Smile Like Ritalin

I collapse onto the front steps. I had to escape my house, but couldn’t make it farther than three steps from the door.
My parents are fighting again. Through the front door I can still hear it. I could hear my mom yelling that I needed help. That I needed to be sent off to rehab or somewhere. My dad fights back, saying I wasn’t going anywhere.
My little baby brother is screeching over it all. His cries pierced the cold night air above everything else. An innocent child trapped in a house filled with drugs, booze, and rock and roll. I want to run inside and hold him in my arms. Tell him it is all okay. But it isn’t.
Every light is on down the entire street. Everyone can hear my parents scream about my drug addiction.
It’s not my fault! I want to scream at them. But they won’t believe me. It was the boy! He told me it felt good…The boy. That damn boy.
It was over a year ago now, at a party. I was never really into that scene, but my friend forced me to come.
I was sticking to the walls, pushing away anyone who came near. Until the most beautiful creature sauntered over to me. I should have known he was trouble by the look in his crystal blue eyes and the beer in his musician’s hands. I didn’t care. His black hair was shaggy, falling nearly to his shoulders, and he smiled in a way that could make good girls squeal.
“Sup?” When he spoke I saw the glint of a silver ball balanced on his tongue. He tipped his beer to me and I saw his nails were painted black. He wore a plain black shirt layered over a white button up long sleeve. Around his neck hung a badly tied red and black striped tie.
His pants hung loose around his skinny waist. He wore beat up red converse. The guy was what every Daddy’s girl looked for. The punk that would steal her heart and her innocence.
Hey, everyone likes a bad boy.
I decided to play it cool. Pretend I wasn’t melting inside just by the way he looked at me. “The roof.” I pulled up one corner of my mouth.
The boy snickered. “Like I haven’t heard that one before, cutie.” He winked at me. The other side of my mouth pulled up without my permission. “So does this pretty girl have a name?” He took a step closer to me and pushed my blonde hair behind my ear.
“Mary Jane.” I couldn’t help the blush that responded to the boys’ hand brushing across my cheek. “Call me MJ.”
“MJ…Pretty.” He smiled. “I’m Josh.”
“Hey, Josh.” My voice cracked embarrassingly.
“You nervous, MJ?” With every word, Josh took a step closer to me. His body now pressing mine to the wall.
Truth, fuck yes. I had actually literally, never, in all 16 and a half years of my life never been this close to a boy that wasn’t my dad or my brother. Now, there was this extremely sexy guy coming on to me and I had no idea what to do.
But I wasn’t going to tell Josh that. “Hell no.” I snaked my arms up around his neck.
“Well then why don’t you let me get you a beer, MJ? Or do you not drink?” There was a test in Josh’s voice.
“Sure.” I wasn’t going to let him know I had never drunk before in my life.
“Well then come on.” Josh backed up a bit, taking both my hands in his and walking backwards towards the kitchen. As he led me he never took his eyes off mine.
“Here you go, sexy.” Josh handed me a beer and wrapped one arm around my waist.
I took a chance, and tipped the bottle up in my mouth. It didn’t taste good. Not at all. Why did people drink this shit?
I hid my disgust, taking another swig.
*
It was 4AM. Everyone had left the party long ago, including my friend. I lay under a jungle gym, Josh on top of my and his tongue down my throat.
My first kiss…and I was too drunk to even remember it correctly. I remember Josh tasted like smoke, beer, and something else. Something else that at that time I knew nothing about.
I don’t even remember what happened next, really. I just remember clothes started coming off. It was cold outside, an October night in Vancouver.
Our bodies moved as one, we fit together like a puzzle. It was magical, even if my first time was with a boy I had met a few hours ago. I didn’t even know his last name.
When he was finished, he stood up and pulled his pants back on. I followed his lead, doing the same.
Josh sat back down on the ground and pulled a smoke from his pocket, lighting it with the lighter he pulled from the other. He offered me a smoke, I took it without thinking.
It took so much will power not to cough at the first breath of smoke. “You’ve never smoked before, have you?” Josh asked.
I decided on truth, and shook my head. “Or drank.” I confessed. “Or had sex, it that wasn’t fucking obvious.” Fucking that word felt good rolling off my tongue. I was rebelling I guess. I had been daddy’s little girl for so long, and I was sick of it.
“Tell you the truth I was a virgin up to fifteen minutes ago as well.” Josh laughed at himself. I think we were both sobering up by this point. It was nearly 4:30AM. “I am so un-cool.”
I laughed. “Hey, but you had drank before. And smoked. And probably at least kissed a girl.” I took another drag of the smoke, it was easier now. “Not as un-cool as daddy’s little girl over here.”
Josh laughed to. “Okay maybe. But I have never been that drunk before in my life. Or that high.”
“Oh you were drunk and high, that’s the only reason you hit on me?” I acted hurt.
“Oh shut up.” Josh laughed and kissed me. “The alcohol just gave me confidence, the heroin gave me the illusion I’m not a dork.” Heroin. Damn…when he said he was high I expected weed. Maybe ecstasy. Not heroin. That was a whole different level.
“I do think you’re pretty. And sexy and cute and whatever else I might have said.” Josh smiled. “All I know right now, is there is a beautiful girl in front of me, and my head hurts.”
“You do heroin?” I asked.
“Um…” Josh scratched the back of his head. “Yeah…”
“Out of every drug in the world, why heroin?” I asked.
Josh shrugged. “I like the high. I’ve tried a lot, heroin is just my choice.” Josh’s face light up with an idea. “You wanna try? It feels good.” He pulled a glass pipe and a bag filled of what I guessed was heroin from his pocket.
And stupid me. Stupid, ignorant me. I said yes. I said yes because I thought Josh would be my first boyfriend. I thought this wasn’t a one night thing. But oh, it was.
Josh gave me one night filled with firsts, and laid a trail for addiction.
So now I found myself on my porch in the dead of night, listening to my parents scream. I hadn’t seen him in over a year. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again either.