The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

You proceeded to let out an anxious sigh and a few tears ran down my face as my hand gripped my mouth for a few more seconds. I didn't know what to say, I half expected you to hang up but I already made you aware of my presence so we were stuck. I waited for you to say something, so when you didn't I exhaled and wiped my eyes, my hand holding the phone still gripping the device tightly.

"Joey?" I asked into the receiver, but I knew you were there.

"El," was your response. I sat down on my bed and pulled my knees up to my chest. "El, we need to talk..." You murmured. You weren't mad, but you did have a somber tone in your voice.

"Yes, we do," I replied. I looked forward at my wall with pictures all over it, and listened to the other end.

"Can I come over?" You asked. My body tensed up and I nodded. After realizing you couldn't see me I cleared my throat.

"Ye-yeah, you can come over..." I whispered, my breath shaky.

"I'll be over in ten." And you hung up. I looked at my room and tossed my phone to the foot of my bed, pulling one of my pillows close to me as I waited nervously. I didn't want to move, for fear of waking up from this nightmarish feeling.

----

When I heard the knock at my window, I looked over and saw your face. I could tell I had a pained expression on my face because the look on your own seemed worried. I got up and walked over to the window, opening it up. I stepped back to let you in and kept my hands at my sides.

"I uh, I haven't climbed that tree in a long time it seems, because I nearly fell like five times," you murmured. I smiled slightly, shrugging as I looked at your blue eyes. They were just as I remembered them.

"Yeah, uh, have a seat I guess?" I didn't know what else to say or do, so I just sat back down on my bed and you sat on the foot of it, legs hanging off of the side. I pulled my knees up to my chest once more and stared down at my bare feet.

"These past few days have been honestly awful for me, because I'm really conflicted. And I just want to get this out of the way first things first. I know you're hurting, El, and I know you and Evan are together because he told me about it. I just wanted to make sure you knew this, though. I love you, and I have for a long time," you said, maintaining eye contact with me the entire time. I felt the wind get knocked out of me as I blinked slowly.

"W-what?" I asked, rubbing my face with my shaking hands. I shook my head, clearing my throat.

"What do you mean what?" You retorted, looking down at your hands. I positioned myself differently, sitting criss-cross as I shook my head again.

"You love me? Joey you can't do this, not right now of all times. I mean it's obvious I love you too, and I always have, but I'm with Evan and we're happy and fine and I find it funny that you just decide to say this now of all times. You have no idea how long I've waited for you to say that," I replied. I started to shake, nausea working itself into me.

"You waited for me to say that? You could have said it, El. You could have done something about it," you replied, annoyance in your tone.

"I tried Joey I-"

"Obviously you didn't try hard enough." You cut me off.

"I did try, I tried so hard-"

"It wasn't hard enough because you never said it to me, did you?" You said as you cut me off again, your voice raising slightly.

"I wanted to but-"

"But what?" A third interruption.

"But I was fucking scared, alright? I was terrified. Even after all these years I've never had enough gall to tell you that I loved you and that I felt like I was in love with you. And every time I did try to tell you, you were always screwing around with Miranda," I finally spat out, running my fingers through my hair.

"Yeah well..." You trailed off, exhaling as you shook your head. You laughed slightly, looking over at me. It was a sarcastic laugh, because what you added sure wasn't funny. "I didn't want to tell you because I was screwing around with Miranda..." You rubbed your face.

"She's a fucking heathen, Joey. You know she is and what you did at that party after you told me you wouldn't really hurt me. So I got fucked up and hooked up with Evan. You know, I was saving my virginity for God knows how long? But I fucked Evan. That's right, I fucked the shit out of Evan and there isn't anything I regret about it..." I retaliated, but then I cupped my mouth with my hands because I instantly knew I would regret ever saying those words to you. "Fuck, I'm sorry. I didn't-- I mean I didn't regret it and I don't regret it but I regret it happening the way it did," I added.

"I know," was all you replied. I sighed and grabbed my pillow, shoving it into my face before I decided to speak again.

"That's it? You were mad at me for it, and all you have to say is what we just talked about?" I questioned, moving the pillow down slightly so I could speak.

"I guess... I was mad because I caught you making out with my best friend, when we were making out before. It hurt me, El..." That stung me.

"I know I hurt you, Joey. But you hurt me, too. I know it's not right to fight fire with fire, but you gotta understand where I'm coming from. Not only that but Miranda came at me and bitched me out. I literally punched her in her cunt throat," I stated. I smirked at that, one of the only good parts about that night.

"I know, which she complained about for a day. She was ashamed she got beat up by you," you replied.

"So are you guys back together?" I asked. You shook your head. "Then what?"

"I was going to hook up with her but I forced myself not to. She's a bitch, and was using me to get her other ex boyfriend jealous. I caught on right quick and dropped her like a sack of potatoes," you explained.

"I'm sorry... I love you, Joey. I wanted us to be together, but I guess I fucked up, huh?" I sighed.

"You didn't fuck up, I deserved it. It was a wake up call to show me what was right in front of me this whole God damned time," you looked at me directly then. I bit my bottom lip and felt my cheeks turn hot, and realized I was blushing.

"Fuck..." I muttered.

"What?"

"Fuck," I said louder. "Fuck this situation right now because I'm conflicted," I furthered.

"With what?"

"With how I feel. My heart is racing really face and I really want to kiss you but that's fucked up and I have Evan," I explained.

"Evan doesn't have to know," you reached out to touch my warm and flushed cheek, rubbing your thumb against my soft skin.

"That's not even funny," I returned.

"No, you're right, it's not," you said. I couldn't help but think, what if? And then I decided to say 'fuck it, you're already so far in El why not just dive in deeper?' and I did. I dove straight to the bottom of that darkened pit. With one swift motion, I moved forward and pressed my lips hard against your own, my hands gripping either side of your face with such eagerness I could almost feel my inner being lunging out of its shell.

I was now a scuba-diver in an ocean of confusion and want, swimming in guilt and heartbreaking tendencies.