do than actually put effort and go out into the world.

“Those are the One Direction boys. They’re in their stupid band and they play their stupid music. You were talking to Liam and Harry. The other three idiots were Niall, Zayn, and Louis. They’re all no good, especially fucking Harry. Stay away from them, they’re all just stupid wankers, anyways,” Hannah answered, snarling out of her teeth.

Hm, wonder which one of them had turned down her offer of hooking up?

Wow, thinking that makes me sound like a complete bitch. I didn’t really care though, it was the truth, and apparently I was “blunt.”

“Come on, this night was just ruined thanks to those assholes, we’re leaving,” she said, grabbing my hand. She turned back to the boy, giving him a very awkward flirtatious smile and mouthing, “I’ll call you later.”

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When we got back to the house, I went straight to my room, not really wanting to talk to anyone or do anything. I started hysterically crying on two accounts.

One, I wanted to be home. I didn’t want to be here in stupid New York. I missed my familiar surroundings, the comfort of knowing where I was, being able to feel independent and somewhat stable.

Two, I felt so gross and horrific. I haven’t weighed myself since I left and I would make it a point to keep track of how much I weighed. The doctor had spoken to my Aunt Nora before I even got here and let her know of my conditions, advising her to make sure I ate and that she hid the scale.

I felt so hideous and homesick and it was all building it. I just wanted to scream and not be here. My eyes were glued shut, my breathing became much heavier, and my heart was racing. I felt as if the room was sweltering and I couldn’t grasp any air, so I just flipped to the cool side of my pillow and opened my window a bit, longing for the cool breeze.
It was raining.

I sat there, listening to the rain, as I continued to cry. It wasn’t only raining outside, but it was raining inside my head as well. Now I was just waiting for everything to wash away and for the drops to evaporate.

But they didn’t.

It just wouldn’t go away, but I was pleading for it to.

I stabilized my breathing as best as I could and tried calming myself down. I listened to the rain and went to lie in my bed. I got as comfortable as I could, in the room that was not truthfully my own. Although, now I guess it was, since I didn’t even know how long I was staying here for. The flow of tears had reduced and I became overwhelmed with drowsiness, and I just dozed off into the place where nothing could ever actually hurt me.

Sleep.